


Something In Common

by TheFamousFireLadyM



Series: Something In Common [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: "painfully intimate", #institute shenanigans, #unsafe bdsm practices, Angst and Porn, Asphyxiation, Biting, Bodily Fluids, Body Horror, Complete, Dubious Consent, Dysfunctional Relationships, Frottage, Gunplay, Hand Jobs, Hate Sex, Headcanon Nick Backstory, Implied Femslash, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Non-Hate Non-Reverse Blowjob™ Time, Robot Sex, Robot/Human Relationships, Sappy Ending, Sharing a Body, Spoilers for Nick's personal quest, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wire Play, armchair fucking, gen III Nick, hate smooches, major game plot spoilers, now with illustrations, reverse blowjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-05-15 16:00:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 58,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5791759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFamousFireLadyM/pseuds/TheFamousFireLadyM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick's memories are no longer his own. He's sure old Nick never lived in California, never found his wife and daughter murdered, never joined a gang. He's just as sure that there's someone in his head with him. Even after the effects dissipated, he knew, something lingered.  (Now with illustrations by Synthsinner!)<br/>Originally a PWP but now it's turned into a longfic. This is honestly just an excuse for porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WattStalf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/gifts), [distantsun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/distantsun/gifts).



  
“Nick?” 

“Huh?”

“You kinda drifted off there. You sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah, you don’t have to worry about me.” 

Nora huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Last time you said that, I was afraid we’d have a resurrected baby-snatching monster on our hands.” 

“Mm,” Nick barely responded, gold eyes flicking back and forth. If she didn’t know better, she would say the old clockwork dick was worried. 

“We  _ don’t _ have Kellogg to worry about, right?” She cast a glance toward where his back was turned. She could see the glow of a cigarette being lit, outlining his jaw. 

“You’re not answering. Is it that bad?” 

Nick inhaled, taking his time, letting the smell of smoke wash over him. A memory that wasn’t one he recognized trickled into his thoughts.  _ Sunset over one shoulder, the remnants of the old pre-war Hollywood sign in front of him. A woman he didn’t know stood beside him, holding a hand that he didn’t recognize as his own. Her mouth opened to speak _ and in an instant he was back in Boston, and Nora was staring again.

"Dr. Amari said not to worry, remember?" 

* * *

  
  


“ _ Sarah _ ?” That wasn’t his voice, cracking painfully. “ _ Sarah, baby, come on, answer me.” There was splashes of blood all over everything, he could taste the cold tang of metal in the air.  _ This all felt too familiar. A familiar ache rose in his chest; one he hadn’t felt fully, just hollow echoes, since before the war.  _ A body lay curled in a corner of the shack, half hidden behind a mattress tossed to the ground. as if someone had thrown it there in search of something. It was with shaking hands he reached for the edge of it, peeling it back. He released an unnecessary breath, one he didn’t realize he took, and wrapped in her arms - of course it was her, it was the Sarah he’d been looking for, why wouldn’t it be his wife - he could see Mary, pressed against her, enfolded in Sarah’s arms. He wheeled backwards, stumbling over the torn remnants of their bed. Agonizing pain burned through him, and he found himself reaching blindly for his gun. The bastards who killed them would pay, dearly.  _

Nick’s eyes snapped open, and he sat up with a gasp before settling back down in his uncomfortable seat. This time he was really seeing, still seated, perched, really, on a folding chair beside Nora’s bed. This was her house, Home Plate. They were still in Diamond City. The woman lay beside him, yawning as she heard him stir. 

“Were you sleeping?” She asked. 

“Synths don’t sleep, remember?” 

“Your eyes were closed.” She pointed out, sitting up fully. 

He didn’t respond for a second, calling up recent memories - if he could truly call them that - of being able to feel with both hands. Some subconscious he had. “Would you believe me if I told you I’m remembering some things now about the old Nick I hadn’t before? Guess Dr. Amari knocked something loose back at the Memory Den.” 

A flash of worry bloomed across Nora’s face but was gone in a second. “What kind of memories?” 

“Old cases, you know? Nothing particularly interesting, unless you like cold cases solved a hundred years ago.” He shrugged an arm, shifting as he shrugged out of his coat. 

* * *

  
  


“That’s how the deal is going down, is it? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” Nick knew that voice; hot tar on ground glass. If he could shiver, he would have. 

“Did you say something?” The dark haired woman glanced his way, one of Nick’s case files in her hands. 

“No.” He ground out through his teeth, fingers itching to put a cigarette to his mouth. He couldn’t bring himself to lift them.

“Oh, is  _ that _ how we’re doing this? Gotta keep the fact that I’m in here with you on the down-low.” Kellogg’s voice dropped to a rumble. 

“Look, if you’re talking to me, say it out loud, Nick.” Nora slapped the file down against the desk. The sound it made was pathetic. “Stop muttering under your breath.” 

“I’m not.” Then as an aside to himself, “Stay out of my memories.”

She frowned, before going to the door. "I'm going to Goodneighbor. Try not to go crazy while I'm gone."

Kellogg spoke again, bringing him back; “I was getting bored of ‘em anyway, what with your dead girlfriend and all. Guess we have something in common.”

A cold feeling settled in the nape of his neck, as if ice was building just below the surface. Nick leaned his head back, teeth gritted. 

“Let’s see what kind of software the Institute bothered to equip you with.” If he closed his eyes, he could almost believe the voice in his head was whispering in his ear, low and husky. Nick tried to lift his hand, but the machinery refused to respond. Instead, the gentle  _ tac  _ of metal against the exposed edge of his throat caught his attention. It scratched, the sharp tips trailing down beneath the edge of his collar. 

“Bullet magnet, huh?” His fingers traced a jagged fist sized hole punched straight to the wiring beneath. Nick worked his mouth, tongue pressing hard against the backs of his teeth. A shock went through him, sending him going rigid as his finger eased into the hole. It curled, hooking into some of the wires as Nick’s hand tugged,  _ hard.  _ “Do you think Nora will want you like this? I can see the way you look at her, I’m in here too.” Then as he pulled Kellogg murmured, “She’s no Jenny, but she’s no  _ Sarah _ either.” 

In response, his mouth opened, and the sound that escaped was an undignified groan.

“Well, would you look at that.” He sounded proud of himself, breath coming fast from the pleasure still racing through him. “Guess the guys bothered to string you up with sensors after all.” 

It took a second for Nick to fumble for words but as soon as he did, the first word out of his mouth was: “ _ Stop _ .” 

It took him a moment, but he recognized the sound that issued forth as laughter; “I’d tell you to make me, but you seem to be indisposed at the moment.” The sharp tips of his fingers scraped against the blasted rough edge of the hole, and literal sparks burst forth. It gave Nick a start, and he wished he could turn his head, but he couldn’t. 

The fingers drew lower, tracing the edge of one of his chest plates. The fraction of an inch space between the plates drew his fingers in, working in between the small space given. He shouldn’t have been able to feel it; fingers plunging into the space between where his ribs should have been, but it was cold, a tingling cold that lingered, lasting longer than the touch itself. His metal fingertips reached the frame beneath the plates, and scraped down them roughly. 

Nick caught himself before a scream found its way up from his voicebox. Something must have clicked to Kellogg, because his fingers pinched two wires together, rolling them between thumb and forefinger. He was teasing Nick, and the old detective wasn’t sure if he could keep up pretending he wasn’t about to overheat from the pleasure, machinery whirring up a storm deep in his chest.

“Stop,  _ please _ ..” Nick wasn’t proud of the weakness in his voice, or the way his knees felt as if they were going to give way. His mouth had grown slack, head tilting back. 

“Did they give you anything else?” Kellogg mused to himself, as Nick’s fingers tugged hard on the wires. His hips jerked forward hard, as he couldn’t help but whine. 

The low rumble of Kellogg’s voice as he chuckled vibrated through him. “Can’t even come, ain’t that a waste. How far can I push this, do you think?” 

His fingertips brushed the frame of his shoulder again, and Nick stiffened, breath coming fast. The cold metal pressed hard, and dots of light filled his vision, leaving him panting. The sound of his own voice was shocking to Nick, when he called out, “ _ Please..”  _

“Since you’re begging so nice, maybe I’ll just..” Kellogg ran his -- Nick’s -- fingers along the closest line of his frame, taking his time as he smoothed his thumb and forefinger along the lightweight metal. Nick’s mouth opened in a silent cry, and he found himself biting down on the synthetic flesh of his fingers, sucking on the leathery skin, his tongue pressed hard against the front of his knuckles. He couldn’t feel it. 

“Oh fuck,” Kellogg’s voice caught, sounding as if he was right on the edge, and Nick bit down harder, feeling the knuckles of his first two fingers creaking under the pressure. For one brief second, everything went white, his whole body tensing, before releasing all at once as Nick found himself able to move again.   
  


Since Nora finally left him be, he got to work. Everything was on edge, his entire body still antsy, still wound up and aching for  _ something, _ as he put an experimental finger to the edge of his face plate, stroking the wires that ran along his throat. A shock traveled through him and he dug his teeth into the unpliant synthetic flesh of his bottom lip. 

Nick’s fingers were quick, loosening his tie, popping the buttons of his shirt open. His hand found the edge of the gaping hole in his chest, and he plunged his fingers in without a second thought. Images of Nora came unbidden, and he coiled his fist around a bunch of wires, squeezing them together in his fist, pulling at them just enough for the familiar whirring to start up. Nick fell into a rhythmic balance, pull, squeeze, pull, squeeze. His breath came hard and fast, body overheating quickly. Memories were mixing, old Nick’s thoughts of Jenny, images of  _ Sarah _ \-- 

_ “Oh.”  _ That second voice was like a breath in his ear, a low groan that seemed to vibrate through him at a lower frequency than his own voice. Nick’s hand slowed, running his fingers along the length of the wires. 

“Do you know what you’re doing here?” Kellogg called quietly, speaking with some difficulty. Nick licked his lips, not even getting them wet, not even thinking about it, just a habitual little action left over from another time. “How can you even stand it?” 

He took a second to answer, breath coming in harsh gasps. “I didn’t even think about it until you came along.” 

“Well, shit. Should I be honored then?” The arousal in the guttural voice was obvious. He was getting off on this. Whether it was seeing Nick writhing helpless or the fact that he had to have been able to feel it too, Nick wasn’t sure. 

“No.” Nick grit out through clenched teeth, a numbness building in his other hand. He knew the feeling. Shifting his hips, Nick let out a sigh as his legs spread. He watched as his hand crept down past the bottom of his shirt, tucked fast into his belt. 

“Still a shame you got nothing down here.” He bit back a groan, every inch of him felt on fire. Nick’s thighs squeezed shut around the hand pressing its way between his legs. Even if there was just empty space there. 

“ _ Fuck _ ..” Kellogg breathed, fingers catching on the inner edge of the panels making up Nick’s thighs. 

His breathing was coming faster, shaky in its delivery. His hand released the wires, and fell to the desk in front of him to keep him upright. Nick bent over the desk, hips rocking slow as his numb fingers forced their way between the few inches of space between his legs. A jolt of pleasure rippled through him like nothing else he’d ever felt. The intensity forced his head bowed and he whined, trying to fight the feeling. He stilled his hips, all the air in him escaping in a hiss as two fingers shoved into him hard, curling against something he assumed was a sensor from the  _ ache _ it was filling him with. The fingers twisted, sending a rocket of pleasure through every inch of him. Nick’s mouth opened in a startled cry, forcing his hips against the edge of his desk. 

Kellogg worked a third finger in the space, and Nick couldn’t see for a second, sparks dancing on the edge of his vision. 

“Stop..” His fingers dragged down the edge of his desk, metal gouging four paths down the surface. “I can’t-- I need to--” 

“That makes two of us.” The fingers plunged hard, hitting the frame of his core and a ragged moan tore its way out of his mouth, voice giving way to the inhuman sound of his inner machinery whirring discordantly. Kellogg’s voice fell silent for a blessed few moments. 

Nick hoped this silence would remain for longer, but if it didn’t he would have to tell the Sole Survivor, who had just walked into his office, looking windblown. 

“What did I miss, Nick?” Nora had a blush on her cheeks, as she looked him up and down, noting the disarray. 

“I’ll tell you later.” He pulled his fingers free from his pants, still shaky as he found his footing. A tug later and his other hand was dislodged from the desk. “Let me just catch my breath first.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by Synthsinner!!

They’d destroyed the last remaining piece of Kellogg, and the voice had no longer been bothering Nick. It hadn’t for a long time. A part of him felt _emptier_ without it. Nora had sent him home, had left him behind after he told her. He was dangerous, she couldn’t trust him anymore. In a way, he understood. She was happier with Preston. Preston who could give her everything she wanted and more. In a way, he was happy for her. The hunk of scrap metal he was just dragged her down. It was better this way.

Ellie had gone out for the night; off to visit an old client of his she really hit it off with. Nick was alone with his thoughts. A cigarette smoldered in an ashtray at his elbow. Nick found himself reading the same line over and over again and not at all taking it in. He needed some air. A walk around the city would do him nicely. Nick shuffled out of his chair, the metal legs tracking a well worn pair of lines on the old linoleum. He reached for the doorknob, twisting it in his metal fist.

It opened and--

“ _You.”_

Kellogg was dead. He watched him die, watched Nora pick him off without a hesitation. And yet. And yet Kellogg was standing before him, looking none the worse for wear.

“It would be nice if you didn’t shoot me right on your doorstep.”

“I should, after everything you did to Nora.” Nick’s eyes narrowed and he reached for his gun. It was on the desk next to the ashtray. If he let him in, he could grab it quickly and--

“She’s not here. You don’t have to pretend to hate me.”

“It’s more than hate.”

Kellogg laughed, and cocked his head to the side. “I was in your head with you. You can’t lie to me.”

Nick took a step back, and then another. Kellogg copied, stepping inside.

“Why here, when you know Nora’s not here? Why now?”

“You’re alone, aren’t you?”

Nick inhaled sharply, backing up against the desk. He fumbled for the gun behind him, lifting it.

“So what, you’re here to pick me off?”

“Don’t be stupid.” Kellogg stepped to the side, watching him. Nick followed him with his eyes, warily. “A little bit of _you_ got mixed in with me, up here.” He tapped his temple. “I’m sure you have something similar going on.”

“Something like a pulled tooth.” Nick muttered, lowering his gun only a little.

“You miss it all the same. Like there’s a part of you that’s gone.”

Nick stared, all but forgetting about the gun in his hands. “How do you--”

“Because I feel it too.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Nick considered it for a second, eyes going back and forth, before he glanced up at Kellogg. “And this is why you’re here? To tell me this?”

There was hesitation in his step, Nick could tell. “You know why I’m here.”

A look of realization flashed across his face, mouth open in shock.

Kellogg rounded closer, cornering him against the wall. Nick dropped the gun when Kellogg took his wrist. His other hand flew to Kellogg’s chest, not quite stopping him yet. Nick knew he shouldn’t have let him in, shouldn’t have even given him a second to speak. Kellogg lifted his chin, and _oh_ , his mouth was hot, burning him from the inside out.

A ragged gasp choked its way out of his mouth, and he pulled Kellogg closer. "You shouldn't be here."

"For the first time in a long time, you're right."

Nick caught his gaze and held it like a deer in headlights.

Kellogg worked a knee between his thighs; Nick clenched his legs around the intrusion. It didn't do much to stop him. His knee drew along the center seam of his trousers, before grinding upwards. Nick's whole body spasmed, and he couldn't fight it.

In the moment between Nick's boundaries lowering and his loss of control, Kellogg worked the fly of Nick's pants open. His hand skimmed down to the space between his legs. Teasing him with a feather light touch, Kellogg pulled back, only to shove Nick's trousers down past his knees, where they pooled at his feet. He regarded them for a moment, wondering what that meant Kellogg had in store, before he slammed his fingers into him and Nick could no longer focus on anything.

It was different with someone else. The angle sent shockwaves through his body every time Kellogg's hot fingers moved through the wires inside. His palm was flat against Nick's shoulder, holding him fast against the wall. The strength didn't surprise him. Nick could easily have pushed back - he was surprised by the fact that he didn't want to. Just the same as the reason he told himself he was doing this.

"You're scum." He ground out, casting a dirty look at him, chin pressed down against his chest. "Lowest of the low."

"Takes one to know one, baby." Kellogg's fingers tightened at his collar, his thumb dancing at the edge of Nick's lips with each movement. He caught his thumb in his teeth, holding his gaze as he bit down hard.

Kellogg inhaled at once, a sharp intake of breath and then they were belly to belly. Nick’s legs spread wider, allowing him purchase.

Something akin to panic passed across his features as Kellogg pressed closer, a thicker heat pushing insistently between his legs. "This too much for you?" His breath was hot too, dual points of heat the only thing he could focus on at that point. Nick couldn't respond; everything was all at once, overwhelming him. The sensation of his hot thumb, too hot still, on Nick's tongue and the pop of the knuckle under the pressure was something he could put his attention to, lavishing attention on this single short digit. His eyes, heavy lidded, met Kellogg's and a foreign sense of pleasure welled up in him. Something he must have left behind when they pulled the plug.

Kellogg thrust all at once, putting his weight on Nick. It was bigger than his fingers, for sure, and a short wail burst from his lips from around Kellogg's thumb. He wasn't sure the gap between his thighs would accommodate; the old flesh plates creaked from the strain and he absently noted that was something he'd need to look into before his entire world was blasted away in a ream of total pleasure. That sensor again. He must have been messing with it head-on, the way his hips were trembling. Nick grasped at his shoulder and gasped aloud, feeling something give inside and then Kellogg had hit the lower end of the pelvic shelf of his endoskeleton, wiring shoved to the sides of the space. His knees buckled from the intensity of his pleasure, giving way and allowing Kellogg to take hold of him by the legs, fingers clutching his thighs, forcing them further apart. He was sure the armor Kellogg was wearing tore under his sharp metal hand, the way he dug in. Coolant dripped between Nick’s legs, leaving him slick and needing it.

"Why aren't you stopping me?" Kellogg's voice was husky with want, as he shoved against his sensitive core, the rough rhythm they had going causing Nick’s back to hit the wall each time. "You're just as strong as I am. You could kill me if you wanted to."

"You don't want me to stop you." Nick clawed down his spine, feeling the cloth of Kellogg's shirt split where he rent it in two.

"No - you just don't want me to _stop_."

He forced the tops of Nick's thighs up toward his chest, rocking just at the edge of the plate gap between his legs. Nick's breathing started to grow louder, and he wasn't sure if the whirring vibrating through him as if he were overheating was from Kellogg or if something was wrong. He was right in a way. Nick wasn’t sure if he could deal with the sudden loss of the burning force tearing him apart, the way it scorched through him, leaving nothing but an emptiness he needed filled, desperately.

" _Please_ -!"

"Begging now, are we?" Kellogg growled right in his ear. Nick turned his head away, his hips working toward the source of the pleasure. “Look at you, fucked totally open.”

His head fell back against the wall; Kellogg’s mouth - still so hot it burned - chased after, capturing his lips in a fierce kiss. His teeth caught Kellogg’s bottom lip and bit down, hard. The flesh gave way, with only the slightest of resistance.

Through a torn lip, Kellogg gave him a wild grin, the friction building as he ground hard against that twice-damned sensor that drove him up the wall.

A ragged groan ripped free of his mouth, and Nick was sure he wouldn’t last much longer like this.

“C’mon, then.” Kellogg forced him harder against the wall, the pressure making his lightweight metal frame grate together. His fingers, strong as they were, dug tracks down the edge of Kellogg’s armor. Nick’s head bowed, his mouth open. It was a shock to him when Kellogg touched his lips with his fingers. He took them into his mouth without another thought, grinding his back teeth against the intrusion.

“Oh _yeah_.” That familiar voice breathed in his ear, gravel and honey, thick with lust, and it was all Nick could take before he just let go right there. His hands gripped Kellogg’s shoulders tight as the light of his eyes flickered, unable to take the constant stimulation any longer.

The sound that escaped his mouth was an unnatural mechanical buzzing as his whole body went taut, sparks erupting from the jagged holes in his chest.

“My turn.” Kellogg murmured, letting Nick sink lower, body sagging forward as he caught his breath. He pulled out of him with an unceremonious tug, and the detective jerked along with the movement. He took Nick’s chin in his hand, tilting it up. His eyes lit up again, and Kellogg pushed his jaw open with his thumb. Rubbing the edge on his teeth, Kellogg gave him another feral grin, and took hold of his tie in the other, dragging him up onto his knees. Nick bit down on the pad of his thumb, just hard enough for a flare of arousal to make its way across Kellogg's expression.

The detective shifted where he was, coolant still streaking down his thighs in a slow stream. "Not a word?" Kellogg caressed the edge of his face plate - uncharacteristically tenderly - and Nick's breathing hitched.

"Did you ever find the guy who killed Jenny?"

"How did you feel when you killed the men who took your family from you?" Nick spoke after some consideration, voice low as his eyes flicked around the room, staring ahead into space. He was deliberately avoiding Kellogg’s gaze.

Kellogg took a breath and held it. "I try not to think about that."

His head rolled back to peer up at Kellogg. "I try not to think about Jenny either."

"Fair enough." Kellogg took hold of his jaw, fingertips ghosting over the wires beneath. Nick covered his hand with his own, breath heavy. "I can't do that again. Not so soon."

Kellogg pulled back as if he'd been scalded. Nick looked at him curiously, before eyeing his burgeoning erection, still coated in coolant. Maintaining eye contact, Nick opened his mouth and lapped at the head. He reacted accordingly, one hand still pulling his tie upward. Despite everything, he kept his eyes on Kellogg’s face, enveloping his cock in a wet pressure. It wasn’t as warm as he was anticipating, but Kellogg wrapped a hand around the back of Nick’s neck, the tips of his fingers coming to wrap around and curl along the back edge of his neck, just barely touching the exposed metal beneath. Nick’s breathing sped up from that touch alone, and his tongue swiped across the head of his cock purely by reflex. Not expecting it, Kellogg’s hips pistoned forward, eager for that attention. Nick put his hand to the other man’s hip, steadying him. He knew he wouldn’t gag from being handled too roughly, but something about having this kind of control over Kellogg was exhilarating.

Coolant dripped down the exposed side of his jaw, mingled with whatever synthetic substance made up Kellogg’s precum. It glistened as Kellogg let go of his neck, running two fingers along the aluminum line of his exposed jaw. The light of Nick’s eyes blacked out for a second, a vibration from deep inside him building.

“You’re enjoying this more than you thought you would, aren’t you?” Kellogg hooked a finger around the metal of his jaw, lifting his face sideways. Nick’s eyes dimmed, lids heavy, but still he didn’t tear his gaze from Kellogg’s. Instead, he used the angle to his advantage, taking him in just deep enough, almost swallowing around him, that Kellogg could see his own cock as he thrust, rolling his hips slow, languidly letting Nick form his tongue into shape around it. He groaned, the image of Nick taking him in making his hips stutter in their thrusts. Nick’s fingers tightened at his waist, pulling him out with some force. He looked up at him, mouth open as he panted; down his chin dripped thick liquid, and Kellogg almost came then and there. That was from him alone.

A sudden aching _want_ burned through him, an urge to take Nick roughly.

“Right here.” Nick could see the need on his face; he ran a hand along his length, teasing the head with a squeeze. “Just like this.”

He started guiding Kellogg’s erection to the jagged leaking hole in his face. It was already slick, still hot from the insistent press of Kellogg’s cock to the metal. Kellogg’s hand flew to the top of his head and gripped, _hard,_ pulling Nick’s head closer to his pelvis. His head bowed, and Nick’s fingers at his hip loosened their hold, letting him begin to thrust. Nick’s jaw was forced open, the now-familiar heat soaking through him like before. With each push of his hips, the friction against his sensitive metal core sparked new and unique pleasure, and Nick’s eyes coasted halfway closed. He knew he was drooling, but he wasn’t sure if it was his own fluids or a mix of his and Kellogg’s synthetic precum, but he didn’t care. The rhythm quickened, Nick’s tongue sliding along the wet length of his cock. Nick’s metal hand covered Kellogg’s on the top of his head, guiding him to thrust harder, the nibs at the ends of his fingers digging into his own scalp, allowing Kellogg permission to fuck his face, his jaw popping out with the effort.

Between his legs, Nick could feel himself growing wetter, coolant welling up along the edges of the panels where he had been fucked open. Nick’s regular hand travelled, shaking, down the side of his thigh, at once curling his fingers into the space between his thighs. With a jolt, he moaned around the cock in his mouth, and sparks exploded in front of his eyes. His mouth closed around Kellogg’s cock and he bit down just enough for a sharp cry to erupt from somewhere above him and then wet heat flooded his senses and his nasal cavity. Nick choked around his cock, drooling and dripping come from his nose and mouth. Kellogg pulled out without warning as he got soft, watching Nick double over, coughing and sputtering around the thick liquid leaking from his face.

Kellogg lifted Nick’s head, where his eyes refocused, staring up at him. His fingers gripped the back of Nick’s neck once more, and his head tilted back to rest against Kellogg’s palm. Nick’s legs were weak as he found the will to stand, his hand falling free from where it was between his thighs.

“You can’t say I’m a selfish lover, can you?” Kellogg, chest heaving, brought Nick closer. His eyes followed the tips of Kellogg’s fingers as he touched his jaw, strings of wet still clinging to it.

“I can’t call you a _lover_ either way.” Nick met his eyes with some difficulty. “Nora killed you. I watched her do it.”

“Mm, and she’s got an iron grip around whatever passes for your heart, don’t she? You ever gonna tell her about Jenny?” Kellogg teased, fingers wiping the come from Nick’s lips, where it had spilled from his nose.

“She deserves to know.”

“Do you think it’ll make her care more about you?” He leaned in close, the low vibrations from his voice going right through Nick’s body. Kellogg’s fingers curled around the edge of his metal jaw frame, squeezing tight. A cry of surprise and pleasure eked its way out of Nick’s disabled jaw; he all but melted against him, his already weakened knees collapsing. Kellogg held him upright, his arm solid against the small of Nick’s back. He could easily have squeezed tighter, Nick’s body would have crumpled against him like dry kindling.

One hand rested against Kellogg’s chest, ready to try to stop him if he tried. Nick squeezed Kellogg’s wrist, but only managed to get him to tilt Nick’s face to the side. “She doesn’t care about anyone but the kid. How long do you think that’ll last?” Nick stared, listening. “How many other synths did she gun down without another thought?”

He shook Nick by the jaw, visibly angry. Nick’s fingers tightened on his hand, a look of apprehension present. He couldn’t speak the way Kellogg was manhandling his face, his breathing loud.

“She didn’t care when she found out how my family was gunned down, she won’t care about Jenny, and she will never love you.”

Kellogg startled when Nick’s hand curved around his. He was carefully easing his hand off the metal frame; it was too much, too soon. As soon as his hand was pulled free, Nick let out a sigh and looked down at where Kellogg’s throat was working, adam’s apple bobbing with bottled up emotion.

“I don’t want her to love me.” He managed to speak, gaze flickering back and forth from Kellogg’s face to some unknown distant thing. “Jenny was enough for me.”

“She’s dead.”

“So were you.” Nick found the strength to hold his gaze, ignoring the gnawing urge to look away.

“What are you saying, that you think the Institute’s gonna have some record of her to bring back the way I was?” Kellogg snapped, laughing. “That’s a fucking pipe dream if I’ve ever heard one.”

“No.” Nick’s fingers crawled up toward Kellogg’s neck, twitching. “I know she’s gone. I couldn’t bring her back even if it were possible. It’s… not right. I just know it wouldn’t be her. It wouldn’t be the same girl I fell for.”

Kellogg’s hand, still clasped in Nick’s, took hold of the thin line of his throat, fingers curling inwards on both sides. It wasn’t a violent move, simply possessive.

“Here’s where you and I differ.” He spoke, lips right at Nick’s ear. “If I got the chance, I’d bring Sarah back, and Mary. They didn’t deserve to die because of a mistake _I_ made.”

Nick’s breath hitched and he listened carefully, eyes open. “How do you know if she’d approve of everything you’ve done?”

He pulled back, staring him full in the face. “She wouldn’t, I know that.” Nick’s hand slowly dropped from Kellogg’s wrist. “She could go back to some big safe city, take Mary with her, and live somewhere where some hotshot raider assholes from some backwater hell won’t come after me because I got in the way.”

Nick didn’t answer. That was noble, in a way; a less selfish reason than he was expecting.

Kellogg squeezed his throat, wrenching him closer. Nick’s mouth fell open, and he found himself studying his face. He licked his lips, again, just a half-remembered habit from a time long-gone, before reaching out and touching Kellogg’s face with the pointed tips of his aluminum fingers.

“You were a good man, once.”

“The same way you weren’t.”  

“I did some things I regret, after I lost Jenny.” He forced his gaze downward.

“Mm,” Kellogg pressed his arm further against Nick’s spine. He could feel it creak from the pressure. He drew him in closer, pulling him by the throat, before their mouths met. Kellogg's mouth trailed down to meet the edge of his face. The cloying sweetness of the coolant coated his tongue, sinking in, sticking to the surface.

Nick caught his breath in one fell swoop, clawing at Kellogg's shoulder. His tongue was so much hotter, so much more wet, as it curled around the exposed wires of his face.

A mild current ran through it, taking the time to dash its way across Kellogg's tongue. He ran his tongue along the jagged edge, tasting his own come where it had remained. Nick whined, breathing loud in his ear.

“You were touching yourself.” Kellogg’s voice vibrated, low and rumbling, right at the edge of his face. “Did you miss it that much?”

Nick shuddered, despite himself, a full body tremble. “Don’t--”

“Do it again.”

He watched his face, eyes flickering minutely, before reaching down with his metal fingers. Nick’s chin dug into his shoulder, as he worked a finger into the gap in his legs, still wide open, soaked through. His mouth opened, slackened. “Ah..”

Kellogg scraped his teeth along the edge of his jaw, and Nick’s hand tightened at his back. He added another finger, tentative as he separated them in a v shape. The feeling was nothing close to being filled, but nonetheless intoxicating. The constant grate of teeth against the metal of his face was a sweet underscore to the waves of pleasure that threatened to overtake him each time his fingers drove deeper, sparks soaring with each curl of his fingers.

Everything was too much for him; the _need_ building in him as he thrust his fingers faster, losing himself to the deep ache that was growing, the heat on his throat, the pressure at his back oppressive. Nick met his gaze, holding it as Kellogg drew back to watch his expression. The feeling of knowing he was being watched led him to begin to overheat much faster than he was expecting. His breath caught in his throat, leading to a sharp cry that segued into a metallic hum as he was overloaded with sensation.

Nick’s eyes dimmed and his head drooped against Kellogg’s shoulder. He smoothed a hand along the old detective’s jaw, smearing his come and spit and coolant across Nick’s mouth, as he deposited him in his chair, behind the desk. Nick’s head fell back against the top of it. His breathing was harsh, uneven, and his eyes were still dimmed, only a faint ring of yellow against the black.

“You’ll know where to find me, I’m sure. You found my place before.” Kellogg was tucking himself back into his pants, after he had wiped himself clean on Nick’s coat, discarded across his desk.

“You’re leaving.” It was phrased like a question, but Nick knew the answer already.

Kellogg gave him a half shrug as he walked to the door. “You know just as well as I do I’ll be back soon enough. You don’t want anyone to know I was here, right? How you’re fraternizing with a known Institute synth?”

Nick followed each step he took with his eyes; noting how it still felt like some part of him was missing, like a shot of buckshot clean through his stomach, like there was a hole. As the door clicked closed behind him, Nick briefly wondered if letting Ellie see him completely wrecked like this was worth the endless worried questions he would get if he did. He found it didn’t matter; his legs wouldn’t obey him either way, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he was irreparably damaged. His eyes drifted closed, as his sight started to go black.

Maybe this was a good thing.

Nick smiled as it all went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guys. I didn't think I would write more but I did. I'm hoping to continue this, so. Please, feel free to leave some comments. I'm actually really proud of this. I was intending to end it around 2k but it kept going so, this kind of happened.


	3. Chapter 3

The light was fading in and out. He was in a tunnel, maybe?

"--ink it worked, Dr. Amari?"

That was Ellie's voice. Nick felt a pang of guilt; she stumbled onto him. She was worried. He could hear it in her voice plain as day. Her tells were always so obvious.

"There's only one way to tell. Mr. Valentine? Can you hear me?"

The words were faint, as if yelled from far away. The first thing Nick noticed was that he was cold, truly bone-achingly cold.

"I could hear you a lot better if you weren't shouting." Nick spoke, feeling the cold spread inside him each time he breathed in.

"Nick!" That was Nora, sweet, beautiful Nora. Throwing caution to the wind, he opened his eyes with some difficulty. Some small part of him that concerned itself with everything old-Nick noticed his eyelashes were sticking together. _His eyelashes_.

Preston was there with her - good, Nick thought to himself.

"General, there was nothing to worry about. I told you." He was murmuring into her hair, holding Nora close. "There's no way he'd just die on you."

Nick made a move to stand and his head swam. His body was a lot heavier than he was used to.

"It will take you a bit to become fully acclimated, I'd think." Dr. Amari called from somewhere behind him.

"Acclimated?" Nick swung his leg over the side of the gurney to stand, the vertigo something he wasn't expecting. He almost fell, catching himself on the edge. "What do you mean - acclimated?" Nick turned to face her, skin prickling in the chilly room.

"Nick, we had to do this." Ellie called attention to herself, standing right by Nora. He turned back toward Amari, catching one heart stopping glimpse of a pile of scrap metal on a table behind her.

"Mr. Valentine, please."

He elbowed her out of the way, she dodged without another word.

"What did you do to me?" A burning settled somewhere below his heart, and he dimly acknowledged it as anger. Anger the likes of which he hadn't felt in years.

“That’s not you anymore. It’s just.. It’s just a shell. A badly damaged shell.”

Nick cast a look over his shoulder at Dr. Amari, before gripping the gurney. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Get me a mirror.” He croaked, voice not willing to work right. “Please.”

“Nick… Can you tell us what happened to you?”

He didn’t answer, touching his cheek where it used to be jagged. The feeling of smooth flesh beneath his fingertips was a marvel, but it didn’t feel right. This wasn’t _him_ , this wasn’t what Nick wanted.

“Mr. Valentine…”

“How long was I out?” He studied his face when Ellie passed him a hand mirror. The only thing that remained the same was his yellow eyes.

“I, it took a few days to locate a synth that was compatible.” Nora murmured, brow furrowed. “Almost a week at best? We did the transfer last night..”

Nick, still shocked, slammed the mirror down and lifted up his head, the old synth head, and peered into the face of his own mortality. Dried fluid smeared across the lips, still clogging up the hole by his jaw. “Did you consider whether I would agree to this?” His head tilted downwards, as Nick stared into the black empty eyes of his former shell.

“Well.. No, but… “ Nora was quiet. “I don’t want to lose you too, Nick.”

“I’m already lost.” He let the head drop with a clang, “You saw to it yourselves. How much of me is still _me?”_

Dr. Amari pressed her lips together tightly. “There was a small chance you would lose some cognition, particularly since your case is quite _unique_.”

Nick’s fingers twitched. He was dying for a cigarette. He managed to locate his coat, rifling through the pocket. Emerging victorious, Nick put the filter between his lips, and struck a match. He inhaled, and it felt like he tried to take a breath underwater. His lungs burned, clawing for air, and he started coughing. The cigarette was plucked out from his mouth and crushed underfoot.

“You can’t smoke anymore.”

Nick made a face and took a strained breath, clearing his throat. Even though his voice sounded hoarse, his words were dripping with vitriol. “Thank you for the warning, Doctor.” He swung the coat over his shoulders, getting a little off balance as he did. Nick gripped the wall, standing up. “I’m going home, if it’s all the same to you.”

“Not by yourself, you’re not.” Nora took hold of his arm. Nick swallowed the lump that threatened to rise in his throat.

“You have responsibilities to attend to.” He held up a hand to stop her from getting closer. “C’mon, Ellie. Help me get out of here.”

“Nick.” Nora called after him.

He jerked his head toward the door. “Ellie, let’s go. We’re burning daylight.”

 

* * *

  


_He'd know where to find him_. Nick mulled it over, sucking on a cigarette he hadn't yet lit. He didn’t want to risk choking up and getting caught. Nick's collar was up. He didn't know if anyone recognized him the way he looked now and he didn't want to chance it either.

It was a measured amble that took his feet up the steps to Kellogg's house. He couldn't have been stupid enough to come back. Nick tried the door. It was locked. Not at all how he and Nora left it. Maybe Kellogg _was_ just dumb enough.

Nick lifted his leg to kick down the door, getting a good solid blow in. The door creaked on its hinges but didn't budge. He kicked again, aiming for the lock. It shattered inward, brittle from lack of care. Nick tumbled in, carried forth by the force of the door caving. His chest heaved, and Nick found himself gawping as he looked around. It was in much worse shape since he'd been in there last, but it was empty.

Papers covered the walls, littered with cramped writing and what looked like hand drawn pictures. He looked closer at one page nearest him and it was a side portrait of Jenny, well shaded and surrounded by untidy handwriting he couldn't make out. The sight turned his stomach, and he tore it down with a surge of anger. Looking around, he noticed there were other pictures. Not all of them were Jenny. For that he was grateful. Some of them were places he recognized as pre-war sites. The place he asked Jenny to marry him. As well as one of the place she died.

Nick took a step, wading through the papers scattered across the floor. As he went down the wall, the pictures grew less familiar until they weren't his memories anymore. He stopped, sitting on the edge of his bed. There was a pre-war photograph held in place by a pin on the wall nearest the headrest, faded by the sun, but the subject matter was obvious. Distantly, Nick felt as if he should be more upset that Kellogg had found some old picture of him, cut out from some newspaper, but he knew he wasn't.

The sound of a laser pistol being primed broke the spell and he looked up. The shadow in the doorway was unmistakably Kellogg.

"Who the hell are you?"

With a jolt, Nick realized he didn't recognize him.

Kellogg lifted the pistol higher. "I asked you a fucking question."

Nick said the first words that came to mind, as he remembered the charcoal drawing in his fist: "I want you to stop drawing Jenny."

Kellogg's expression changed, to something Nick half knew from a totally different time, seen only on a completely different person. Himself, or at least old-Nick. Half glimpsed memories of looking into a mirror after her funeral, gaunt and drawn. Something about it didn’t suit him, and Nick squinted.

“I can’t. It happens when I’m asleep.”

He leapt up, all of a sudden full of misplaced rage at how easily Kellogg could just ignore these memories, and threw himself at Kellogg. His back struck the floor with a solid sound, and he dropped the pistol. It clattered away, rolling under the bed.

"You bastard! Look at this - it’s your fault I’m like this!" Nick's hands wrapped around his throat, tightening. Some composed voice at the back of his mind insisted this wasn't like him, these weren't his actions but someone else's. His thumbs pressed hard against his larynx, and Nick could feel his throat working, trying to gulp in air as he fought to get him off. Nick’s knees dug into his sides, all his weight pressing on his hands.

Kellogg gripped his wrists, tight enough for it to hurt. The pain gave Nick pause, and at that moment of weakness, he managed to flip Nick onto his back. He coughed, before slamming Nick down again. “What the fuck?”

“You-- You have no _right_ to those thoughts, to - to _Jenny_ ! You _ruined_ me!” Nick’s voice was thick with emotion as he shoved back against his grip, but to no avail; Kellogg crushed his hands down against the floor with his own.

The crumpled picture left char on his hands; where it had left black sooty prints on Kellogg’s throat. His eyes studied Nick’s face, as he struggled. Nick’s hips shifted against Kellogg’s thighs where they were between his legs and a weak moan was drawn from his lips. A look of dawning trepidation made itself known, and the room suddenly felt too hot. Nick tilted his head back, looking up at him with heavily lidded eyes. His breath was coming in hard, chest heaving.

Kellogg didn’t release him, instead working his jaw like he wanted to speak but couldn’t find the right words to say.

“Let go of me.” Nick was focusing his gaze somewhere behind Kellogg’s head. His entire body was tense, like a live wire was strung through him. He was trying hard not to move his hips again, hoping Kellogg would obey.

“Didn’t think I messed you up bad enough to warrant this.” Kellogg gripped his wrists with one hand, and turned Nick’s face with his free hand. “Kind of miss the big gaping hole.” His fingers trailed up through Nick’s hair, something he hadn’t gotten used to himself. Nick’s eyes fluttered closed and he let out a shaky sigh. “I like this though.” Kellogg tugged on it, and Nick moaned aloud.

He cracked a half grin, still wary around him, and Nick frowned, breathing fast. “I didn't get a choice in the matter."

Kellogg took a breath, before letting it out as he looked away. "It suits you. The way you look now."

Nick swallowed the words he was about to say, instead lowering his gaze.

He traced a knuckle along where the edge would be. Nick's breathing hitched, and he turned his head to take his knuckle into his mouth. His teeth sank into his flesh differently. The pliantness, the salt and gun metal taste of his skin, was different. Kellogg fought a groan, growing hard against him. Nick could feel it, despite his own erection making everything so much more sensitive. Nick made sure Kellogg was watching as he dug his incisors into the side of Kellogg's knuckle, biting down til a coppery heat flooded his mouth. He cursed under his breath, releasing Nick's wrists as he rolled his hips downward. Nick's back arched at the contact, a shocked cry bursting from his lips. He pulled back, panting wildly. This was not how he was anticipating this to have gone. Nick needed to leave before this got any worse.

_And yet._

And yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

He took Kellogg's finger deeper in his mouth, pressing his tongue to the wound. He hissed at the sting, but didn't budge. Nick's eyes met Kellogg's, and he stared, enjoying the look on his face as he sucked his finger. A pleasant heat was building in the pit of his stomach. Kellogg rammed his hips down again.  The warmth escalated rapidly into a raging inferno when he moaned, legs hooking onto his waist. Nick pistoned his hips upward to meet him halfway, and when he didn't rock down a second time, he pulled Kellogg in close, catching his mouth in a lingering kiss.

Kellogg was the first to shove him back, and the few words he managed to speak were not what Nick was expecting. "Don't do that."

Nick watched him, before leaning in and kissing him again, this time taking a long moment. He drew away, Kellogg's lower lip caught again between his teeth. He didn't bite down this time, just paying attention to Kellogg's reaction.

"If you don't stop, I won't be able to help myself." He breathed, cracked lips close to Nick's mouth.

Nick cocked an eyebrow. Kellogg pressed their mouths together. The kiss was all teeth, much more aggressive than he was expecting. Kellogg had tilted his head, breathing fast in his ear. His hands caught the edge of Nick's pants, and he pulled them down in one movement. Nick pretended not to notice, but other parts of him stood at attention. He gripped Nick's cock tight, squeezing in a way that made him see stars. Nick wouldn't have been able to keep up with him, too close already.

It took only a few strokes of his hand, and then Nick had come, jerking his hips up hard. He took two fingers, slicked with Nick's fluid, and circled around his ass. He inhaled sharply, not expecting it. "You've done this before?"

"Not with anyone like you."

"Should I be flattered?" Nick asked, face hot.

"That depends on what you find flattering." Kellogg gave him a quick look, his finger sinking in without warning. Nick tossed his head back, eyes scrunched up tight. His cock twitched, and he bent one knee, letting him work. "I don't usually form habits of fucking synths."

"Isn't that something then." Nick dryly responded, another quip on the tip of his tongue, as Kellogg crooked his finger, working it inside him until --

Nick's mouth opened wide and the only sound that left his lips was a loud whine. Despite himself, Nick grabbed Kellogg's wrist. "Do that again."

He worked a second finger into him - the stretch made him scratch down Kellogg's wrist, and it was almost too much for him already. He curled those two fingers inside him, twisting right against that sweet spot, and Nick cried out, pumping his hips as he couldn't help but orgasm loudly. Kellogg grinned, and pulled back all the way. Nick lay there, panting. He hoisted Nick onto his knees, easily moving him. Nick was complacent, limbs askew as he was lifted. The detective shifted, allowing Kellogg to manoeuvre him. Nick was straddling his waist, ass lifted above where Kellogg's cock stood. He sank down onto it with all of his weight and the sensation of being filled so completely was something he'd never felt before. The feeling made him ache, but he needed to move, to feel him so much inside right now.

Nick’s hands gripped Kellogg’s shirt, clutching at it in his fists. His head fell forward and he moaned, when Kellogg’s hands took hold of his waist. Nick bounced for a moment, but even that proved to be too much when his body spasmed around the intrusion. “I-I can’t-- I’m--!”

“Let’s see if you can keep up.” Kellogg pulled him down hard, as he rocketed upward. Nick shot upward, ramrod straight, as he cried out.

“Don’t--don’t stop…!” Nick’s whole being burned; he couldn’t breathe without letting out a whine with each exhale, the movement forcing him to snap his hips down against each pivot.

Kellogg sat up, arms wrapped right around Nick’s back. Nick surged forward, pressing himself against every inch of Kellogg. He hiked Nick’s shirt up, getting a hand under his shirt and teasing his chest, his dull nails scraping gently against his back right between his shoulder blades. The old detective couldn’t handle it - Nick took Kellogg’s face in his hands, forcing their mouths together, quashing a cry that sounded as he came, body hot. He forced Nick down on his back again, sinking into him as Nick clutched him close. A hand was on either side of Kellogg’s face as he cried out, eyes shut tight. Their mouths met again, biting and sucking, taking each other in.

Nick knew he was edging toward his limit, but Kellogg kept going, the wet slap of their bodies the only sound beside their breathing. Nick’s heels dug into the top of his hips, legs shaking as he took the pounding.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Kellogg exhaled, as his breath caught, words culminating in a low groan. It was punctuated by a stuttered rock of his hips, and then a slow languid thrust. Nick stiffened, the wet heat a new sensation. Another moan snaked its way out of him and he sagged against the floor as he rolled his hips, finishing. Kellogg looked down at him, mouth open. He looked as if he wanted to say something but didn’t. Nick retracted his hands, taking his time with it, as he leaned back on his elbows.

Neither were acknowledging what they wanted to say. Kellogg pulled out, and he couldn’t help but close his eyes against the empty feeling that came with it, both physically and emotionally. Nick’s voice cracked when he tried to speak. He worked his throat, sitting up further. He ached all over, and the quickly cooling stickiness was hard to ignore.

“You’re gonna wanna get cleaned up.” Kellogg wasn’t meeting his gaze, instead looking around for something he could use.

Nick was already up, sitting on the dusty excuse for his bed. “Got anything that _isn’t_ dirty around here?” He was looking around the ruined room with disdain, his expression was scathing. "I hate you."

“Glad to see the feeling is mutual.” Kellogg was up, halfway across the room, digging through discarded items. Nick gave a dismissive little sound, watching his back. His shoulder muscles were visible through the fabric of his shirt, and something about him held Nick’s attention. He was sure Kellogg could feel his eyes on him when he turned.

“Forget it.” Nick was getting to his feet, face hot as he fixed his trousers. “I’ll get to it later.”

“Wait.” He took hold of Nick’s arm. “That’s it? That’s the whole reason you went looking for me?” Kellogg scoffed, shaking his head at him. “To get laid?”

“No.” Nick jerked his bicep free of Kellogg’s tight grip, going to the door. “I can’t get anything done around you.”  He cast a tired glance in Kellogg’s direction. “You’re a distraction.”

“You come into _my_ house, get me to fuck you, and _I’m_ the distraction.” He took a step toward Nick, and something about the lithe way he moved bristled Nick’s nerves.

“You know what I mean.” He stood up straighter, not backing up when Kellogg came at him.

“Do I?”

Nick huffed, meeting his eyes. “You’re doing it right now.”

“What was your intention here then?” Kellogg stopped an inch from his face. “To kill me again? And then what?” He barred Nick from leaving, putting his arm in the way beside him. “I saw your new little body, took it for a test spin, and now you’re just gonna leave. That can’t be it.”

Nick crumpled back against the doorjamb, Kellogg’s body pressing close. “If I had never let you in that day, I wouldn’t be like this. You destroyed me.”

“Mm.” Kellogg agreed quietly, looking him up and down. “I like this body though. It’s… I could get used to looking at it.”

Nick froze, face burning. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “It’s not _me._ It’s some other poor synth sap.”

That got him to laugh. Nick tried not to look up; he didn’t want to know what Kellogg looked like when he smiled. He didn’t want that image in his mind, but it was too late.

Kellogg hesitated, about to say more, but something stopped him. Nick held his breath, anticipating _something_ but he didn’t know what _._ He leaned up, mouth open, waiting for Kellogg to make the next move.

 _“_ You should go.” He let his arm drop, and Nick was left standing there by the ruined door like a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please leave some comments and kudos! Let me know if you liked it or not! tell me what you think!! please!!!)


	4. Chapter 4

Nick couldn’t help but glower at him, his eyes focused like twin pinpricks on Kellogg’s mouth. Kellogg’s tongue slipped out and wet his lips, a distracting notion, sending a wave of warmth through to the pit of Nick’s stomach, before he put his hand to Nick’s throat. 

“You’re staring.” Kellogg’s thumb smoothed across the divot of his collarbone, voice dropping low. “You want me to kiss you, don’t you?” 

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it, if that’s what you’re saying.” Nick tilted his head back, still caught up in the sensation of Kellogg’s hand, hot against his throat. 

There was a low rumble that Nick assumed to be Kellogg chuckling, and he looked away, afraid his expression would give him away. Face hot, Nick covered his hand with his own, making him squeeze his neck. Kellogg’s fingers flexed, as if he was nervous, before tightening. Nick gasped, before angling his hips up toward Kellogg’s waist. His mouth opened in an oh, as his breath quickened.    


“Do you get off on me hurting you?” Kellogg’s words were spoken against his ear, and Nick opened his mouth to speak but the words were swallowed by Kellogg’s mouth on his. Nick’s fingers scrambled against his back for purchase, grasping at his belt and hauling Kellogg closer bodily. His hips clashed against Nick’s, as the detective struggled to unbuckle Kellogg’s belt blind and one handed. Kellogg slipped a hand down to help him, and Nick managed to undo his fly. His free hand slipped into Kellogg’s pants, tightening around his cock. He stroked him slow, sloppily drawing him to hardness. He rolled his hips against Nick’s fist, rocking into his touch. Nick pulled back first, glancing down as he watched Kellogg move, totally at his mercy. He looked up just for a moment, catching his gaze. Kellogg watched his expression flush, and for the strangest reason felt a tightness in his chest. 

Nick watched, holding his tongue, as he pulled the belt from his waist, replacing his hand on Nick’s throat with it. Kellogg pulled it tight like a leash, and Nick’s eyes went wide, pupils blown as big as saucers. 

“This is what you want, isn’t it?” 

“Try not to do me in.” Nick licked his lips, the pressure on his throat making him hard again. 

“No promises.” Kellogg tugged on the belt and it tightened. Nick swallowed hard, mouth suddenly dry. His hand found itself at Kellogg’s chest, gripping hard. He pulled again, and Nick’s chin hit his shoulder. Kellogg hissed through his teeth at the blow, before grabbing hold of his cock through his pants. Nick whined through the tight leather at his throat, eyes half closed. 

His head felt lighter, as Kellogg stroked him til he felt he couldn't go on without his touch.

He tore through Nick’s tie easily with one hand, the thin fabric shredding apart. “Was tempted to stick this in your mouth, but I think I’d rather hear you.” 

Nick followed him with his eyes as Kellogg went behind him. He could feel him shifting close as his arms were wrenched tight behind his back, elbows together. Nick threw his head back, barely able to gasp in pain. Pleasure flared low in the pit of his stomach and a strangled moan made its way out of his throat. 

“You like that, huh?” Kellogg took his wrists, pulling his arms lower, almost out of the sockets as he secured them tight. Nick forced himself to focus on his breathing, the pleasure a burning point that spread up his spine and pooled somewhere between his legs. 

He was panting shallowly as he watched the man before him go down on one knee, still just tall enough to press an open mouthed kiss to his side, teeth scraping along the edge of Nick’s ribs. He shivered, muscles of his stomach trembling. The belt went slack for a moment, and Nick managed to take in some air. Chest heaving, he looked down at Kellogg. He gave him a manic look, and Nick felt heat come to his cheeks. 

“I take it this isn’t your first rodeo.” Nick blurted, eyes trained on Kellogg’s face. 

He laughed, again, the sound vibrating through Nick’s chest, his mouth on Nick’s hipbone where it jutted out, his body pulled into an uncomfortable angle. 

“Didn’t think you were into this kind of thing.” Kellogg sank his teeth into the beginning of paunch this new body came equipped with, and sucked hard at his skin when Nick jerked his hips forward in surprise. He wished he could grab hold of his shoulders, arms struggling in the braided knot behind him. Kellogg chuckled, pulling back to let the cool air get at the angry red bite mark. All the breath was knocked out of him, and he felt dizzy for a second. Kellogg took advantage, sliding his palm down the length of Nick’s cock. He groaned out loud, head rolling back on his shoulders. He wasn’t sure how Kellogg knew just exactly what would send him reeling, the way his breath was coming in shorter and shorter, he felt like the room was spinning around him. 

Nick shifted, unable to catch his breath. “Hold on a second..” 

Kellogg shoved him backward, and Nick landed on his arms. His shoulders twisted painfully behind him, and he couldn’t get up. Despite the pain in his arms, he was able to catch his breath, panting hard. HIs fist tightened around Nick’s cock again, and Nick’s eyes closed. 

Kellogg took hold of his hips, lifting them when Nick put his knees up. Nick’s eyes widened as he hooked Nick’s knees over his shoulders, running his hands down Nick’s thick thighs. It put all the weight on the tops of his shoulders, and Nick arched his back to relieve the sting in his muscles. 

In a moment, all Nick could feel was the heat of Kellogg’s mouth on him. Teeth scraping, leaving red raw lines down his flesh. His fingers dug into the meaty flesh of Nick’s thighs as he swallowed around him. Nick moaned out loud, his breath harsh. There was a sharp yank on the belt and it tightened around his throat. He choked, rocking his hips. The feeling intensified, the warmth at the base of his spine building until he felt as if he were full of it, a blazing inferno just under his skin. Nick's neck was lifted, head jerking forward and he could feel his bones grate under his skin. Somehow despite not knowing why, he knew he needed more. 

He pistoned his hips toward Kellogg's receptive mouth, voice catching on the pressure on his throat. 

He pushed two thick fingers into him and Nick twisted in his grip. He was writhing as Kellogg crooked his fingers, pressing mercilessly inward, relentless, not letting up for a single second. 

Kellogg's tongue swiped along the sensitive head of his cock and for a moment he was sure he was going to lose it. He was laving attention along every inch of him, like he'd done this a thousand times before, stopping at every sensitive little spot and wringing every last sound out of him, like he'd memorized Nick's form, every bit.

Nick was arching off the ground, body begging for release. Kellogg was cruel enough to keep it from him, for just a while longer. 

Spit was gathering in the corner of Nick’s mouth, and he absently noted this was something Kellogg did well, making him drool like this. Each time he rocked down against the touch it sparked a jolt of pleasure straight to his erection, and he was so  _ close _ , just on the very edge of it, he needed something  _ more. _

Kellogg pulled the belt taut, and Nick couldn’t breathe at all. He arched up hard, struggling for breath as he was thrown over the edge, losing himself to his orgasm as it thundered through him. Kellogg’s grip was harsh enough that Nick knew he would be bruising later. His body sagged, every muscle screaming as all the tension relaxed. 

He flipped Nick over, lifting his ass into the air. Nick was panting hard, able to catch his breath as the belt slackened. He coughed, bowing his head. Kellogg ran his hand along Nick’s spine, under the knots holding his hands together. Nick hissed through his teeth as he hooked his fingers around the knot, tugging his arms up. There was the sound of metal springing and then a sawing sound, before Nick’s arms were freed. 

“Well, that’s unusable now.” Nick quipped as he let his arms drop, the tie falling in pieces on either side of him. “You know how hard it is to find a good tie around here?” 

“Oh, poor you.” He squeezed Nick’s ass, fingers digging into the plush flesh easily. He’d definitely have bruises later, Nick realized, wincing as his legs spread wider. “You should change it up.” Kellogg worked his hips against Nick’s ass. “Maybe less layers.” 

His face grew warmer, and he let his head drop. “I could say the same thing about you.” 

“Is that so?” Kellogg’s mouth was searing against his spine, bared where Nick’s shirt was crumpled upward. 

Nick didn’t answer, Kellogg’s hand a welcome distraction. He didn’t want to think about it; his mind wandering. His cock stirred, and he moaned when Kellogg’s fist curled around it. 

“Didn’t take you for the type to enjoy this as much as you do.” He shoved into him, propelling Nick forward a few inches, his hips stopped by the solid grip around his waist. Nick’s mouth opened wide and he let out a sharp cry. Kellogg’s arm squeezed his waist, pulling his back against Kellogg’s chest as he started thrusting into him, taking his sweet time. The rough edge of his armor bit into Nick’s back where it was bare. 

He rocked down faster, pushing back against him. Nick’s fingers squeezed Kellogg’s thigh, forcing him deeper. He whined, resting his face in the crook of his elbow, being pressed down against the floor as he was forced down, the weight of the other man on top of him as he was pounded. Kellogg wrapped an arm tighter around his waist, holding him closer as he rammed into him. 

Nick gasped aloud, as he was pressed against the floor harder, knees painfully caught beneath the weight of both of them. He stretched his arm out, reaching out to hold himself up as his head bowed. Kellogg took hold of his wrist, covering his hand with his own, as he tore into Nick, hitting him head on. Each time he struck him, NIck’s head bounced with the force. 

“Fuck, I love the sounds you make.” Kellogg spoke against his back,  rolling his hips, as Nick’s hand held onto his hips, moving with him. 

“Stop talking about that,” Nick groaned, his hot cheek flat against the floor. “I hate needing you like this. I hate wanting y--!!” 

Kellogg’s hand, wrapped around his cock, started stroking faster and he choked on the words he was going to say, keeping up with his thrusts. 

“You’re a monster..” Nick breathed, teeth gritting down into his lip to keep from crying out louder. 

Kellogg ground down against him, mouth against his ear. “Takes one to know one. Remember all those people you killed? Whole families, gunned down by your hand.” 

Nick shivered. “That was a long time ago. Times have changed.”   


Kellogg bit down on the shell of his ear and he let out a sound of surprise, arching up against him.  “If Jenny could see you now, she’d hate what you’ve become.” 

His stomach turned over, and he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. Nick forced his eyes closed as he shuddered, his entire body clenching. “She would.” He agreed quietly, his voice wavering. Kellogg had to have noticed, as Nick lifted his ass higher. “In a way, I’m glad she’s not here to see me. The same way Sarah would be disgusted by what  _ you’ve _ become.” 

He exhaled slow, listening to Nick as the thick liquid sound of their bodies moving together grew louder. Nick’s voice caught and he buried his face against his arm, panting hard. 

Nick pushed back against his cock and came, body tight around him. Kellogg rammed hard against him, and he moved with each thrust still. Kellogg’s fingers gripped Nick’s hand tighter, fingers entwined as he thrust to his completion. Nick’s hand curved around Kellogg’s fingers, holding his hand there with his. He came with a low groan, the room oppressively silent around them, the weight of the words left unsaid bearing down on them both. 

Nick turned over, looking up at him, cringing when he felt warmth leaking down the back of his legs. He reached up, loosening the belt around his throat, fingers pressing the beginnings of a bruise as he lifted it off. 

“Here. You’re going to want this back.” He dropped it in Kellogg’s lap. 

Kellogg held his gaze, mouth working. 

“You need to leave.” He was shaking when he shoved Nick’s hand back at him and Nick couldn’t believe it. “Right now.” 


	5. Chapter 5

Nick's shoulders sagged as he clutched one hand in the other. The boosted sensation was making his wrist ache, and he was sure it was just phantom pain from whatever software passed for his brain sending mixed signals from his skin back to whatever his bones were made of, nerves firing away. The result was the same. He would never admit it but he missed his old frame, the way it was simply  _ him _ in the way this new synth chassis wasn't. 

Ellie hung up her coat by the door, right in front of him, but he didn't look up. With a soft huff when she noticed he didn't react, she spoke; "You need to check in with me sometimes, Nick. I get.. Well, I get worried when you vanish for hours at a time and come back looking beat up." She brushed a stray hair behind her ear, looking up at him. 

Nick grunted out a response, gold eyes not meeting hers. 

Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. "You have bruises, Nick. Around your neck." She took a step, sidling toward him. "I, I get that you're upset about your new you, but can we talk about this?" 

"There's nothing to talk about. Some raiders caught me outside Goodneighbor, ripped my tie and gave me the bruise." 

Her lips pressed together tight, turning white. She could tell he was lying by the way he was avoiding her gaze. Sometimes spending all her time around him was good for something. The only question was why he was lying to her face. 

"I spoke to Doctor Amari, Nick. You haven't been there to see her in a while. When was the last time you were even in Goodneighbor?"

Nick didn't answer, gold eyes flicking up to meet Ellie's expression for once. "Why were you seeing Dr. Amari?" 

Ellie's cheeks flared pink, and Nick could tell he struck a nerve. "We were having dinner together, b-but don't change the subject. Where have you been going then?" 

"It's for a case." He leaned back in his chair, hands clenching and unclenching in his lap. "I didn't want you to worry." 

"It's too late for that, Nick. What happened to you?" Her eyes widened. "Is it something with Jenny?" 

He tried to stop himself from cringing at the name, but he couldn't. Maybe it was a mistake letting her know so much about him. "No.. I." He swallowed, sucking at his teeth, mulling over what he should say. “Ellie, I wish it was, but it's more than that." Nick ran a hand through his hair, feeling as though he was mimicking an action the old Nick would have done often. "I don't want you to have to get involved. It's dangerous, and I don't want you to get hurt." 

"That's exactly why you should tell me where you go, so if something happens I could get someone to help you." 

Nick opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. She had a point. 

“I can’t do that, Ellie.” 

“You can’t, or you  _ won’t _ ?” 

“That’s not how it is and you know it.” 

“Nick--” She spoke, softly, hugging herself. “I worry about you, you know?” 

“I know.” He stood, crossing the room. Nick took her shoulders in his hands, gently squeezing. “And I promise I’ll tell you when I find something, but for now, you have to trust me, okay?” 

“Okay.” Ellie met his gaze, unwavering. 

He gave her a nod, and coaxed a little smile from her. “I’m going out tonight, but I’m not leaving Diamond City, so you don’t need to worry.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“This is different.” Nick looked Kellogg up and down, settling into the seat across from him after he dragged it over across the room to him. Kellogg had one leg crossed over the other at the ankle, and his elbow was resting on the arm of his chair. Thick sweet smelling smoke undulated upward from the end of his cigar, streaking through his lips when he exhaled. 

“You were expecting something a little more violent, I take it.” 

Nick squinted, studying his expression. 

"As soon as I begin to understand you, you surprise me again."

"Maybe you shouldn't try to understand me."

“I’ve seen enough to know what kind of man you are.” Nick drew a half crushed pack of cigarettes from his pocket. 

“Isn’t that something like the pot calling the kettle black?” 

Nick put the filter to his lips, feeling his pockets for his matchbook. Ellie must have taken them to discourage him from smoking.

“Got a light?”

Kellogg flipped open his gold-plated lighter, offering the flickering flame to him. Nick covered the side with his hand, pulling it closer when he brought it to the end of his cigarette perched haphazardly between his lips. Kellogg’s grip twitched around the lighter, and he wondered if Kellogg noticed the crackle of an electric shock that jumped the small gap between their fingers, or if it was just his imagination when their eyes met over the bridge of his nose when he bowed his head to light the cigarette. 

Desire coiled in the pit of his gut and he forced himself to disregard the heat building in his belly. “No one noticed you came back? That you just up and rose from the dead?” The cigarette between his fingers burned alone, but he hadn’t brought it to his lips again yet. 

“They never said anything when I had a kid with me either.” Kellogg crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against his chair. “Not to my face at least.” 

“The way you look? I’m sure they thought you’d shoot them.” Nick leaned forward, elbows on his knees. He held his cigarette away from his body, smoke rising 

“They weren’t wrong.” He caught a glimpse of the corner of Kellogg’s lips turning upward, and the heat easily turned into a blaze growing inside him. 

“Mm,” Kellogg looked his way and held his gaze, lips curled up in a smirk. 

“Do you think it’s funny people are afraid of you?” Nick pressed his fingers to his mouth, taking a long draw of his cigarette. 

“Why not?” He was following the line of Nick’s cigarette with his eyes, he could tell by the way his gaze shifted. “No one bothered me unless they had a good reason for it.” 

"I'm sure I have a good reason." Nick took a slow drag, letting it out through his teeth.

"You're not afraid of me." It wasn't a question. “You don’t count.”

"No. I never was. Takes more than a few bullets to keep me down."

"Mm." Kellogg lifted the cigar to his lips. Nick followed the glow of the ember at the end with his eyes. He blew the smoke out through his nose. "Used to be able to say the same."

"What a pity." Nick added, in a deadpan mumble. 

He cocked an eyebrow in Nick’s direction. “You didn’t sound upset that I was alive last time you were here.” 

Nick flushed immediately and coughed, avoiding looking at him. “Getting to the bottom of this wouldn’t be any easier with you dead again.” 

“So you say.” Kellogg put out his cigar, crushing it against the dirty ashtray. His nonchalance was aggravating to Nick.  “Tell me again what you’re doing here.”

A beat passed between them, like a current running both ways and Nick closed the distance between them. 

"You're going to tell me everything you know about what you're doing to me." He gripped the sides of Kellogg's shoulders. 

"What makes you think I'll know? I wasn't particularly privy to the inside workings of the Institute." His fingers danced along the edges of Nick's sides, never fully landing or taking hold of him. 

He snarled, getting closer, the tips of their noses touching. "You  _ have _ to know."

"I don't." Kellogg tilted his head back so their faces were parallel. "You're the one with the friends that made a habit of playing around in my memories." 

He scoffed, eyes looking everywhere but at Kellogg. "Do you think I'm  _ playing around  _ now?"

"If this is playing, I'd like to see you serious." Kellogg's fingers caught on the rim of Nick's belt, and they hooked there, stuck fast. 

"Why do you think it's something  _ I _ did to you?" 

"Because you have a track record of doing horrible things for the sake of getting paid." 

"And you actually think I'm getting paid to fuck around with you?" Kellogg's fingers slid around to hook into the front of his belt, pulling Nick closer. "Why else would I bother with it, right?" 

Nick looked right at him, eyes wider. His hand flew from Kellogg's shoulder to his chest, pushing him away so he could take a moment to process. 

"What a great hobby." He wheedled back, dryly, pulling his knee back down from where it was resting between Kellogg's legs for balance. "You should try taking up something else instead."

"You started this when you had to help Nora find her kid." Kellogg drew him back closer. "Gotta weakness for waifs with dark hair, huh? How is she, anyway?" 

Nick crossed his arms. "You should know. She found a way into the Institute."

Kellogg swore under his breath. "Resourceful, I'll give her that. I take it you don't know much about it then? The fairytale romp through my head didn't tell you anything about the kid being a synth?" 

Nick averted his gaze, not wanting to appear weak and let him see the horror he felt. "That's going to devastate her." 

"Isn't it?" Kellogg looked at him with a kind of sick satisfaction. With a pang, he realized how Nora had lost everything the same way Kellogg did. Like he was looking at how the future could turn Nora cruel too. "Think that's something you have in common with her then." 

Nick's lip curled. "You just enjoy seeing her suffer the way you did." 

"You think that's it?" Kellogg spoke, fingers twitching toward the warmth of his stomach beneath the fabric of his shirt. "That I get off on making all of you dance like puppets on string?" 

"Here comes another excuse." 

He curled his fists around the top of Nick's belt and jerked him closer in anger. Nick fell into his lap, scrambling to find purchase, not willing to sink down onto him. 

"You think this is all fun and games. That I'm having  _ fun _ here." Kellogg held onto his belt with an iron grip. 

"Why else would you be content to jerk me around like this?" Nick shoved at him, trying to break free. Kellogg's back hit the chair and the impact forced Nick closer against him. His hands gripped the top edge of the chair, fighting to remain standing, one leg up on the chair, almost in Kellogg's lap. 

"I could ask you the same thing. You don't want me dead. If you did, you had plenty of chances to get it done already." One hand went around to Nick's back, holding him just right there. If he didn't know better, Nick would have guessed he didn't want him to fall. Kellogg's fingers splayed at the small of his back, the weight oppressive. 

Nick didn't have an answer for him. "Killing you again would just make it worse." 

"You don't want to make me mad." Kellogg tilted his head back, regarding him with an appraising look and a smirk. "You think that's the only reason?" 

Nick was hauled closer, their bodies pressed together. He was sure there'd be holes in the upholstery where his fingers punched through, his grip like a vice.  

"What are you saying?” 

“You’re not putting in an effort to get away.” 

“Oh, so I’m supposed to be struggling harder to free myself.” One of Nick’s hands came to rest at the edge of Kellogg’s collar, his mouth suddenly dry. “Is that how we’re playing this?” 

“I thought we could take it by ear.” 

“Do you now?” 

Kellogg gave him a savage grin, and Nick’s fingers slid along the hollow of his throat, carefully under his shirt collar. He swallowed, and Nick followed the movement of his adam’s apple with his fingertips. 

“What do you think this is?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I think this is. The truth of the matter still stands.” Nick froze when he felt the heat of his hand cupping his ass, as Kellogg guided him closer. “There’s something about you that keeps me coming back and I’m dead set on figuring out what that is.” 

“What an apt choice of words.” Kellogg’s hands tightened where they were at his back.

"What's it like? Dying?" 

"Shit, you don't remember, do you." 

He bowed his head. "I don't know how the old Nick even died. I’m sure it wasn’t anything nice." 

Kellogg sucked air in through his teeth, thinking about it. "I didn't even have the capacity to notice til someone shoved a little bit of me into you." 

Nick watched him. "And before that?" 

"It hurt. Everything hurt. Your girl hit me hard." 

He held his tongue to keep from correcting him. "And then you woke up in me. In my head." 

"Right. But I didn't  _ feel _ asleep. It was nice, like I had no worries anymore. Felt like only seconds passed, honestly."

"I'm glad  _ you _ thought it was pleasant." Nick muttered, face hot. 

“The good part didn’t happen for you til long after.” Kellogg laughed and it rumbled through him, sending a shockwave zooming through to his groin. Nick wondered if he knew what he was doing to him. 

“When you put it like that, it sounds like I had a choice in this.” Nick’s fingertips delved down lower, popping the first button of his shirt. 

“Didn’t you?” Kellogg inhaled sharply, leaning back further in the chair. He was plucking the bottom of Nick’s shirt out from under his belt, gathering it up and pulling it off over his head. His fingernails trailed up Nick’s sides and he shivered, fingers definitely tearing through the faux leather of the chair’s back. 

“When you left,” Nick thought on his words, good and hard,  “the first time.. It ached to be alone.” 

Kellogg’s fingers stopped at his hips, the force of his fingers leaving lines where they trailed. His breathing picked up, and Nick could hear it thundering through him, sending those same vibrations through every inch of him. “And now,” He stopped, searching Kellogg’s expression. For what, he didn’t know, but he was sure if he saw it he would know. “I can’t stop this.” 

“If you could, would you want to stop?” 

Nick bit back a response, throat working thickly. If he said no, he wasn’t sure how Kellogg would react. If he said yes, he was sure Kellogg wouldn’t stop anyway, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t want him to. He surged forward toward him, catching Kellogg’s mouth with his own. A sound of surprise was swallowed by their mouths clashing, and Nick’s hips canted toward him.  Kellogg pulled back first, breathing fast. 

“That isn’t an answer.” 

“You won’t like the answer I’ll give.” Nick’s eyes were averted, his heart pounding somewhere in his throat. 

“Try me.” 

“I don’t want this. I.” Nick stared at him, his gaze automatically drawn to his face. “I never wanted this.” His fingers trailed further down the open line of Kellogg’s shirt, dragging his touch upward to the hollow of his collarbone, as if committing the lines of his throat to memory. 

Kellogg made a dismissive sound, and the deep rumble of his voice sent shockwaves down Nick’s arm where his fingers traced the muscles of his neck. “Well, you’ve got it. You’ve got me.” 

“You disgust me,” Nick’s hand traveled up the length of his throat, pausing at the edge of Kellogg’s jaw, where he lifted his face. “What you did to Nora, to her  _ family _ , is reprehensible, unforgivable. It’s--” He pressed his mouth to Kellogg’s, and the words he was about to say were forgotten momentarily, when he responded in a husky whisper. “I hate everything about you, everything you’ve done.” 

“Join the club.” Kellogg worked his fingers under Nick’s belt, squeezing hard enough he was sure he would leave marks. His mouth opened and he flexed his legs, putting them on either side of Kellogg’s hips. Nick took hold of him, a hand against the nape of Kellogg’s neck to keep himself balanced. He rolled his hips down toward the heated touch edging his trousers down. “You act like you’re not a piece of shit either. I read your file, Nick.” 

He paused, holding his breath at the sound of his own name. “There’s nothing in there you didn’t already know.” 

“What about Nora? You don’t think she’s gonna drop everything for her son, and join the Institute?” 

He shifted, growing uncomfortable as he unbuckled his pants with a weak jingle of metal on metal. “She knows what they’ve done. She wouldn’t.” 

Kellogg pulled Nick’s cock free from his opened trousers, stroking him slow. “She doesn’t know what  _ you _ did. How your superiors sent you to get your head checked after you opened fire on innocent people,” His hand clenched tighter around the back of Kellogg’s neck at his words, not just from the contact; “Because they had a tenuous connection to the man who killed your fiancee.” 

Nick couldn’t bring himself to give him a reason why, the only sound spilling from his lips a weak groan when Kellogg swiped a thumb across the head of his quickly filling erection, a bead of wet trailing down the side. His head tilted back, breath coming in sharp pants. It had been too long. Kellogg kept talking: “Did you think you deserved to walk free after that?” 

He gasped out loud, managing to find his words. “Nick -  _ I _ didn’t care. They deserved it more than Jenny did.” 

“Even the children?” Kellogg tightened his grip, starting to move his hand faster. 

“N-no..” Nick was struggling not to move his hips, and it was even more of an uphill battle for him to keep the conversation going. “They were in the way.” He closed his eyes, biting back a cry. 

“Say it. Say you’re just as much a monster as I am.” Kellogg held him fast, as Nick’s hips pistoned back and forth, desperate for release. 

“Th-that wasn’t me. That’s not who I am anymore!” Nick whined, shaking with the effort not to give in to him. 

“How can you say that wasn’t you, when they all died because of actions you took.” 

“I’m not  _ you! I didn’t kill them because I wanted to, damn it!”  _ There was a desperation to Nick’s voice that broke when Kellogg released him. He was panting hard, when he realized his face was wet. He sobbed, squeezing the back of Kellogg’s neck as he came. Nick dipped his head, catching his breath. “Don’t.. don’t ask me to say that again.” 

“No promises.” Kellogg growled, roughly tearing Nick’s pants down lower. He hoisted him up, and Nick took hold of his shoulders of his own accord. “You’re a fuckin’ absolute wreck, Valentine.” 

He closed his mouth, not willing to answer. Whenever Kellogg used his name it sent a shiver through him, right down to the base of his spine where heat pooled like liquid mercury. Nick was still unsure whether he liked it or not. 

“Isn’t that something you always say? ‘Takes one to know one’?” He hissed through his teeth when Kellogg spread his legs wider. 

“Do you always go commando, or only when you know you’re going to see me?” 

Nick’s face burned and he turned away, speaking through gritted teeth. “Why don’t you put a lid on it and keep going?”

“I have half a mind to make you beg for it.” Kellogg wriggled a hand between his legs, and Nick, still all too sensitive, every nerve aflame, moaned. 

“Don’t.” 

“You’re not in any position to be making demands,” Kellogg replied, voice low. His fingers were slick, and Nick couldn't help but react to the cool liquid coating them. 

“What is that?” His back arched when he touched him. 

“Cooking oil. You don’t want it to hurt, right?” 

Something about the way Kellogg said it made his stomach clench, and some distant part of him was curious as to why he was being this considerate. 

“Right.” Nick blinked slowly, focusing on a pinpoint spot behind Kellogg’s head. Somehow this made him feel better than if he was looking down at his face. He chanced a glance at Kellogg’s expression and their eyes caught, holding for a moment before Nick tore away. The point in the wall he was boring into with his eyes was a much better place to let his gaze rest than being forced open, letting Kellogg see just what he was doing to him, letting him see every part of him. 

There was an intimacy there he didn’t want to accept just yet, a trust he was unwilling to grant him. 

The intrusion of Kellogg’s hot fingers plunging into him made Nick gasp loudly, and his back curved away from the overbearing proximity to him. 

Nick clawed at his chest, fingers catching on the rim of his collar as he squeezed it. The stretch wasn’t as bad this time, but he couldn’t help the moan that tumbled from his lips. Nick was sure he could feel his heart pounding, Kellogg’s hand pressed to his chest to hold him steady as he twisted his fingers inside him. Nick’s mouth opened wide in a silent cry when he crooked his finger, massaging the sensitive parts inside of him, and his other hand crept up to his chest, holding Kellogg’s fingers splayed there, heart thundering under his palm. 

“Hold on to me.” Kellogg’s voice was more felt than heard, and Nick listened to the sound of his fly unzipping. He followed his lead, looping an arm around Kellogg’s neck, his other hand still covering his own chest where his heart beat was deafening, roaring in his ears. His hands left Nick’s body for one blinding moment, and he was left feeling more empty than ever before. 

Until,  _ oh _ , he was slick, and so  _ hot _ it burned him up, and  _ pressing _ into him with such little resistance. Nick’s grip tightened on his neck, and the sound he made when he settled against the hard cock was one of desperate want.  

“I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of the noises you make.” He murmured, breathing fast in Nick’s ear. The detective kept his mouth shut, realizing his heart sped up when Kellogg whispered, and he could feel it. “You only make them for me.” 

He rolled his hips against Kellogg’s lap, taking his time and getting used to this new wet heat, body clenching around the thick intrusion. 

Each time he sank into Nick’s body, a faint whine found its way up from his throat, and Nick tore at his collar. They were taking it slow, agonizingly so. Nick was keeping up easily, but he wanted more. Each bounce, the lazy pistoning of their hips was too visceral, too  _ close. _ Nick’s chest felt tight when he found himself looking back at Kellogg after watching their bodies meet. 

Kellogg’s fingers traveled up the length of his throat and he closed his eyes, expecting him to crush his fist around it, but when he didn’t Nick turned his head away. The tightness in his chest crescendoed to a solid ache, and his eyes snapped open. 

“ _ Don’t. Please _ .” Nick hated how his voice quavered, the pain in his chest feeling like his heart was going to burst. It was too much. He hated it, eyes clenching tight as he tried to steady his breathing. Nick’s body was trembling, hips quaking with pleasure. 

His hand was tracing the bruise he left behind. Nick was sure he was, by the way his touch was lingering where the buckle dug into his skin. Kellogg’s knuckle pushed down against the bruise and the resulting throb of pain was something he needed more than anything else. A keening whine escaped his lips and Nick grasped at his collar tighter. 

“Is that begging?” Kellogg gripped his erection, hand oiled, and started to stroke him, palm sliding down the length of him each time Nick lifted off his cock.  

“No.” The word left Nick’s lips in a rush, exhaled as he held onto him tighter. He groaned, driving down against him, needing more from him. 

Kellogg lifted his knees, spreading Nick’s legs wider. He hooked them over his shoulders, ankles crossed behind his head. The angle of his legs made the muscles strain, but the hurt was good. Nick clutched at his shoulders, hands up right next to his knees. They moved together, bodies meeting with a moist sound. Nick was already so close, body drawn up toward Kellogg’s. His hands were firmly clasping the sides of Nick’s hips, pounding upward. He laced his hands behind Kellogg’s head, holding onto him as he bounced, erection red and swollen with sensitivity. 

His hand caught around Nick’s cock, and he smoothed his palm over the dripping head. Nick whined louder, head cocked back as he moved toward him. The desire in his gut uncoiled, a fire in its own right, as Kellogg rammed him over again, his fingers speeding up where they stroked him. 

The feeling of guiding their pleasure, being the one to move against the immovable force, getting him deeper every time, was inescapable; Nick pushed that thought from his mind, ignoring how it fanned the pain in his chest. 

“Did you dream about this?” Kellogg’s voice was low, just a breath against his ear. He’d bowed his head close to Nick’s. “Did you imagine this  _ confrontation _ going the way it has?” 

He turned, as if he wasn’t listening to the arousal in his voice, the way Kellogg exhaled with his words, a groan underneath it all.

“I’m trying not to think about it.” His chest tightened when he spoke, mouth open in a silent cry. 

“The same way you try not to think about a lot of things?” His mouth was pressed to the pulse point at his neck, where he could feel his heart thundering. Kellogg’s teeth scraped against his skin, leaving it raw and red. The sting made him moan louder. 

Nick lifted his gaze, breath coming in hard, noting how Kellogg hadn’t looked up at him. “I take it you do.” 

He held his breath, expecting an answer, but none came. His arms tightened around Nick’s back, and Kellogg drew him tighter against him. Nick pressed his nose into the crook of Kellogg’s neck, inhaling the smell of dirt and sweat and smoke and leather, and absurdly enough, it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t sure why, but the pain in his chest lessened, and he closed his eyes against the sensation. Nick’s blunt nails scratched at his neck, and he was sure he was going to leave marks. That was good. It was something to even it out; Kellogg left marks more than once, and now he clawed down his back and neck, leaving lines to show he was here. 

His breathing was coming in shaky, the pain in his chest welling up and threatening to spill. As he urgently willed his breath to steady, Nick held on tighter, the heat in his belly rising up and filling him from head to toe. He was so close, right on the edge of coming. Kellogg’s hips snapped up hard against his ass, and he all but broke right there. Nick’s nails punched through his leather coat’s collar, leaving a huge hole. The sensation turned his stomach but he held on tighter. Kellogg had to have noticed, but he didn’t say anything, the movement of his hips too distracting. Nick arched upward, unable to take it any longer. He crowed out a sharp cry and came, body sagging where he was held. 

“Let go of me.” His voice wavered, and he swallowed around it, clearing his throat, before repeating himself. “Let go.” 

Kellogg released him and Nick winced, leaning back. He wiped at his face with the fleshy heel of his hand, pulling his hand away and realizing his hand was wet. He reached out and grabbed Nick’s wrist, but he jerked away. “Don’t.” 

He sneered, looking him up and down. “Didn’t think you could cry. Was it that good?” 

Nick didn’t answer, wiping the remnants of wet from his face. “You didn’t finish.” 

“Kind of hard to when you’re tearing up my jacket.” Kellogg twisted his expression, and Nick frowned. “Are you done here?” 

His knees were screaming, and Nick flexed his legs, pulling them down to rest, his feet dragging along the floor. “Can’t honestly leave you wanting, can I?” Nick reached a slow hand to Kellogg’s cock, still slick and sensitive. He arched his hips up toward Nick’s touch, and exhaled slow. 

“Fuck, you’re still not satisfied?” Kellogg bit back a groan, as his fingers sped up.

Nick met his gaze, brow still furrowed as he slid down the path of his legs, and took his cock into his mouth. 

He swore out loud, grabbing hold of Nick’s head as he rocked his hips toward his face. He almost gagged, moving his mouth with him. Nick’s fingers spread along the length of his hips, guiding his thrusts. Kellogg’s head rolled back as he pushed his pelvis against him. 

“You’re good at this. You do this a lot back in the day?” 

Nick glanced up at him over the bridge of his nose, meeting his gaze. Kellogg groaned as he watched him tease the head of his cock with his tongue. The faintest of smirks crossed his lips, and Nick ground the edge of his molar down against the head. He bit back a shout and rammed his hips forward, coming hard. Nick choked, pulling back and spitting it out. Drool and come dribbled down his chin and he scrubbed at it with the back of his hand. 

Kellogg let out a breathless laugh. “That’s a good look for you.” 

Nick leaned back to look at him, mouth open. His lips were swollen. The pain in his chest was back, like a hole needed to be filled and the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. “Kiss me again before I leave.” 

“You’re not leaving so soon.” Kellogg tucked himself back into his pants, a hand in Nick’s hair. He smoothed it through the short style, mussing it. Nick made a face, the sensation of blunt nails scratching through his hair too much for him in such a short time. 

“Do you expect me to stay after all this?” Nick stood, legs wobbly from the position they were stuck in. He gripped the arms of the chair to keep balance. “I can’t stand being around you.” He adjusted his pants, frowning. “Where’s my shirt?” 

Kellogg picked it up, taking a look at it where it had been discarded. “Got someone waiting for you at home?” His fingers were tracing along the line of a stitch where he had gotten it torn by a deathclaw with Nora, and Ellie had fixed it up with neat little lines. 

“Does that matter?” He took a tentative step toward Kellogg, wondering why he needed to know. 

“Didn’t take you for the kind of guy to mend his own clothes. Your lady friend gonna wonder where you are?” 

“No.” Nick spoke too soon, and his eyebrows shot up. 

“How about it then, flatfoot?” Kellogg pulled a cigarette from Nick’s coat pocket from where his coat was draped over his chair. He flicked the gold plated lighter open and lifted it to the cigarette between his lips, and took a drag, the cherry glowing red in the gloom. “Gonna let me talk to you for a little longer?” 

Nick worked his mouth, thinking it over. “You’re asking if I want to stay?” 

“I didn’t think either of us were going to be sleeping much anyway once you left.” He gave Nick a dark look, and he shifted where he stood, a flare of confused arousal making his face color, the corners of his lips curling up. 

“Speak for yourself.” Nick took the cigarette from his lips and took a long drag, before putting it out in the ashtray. He took a step, foot placed perfectly between Kellogg’s legs as he drawled his way closer, before snatching the shirt back and slipping it on over his head, messily redoing the buttons. He moved to back up away from his reach but never got that far. 

Kellogg swept him closer before he could react, both arms around his waist like a bear hug. “Don’t leave me alone tonight.”

Nick put his hands on the edge of his forearms, not able to pull away. With dawning understanding he knew:  “It’s Jenny, isn’t it.” 

“I hear her sometimes.” Kellogg’s grip slackened only a fraction. “Liquor doesn’t help - don’t you think I tried?” 

Nick searched his expression. Nothing lent him the idea that Kellogg was lying. Something about the sincerity in his voice was disconcerting. He didn’t know if he wanted to see this part of him. “What does she say?” 

“It’s memories. Flashes of them.” Kellogg let go of him on one side, running a hand along the side of his head, not even trying to hold Nick’s gaze. Nick thought he recognized the action. “Your memories, or mine.  _ Sometimes _ . Sometimes she’s married to me and we’re in my old home, back in San Fran, when there’s no reason for Jenny to be there. Sometimes it’s.. her death. You got to see her one last time before she died. You got to say goodbye.” He sighed, and it was the most vulnerable Nick had ever seen him. “I envy that.” 

Nick took a breath and held it, bristling when he looked up at Kellogg again. “You don’t deserve to see her like that. Not after everything you’ve done.” 

He frowned, hand coming to rest on Nick’s shoulder, squeezing. “I can’t exactly stop it, pal.” 

“That isn’t my problem.” Nick shrugged his touch away, wishing he could just break free of his grip, instantly regretting his words as soon as they were out of his mouth. “I’m not staying. This was your fault to begin with.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's actually the longest, and I cried when I looked at the character count. Please let me know if you like my hard work! Comments and kudos please!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY HERE HAVE SOME KELLOGG GETTING PLOWED BY A SYNTH

Kellogg’s arms tightened around his middle, hard enough he heard his back pop in several places. His ribs ached, and behind that the swelling pain in his chest was making it hard to breathe, or maybe that was the press of Kellogg’s body against his own. 

Nick winced. “You’re hurting me.” 

“I thought that’s what you keep doing this for. You like it when I hurt you.” His grip let up only a little; and Nick knew somewhere deep down that if he truly didn’t want to stay, Kellogg wouldn’t force him. Something about that caused a twist of pain in his gut, shooting up to his heart. 

“No.” He stared at him, gold eyes searching Kellogg’s expression. “Not like this.” His eyes followed the line of Kellogg’s mouth, watching his mouth work, trying to find the right words to say. 

“Not when it’s more than just your ass on the line.” He spoke flatly, and there was something in the way his mouth twitched down that Nick recognized. “You want control.” 

Nick’s brow furrowed. “When you say it like that..” 

“No, I get you. I get your type.” Kellogg’s attention snapped back to his face, and there was a dark look Nick didn’t like crossing his expression. “Everything’s gotta be compartmentalized, but that’s not how it works. Things bleed over, get mixed up. You have to account for everything.” He took a step back, forcing his hands down from Nick’s waist. “I know that as well as  _ you _ know that. Or at least you should.” There was something akin to pain in his voice. “Jenny didn’t die for you to pretend that it never happened.”

Nick couldn’t ignore the hurt that spread across his expression, shocked at what he was hearing and he balled up his fists. Nails cutting into his palms, Nick drew his fist back and socked him right in the face. 

Kellogg swore, his hand up and dabbing at the bloody mess that was his nose. “I was expecting that a lot sooner.” 

“You deserve a lot more than that. I could kill you right now because of what you said.” 

“You’re not going to.” He sniffed, pinching his nose and tilting his head back. “Fuck, I think you broke my nose.” 

Nick huffed, staring. “I honestly should break more than just your nose.” 

Kellogg looked over at him from the corner of his eye, wiping at the blood gushing from his face with the heels of his hands, watching it soak into his gloves. “Hit me again then.” He shifted on the balls of his feet, ready for a fight. He knew Nick wouldn’t be able to hurt him as much as he wanted to. “Come on. Try and kill me.” 

He knocked him down with another solid punch to the gut and straddled his waist, pummeling him, his hands getting more sore with each blow. Kellogg started to get hard beneath him. He was getting off to this.

"Oh, now the tables have turned." Kellogg looked up at him, a bloody grin plastered along his cheeks, legs spread. The beginnings of a black eye was starting to bloom, his lip fat. "Gonna fuck me?" 

Nick groaned, arousal growing at the base of his spine and between his legs. This was his plan all along, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, see, I didn’t think you had the balls to do it.” He cocked an eyebrow, laughing as he spluttered through a bloody lip.

“Shut up.” Nick’s teeth were gritted as he shoved Kellogg hard down against the floor, slamming his back. 

He grabbed a fistful of Nick’s hair, dragging him in closer. Their mouths met, an aggressive biting mess, and Nick tasted blood in his mouth as Kellogg’s tongue scraped against his own. He was sure it wasn’t his. 

A heat was building in his gut he faintly recognized as anger, but it felt distant, far away. “You want this?” Nick heaved his legs up, moving in closer, their bodies pressed together, his mouth on Kellogg’s. “You got it. You got  _ me _ .” 

The blood was dripping down the corner of Kellogg’s mouth and he lifted his free hand to wipe it away, but Nick caught his wrist before he could put it back down. Nick held his arm down, squeezing his wrist tight as he loomed over him. Kellogg’s fingers threaded through the hair on the side of Nick’s head, lingering somewhere behind his ear. There was something about it that led Nick to lean into his touch, palm warm against his cheek. 

He relaxed for a moment, eyes closed, before he came to his senses, staring at him. “Is this what you want?” 

Kellogg didn’t answer, running a hand through Nick’s hair, and Nick cast a look down at where their hips met. His thighs shifted, pressing closer to Kellogg’s ass. He tilted his head back, meeting Nick’s face, their bodies parallel. “If someone told me a year ago I’d be getting plowed by a synth I think I would have laughed my ass off.” 

“Would that be before or after you shot them?” Nick added, tearing Kellogg’s pants down around his thighs with his free hand, working his legs open. 

Kellogg exhaled, rolling his hips back against the top of Nick’s thighs. “Never done this before, I take it.” 

“You’re going to be taking it.” Nick spoke through gritted teeth, popping open the bottle of cooking oil and slicking his cock with a few short strokes. 

“Clearly.” Kellogg drew Nick’s face up close to his by a fistful of hair, making sure he maintained eye contact as the detective shoved closer, before propelling himself forward, sinking into him with some difficulty with a jerk of his hips. Nick’s eyelids fluttered as his face flushed hotter, mouth open in a silent groan. Kellogg supplied the noise, his voice picking up as he tilted his head back. Nick’s mouth bumped down toward his, almost touching but not quite, as he rolled his hips, picking up a sloppy rhythm. Kellogg’s eyes flicked down toward his slack lips and then back up to his eyes and Nick felt a stirring somewhere in his chest that led him to crush their mouths together. His mouth was still so hot, burning through Nick, as he ran his tongue along the sharp edges of Kellogg’s teeth. Nick grasped at the back of his head, taking Kellogg’s bottom lip into his mouth, and biting down hard. The taste of blood gushed into his mouth and Nick rammed him harder. Kellogg pressed their foreheads together as he looked to Nick’s face. He opened his eyes slow, raising his gaze to Kellogg’s as he held him close. 

Something akin to pain jolted through his chest, a bolt of lightning tearing through his heart at the meeting of their eyes, leaving an aching trail in its wake. Nick’s breathing picked up as he rocked his hips down against Kellogg’s body as he pushed back toward each thrust, meeting him halfway, their bodies moving in sync. 

Kellogg groaned, panting hard, breathing through his nose as Nick rolled his head back along his shoulders, fighting to maintain control and not lose himself to the sensation, plunging into him. His rhythm was lost, as Nick bowed his head, pistoning his hips as he drew closer to the edge, almost there, heat building, the tense coiling of his gut, until he drove down hard and came with a groan that ripped through him. Kellogg took hold of his shoulders, arm grasping at his back like a lifeline, squeezing hard as he came. Nick could feel the muscles of his arm against his back, and something about that aroused him further. He clutched Nick close against the hard muscles of his chest and Nick caught his mouth with his own, plundering the wet heat with his tongue, drawing Kellogg’s tongue into his mouth, tilting his head to the side. 

Kellogg broke the kiss first, mouth wet, a trail of bloody saliva linking their lips together. He was panting, chest heaving hard as he loosened his grip, arms no longer flexed. His fingers detangled themselves from Nick’s hair, following the line of his jaw. His brow furrowed and he let his hand drop. With a wet sniff he spoke, “Get off.” 

Nick pulled out, body sticky with sweat. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling the sore part of his scalp where Kellogg was pulling it and sat back, straightening out his legs. “Are you satisfied?” 

"Not particularly." Kellogg sucked at his teeth, mouth still bloody as he spit onto the ground. "Not the best lay I've ever had."

"Next time I'll be more receptive." Nick added dryly, casting a look at him. 

Kellogg winced, leaning up toward him. "Changed your mind about going?" 

Nick swept a palm across his face, wiping his mouth. "You want me to stay, to  _ help _ you, am I right on the nose?" 

"You say it like you don't get it." 

"I don't  _ get _ it. Your thoughts are stolen from me - your feelings were taken." Nick tucked himself back into his trousers, doing up his fly without looking up at him. "I don't care what you think you feel for Jenny, she.. she's dead now, and nothing will bring her back." 

Kellogg pressed his lips together hard enough to sting, looking like he wanted to say something but couldn't bring himself to. "I know. Killing the man who destroyed her isn't going to help you." He sounded resigned, as if this was a lesson he had to learn through pain. "Once he's dead, you'll be nothing, you'll  _ have _ nothing. Revenge was your only reason for living." 

"That's how it was for you." Nick muttered, and turned to him. "You couldn't bother to help people. Cash is the only thing you seem to understand." 

"Here's another point where you and I differ, Valentine. You're a bleeding heart sap, and I'm pragmatic. Money is money." Kellogg's face curled into a grimace, wiping the inside of his thighs with a dirty towel. 

Nick's attention was called to the shape of his thighs. He'd never noticed how the muscle stood out before. Kellogg made note of how he was looking. "Like something you see?"

"No." Nick's face colored. 

Kellogg watched him from over his shoulder, grinning as he tossed the filthy towel to the ground. "Right. For a detective, you're too obvious."

"I didn't realize I was doing anything  _ obvious _ ." Nick took a breath, suddenly thirsty for a stiff drink. Kellogg considered his words for a second before standing, adjusting his belt. 

He took a step back, digging through his things to find something. With a triumphant sound and the rattle of a screw bottle opening, Kellogg approached, and Nick looked over. He had a mostly full bottle of bourbon in his hand. "Thought you could use a drink." 

Nick studied the outstretched bottle, before taking it and lifting it to his lips. He took a big swallow and it burned going down, something he guessed this body wasn't used to. Putting the thought of how Kellogg knew just what he needed out of his head, Nick lifted the neck to his lips again. The hooch warmed his belly, and Nick passed it back. "Saving that for this occasion?" He wiped his lips with the back of his hand. 

"No. Figured I'd need it if you left."

Nick turned his head, avoiding eye contact. "Why do you think having me around is going to help?" 

"I don't know," Kellogg spoke in a measured tone of voice. "But it's helping somebody out - something a good guy like you would jump at the chance for." 

"That somebody is you." 

"So it is. You got a rule against helping people you killed?" 

Nick opened his mouth to point out no one he killed ever came back but the words died on his tongue, leaving a bad taste in his mouth. "No." 

Kellogg offered the bottle to him again and Nick swiped it out of his hands, gulping it down like nothing. The alcohol went straight to his head, and Nick felt hot all of a sudden. A second later he noticed something as Kellogg pulled up a chair. He was limping. 

"You'd probably want to sit first." Nick spoke up, loosening his collar and rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. 

"I can live with it. Not the first time." Kellogg waved a hand at him dismissively, going through the motions of obsessively checking the locks on his door and making sure it would never be openable from the outside. He'd had it replaced, several, at least six, large deadbolts holding the door sealed to the rest of the city. 

"Afraid somebody's gonna break in after me?" Nick cocked an eyebrow, amused at the overkill. 

"No. I.." Kellogg hesitated, not looking at him. He was checking the locks again, twisting each of them in place each time. "You can never be too careful." 

Realization dawned. "How many locks did you have on your door in San Francisco?" 

"Two." Kellogg stiffened, a hand on one of the locks he'd been checking again. "It wasn't enough."

"There aren't any raiders in Diamond City." Nick answered, watching as he had started over checking the locks after he'd been interrupted. 

"There weren't supposed to be any raiders in San Fran either." 

Nick turned to look at him, the bottle halfway to his lips again. "Are you saying the raiders that killed your family were let into a safe settlement on the pretense that they weren't raiders?" 

"No, I'm saying someone on the inside let the raiders in specifically to do some damage to us with less collateral damage than if someone else took out the hit." He stuck out his hand, snatching the bottle up when Nick gave it back. Kellogg swallowed fast, finishing off a quarter of the bottle in a few short gulps. He sighed, closing it with a few clicks of the screw cap and tossing it onto the chair cushion when Nick declined more. "Nobody bats an eye when raiders are shot dead. Less chance of squealing - telling some authority about plans to kill people." 

"Smart." 

Kellogg looked him over, fingers twitching at his sides. "Raiders are good at one thing. Slaughter." 

He walked past him, standing up too straight. "Jenny was never fucked with a knife, or had a pool cue put so far up inside her it had torn through everything. They _suffered_ for a while before they died." His voice had taken a turn for emotional; from where Nick sat he could tell he was shaking. Was that what the liquor did to him? "Mary didn't deserve any of that.  _ Sarah _ didn't deserve any of that." Kellogg was staring at an unlit lantern by the stairs, voice coming in hard. "You were lucky. You were there with her. I..." he sighed, pausing on the stairs. "I came home to that." 

"I know." Nick's own voice was rough, sounding unused, surprising himself with how hoarse he sounded. "She didn't deserve anything you brought down on her and the child."

"She was too good for me. Both of them were. That's one thing I'll agree on." Kellogg's hand rested on the wall, fingers following tracks it looked like he left before. His limp wasn't as bad now. Nick guessed the alcohol numbed him. 

"Do you want me up there with you or should I stay here?" 

Kellogg gestured for him to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently the pairing name is called Painful Intimacy now. This chapter is really heavy on the headcanons, so yeah there's that. Please read, leave comments and kudos. Let me know how you liked this chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

“Is that something you do every night?” Nick was staring into space, not wanting to see just how torn down Kellogg was, how vulnerable he was here, alone with him. His fingers were resting on the wall, still lingering at the top of the stairs. A small closed off part of himself clenched, heart aching, as he matched the worn down trails going horizontal along the wall up the stairs where Kellogg had to have dragged his hand countless times before with his fingers. 

“Does that matter?” Kellogg lit a candle set on the table, half buried by its own wax. “I didn’t like spending time here as it were.” He took a step in Nick’s direction, one Nick didn’t notice, the shallow flickering of the flame holding his attention. 

“Makes you think of Shaun?”

The question took him aback, and Kellogg cocked his head to the side, his expression one of perplexment. “Lived here a while with him here. Got used to the kid being underfoot.” He shook his head. “Feels empty by myself.” 

Nick’s eyes shifted toward Kellogg’s outline without a blink, and his head didn't follow. “I wouldn’t know what that’s like.” 

“Mm, that’s right, you have your lady friend.” A toothy smirk crossed Kellogg’s lips, still swollen where Nick punched him. 

“She’s not anything like that.” Nick added, his gaze sliding over Kellogg’s expression in disgust. “Ellie’s a friend. Just a friend.” 

“Just a friend, huh.” Kellogg echoed, and shifted where he was standing, shrugging out of his armor. The buckles glistened in the dim glow of the candlelight, before they hit the ground with a metallic jingle. “I trust you’re not going to kill me while I sleep.” 

Nick flexed his fingers, adding a barbed remark, “And give up this thing we have going?”

The venomous addition took him by surprise. “You say that so much, somebody’s gonna take you seriously.” Kellogg peeled his jacket off, cream colored shirt almost glowing in the gloom. 

“I’m here, aren’t I?” He turned to follow the line of his shoulders, muscles flexing beneath the thin fabric. “If I didn’t want to be here, I would have left hours ago.” 

“What are you saying?” He crossed the small loft in a matter of seconds, palm flat against the wall next to Nick’s head. Kellogg leaned in, the low growl of his voice threatening in the close space between them. 

“Means I’m--” Nick’s head lifted, falling back against the wall, words cut short. His eyes found Kellogg’s, gold settling on the twin glance of his brown eyes. His hands crept up Kellogg’s chest, pausing at the triangle of skin bared from his open collar, his shadow looming over Nick, the detective thrown into darkness where Kellogg blocked the candlelight with his body. He opened his mouth to finish his thought but the words wouldn’t come. Nick lowered his gaze, fingers grazing the edge above the button clasp. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

Kellogg watched, fascinated, as Nick worked the buttons of his shirt open, revealing more bare skin, dusted with dark hair, skin looking almost like patchwork where the cybernetic enhancements had been reintroduced to his system, grafted to a new host body. His muscles stood out behind the too pale skin, and Nick’s hand slipped lower, coming to rest at his hip. “Distracted?” He breathed, feeling both of Nick’s hands close around to his back, stopping somewhere around his shoulder blades. 

Nick cleared his throat, face already so hot. He was sure that was from the liquor, but even so, the heat from Kellogg’s body so close to his was maddening. He pulled him close, their chests touching. His hips canted toward the body angled between his legs, and Kellogg clasped him closer, squeezing Nick against the wall. The added weight wasn’t unwelcome, as Nick’s fingernails scraped their way against his shoulders. He exhaled, mouth open, as Kellogg’s hand traced up his tense jaw. 

Nick’s gold eyes followed Kellogg’s gaze and he felt a wave of warmth spread down his spine, into his belly at their proximity. “Were you always like this?” He touched one of the spots near Kellogg’s spine, a raw looking square around three centimeters across, where a cybernetic enhancement was held snugly under his skin. “All these.. frankenstein bits sticking out all over..?” 

“ _ Don’t _ .” 

Nick almost drew back, startled by the sound of fear in his voice. It came out like a snarl, words hissed right in his ear. Arousal fluttered somewhere below his heart, and Nick took a moment to press his warm palm to the spot, feeling the ridges and bumps of the small metal box linked to his spinal cord. Kellogg squirmed under his touch, ropy muscle twitching and flexing where his hand lay. “You’re one to talk. Before they stuffed you in this new body, you had enough pieces missing to build a whole second you.” 

“You destroyed me, you’re the reason I’m even in this new body.” He turned his head, mouth just above Kellogg’s pulse point. He could smell the smoke and bourbon on him.

“I never said I hated it.” 

Nick closed his mouth, eyes heavily lidded as he peered out from under his eyelashes. “Then what?”    
Kellogg opened his mouth to respond, before closing his mouth again. His free hand closed around Nick’s throat, lifting his chin. “I can’t hate anything anymore. There’s nothing left in me that could even do that. I’m finished with that.” 

Nick’s brow furrowed and he snapped; “Nora hates you, she would kill you over and over again if she could.” 

“Would  _ you _ ?” 

He clammed up, lips pressed together tight. “I would have done it already.” 

“That’s what I thought.” Kellogg pressed their mouths together, prying his lips open and delving deeper into his mouth with his tongue. “It’s not hate that brings you back every time, is it?” He was breathing hard, their faces close. 

“Every time I look at you, I remember how much you’ve hurt Nora, and I..” He paused, mouth grazing Kellogg’s lips. “I hate you, because of it.” 

“Mmhm.” He crushed Nick closer to the wall, hoisting him up balanced on his thighs and kissed him again. Nick hooked his ankles around Kellogg’s waist, holding himself up by the arms around Kellogg’s back. “I’m not even hurt. Last time I met someone who didn’t hate me was,” He stopped to think about it, breath hot as he captured his mouth again. “Your friend’s son. He was a good kid, and he grew up without people like me, and like  _ Nora _ , around him.” 

“She’d make a good mother, I know she would.” Nick countered, licking his lips and catching the sour taste of liquor from Kellogg’s mouth. 

“She got her chance. You know she joined the Institute.” 

All the air was sucked from Nick’s lungs and he felt cold all over. “The Institute had Shaun all along?” 

“He’s running the show now.” Kellogg answered, mouth brushing the edge of Nick’s jaw, noting how wan Nick had become at once. “Thought he despised me. Guess I’m too valuable a resource to let go like that.” 

“Oh,” Nick breathed, having trouble keeping everything inside. He didn’t want Kellogg to see him like this. He knew now this was why she sent him away. Nick’s breathing hitched and he squeezed Kellogg’s shoulders tight enough to grate the bones together. 

“Fuck, this is really beating you up.” Kellogg spoke, in disbelief. 

Nick’s legs dropped from around his waist, and he struggled to keep standing, back against the wall. “How could she just abandon everyone like that? Everyone was counting on her, and for what, she ends up dropping everything because her son’s in charge?” 

Kellogg crossed his arms over his chest. “People like us don’t fit into the Institute’s idea of a perfect world. I used to think it would do some good, so no one else dies like my family did, but it’s a bullshit dream. What’s the point if it wouldn’t bring them back?” 

Nick stiffened, turning his head away as he listened to him. 

“The last thing the self-righteous pricks said to me before they turned me loose on the wasteland was something about having someone new to do their dirty work. Fifty caps says it’s your girl.” 

He took a breath and held it for a long moment. “They threw you out when you stopped being useful.”

“Sound familiar?” Kellogg had him pressed to the wall again. Nick’s fingers curled around the sides of Kellogg’s lapels, holding his gaze with some difficulty. “The way I see it, they figured they’d need me again up until  _ Nora _ showed up, guns blazing. The kid gave ‘em the all clear to toss me when she wasn’t deemed a threat, and here I am now.” 

He reached out to touch a spot on Kellogg’s chest that rose and fell with his breathing, a curved scar that still shone raw and healing, up along his ribs. Healing stitch marks dotted either side of the wound. “Was this here their doing?” A part of him wanted to know if Kellogg hated the Institute for doing so much harm to him too. 

Kellogg hissed through his teeth, sucking in a breath. The muscles under Nick’s hand quivered. “No. Stitched this up myself after some fucked up raider thought I was easy pickings outside of the Combat Zone on my way back here.” 

“You didn’t need to come back. There’s nothing for you here.” Nick turned away. “The Institute threw you out like some kind of garbage.” 

“Same went for you,” Kellogg spat his direction, words caustic. “But you’re here, same as I am.” 

He looked up, expression flashing darkly. “This city is my  _ home _ . I can’t just leave the way you do.” 

“I’m not leaving, Valentine.” Kellogg’s hand curved around his waist, squeezing and drawing him closer. “I’m sick of running. If the Institute wants me dead then I’ll face them the way I faced Nora.” 

“Don’t say her name like that. You don’t know her as well as I do.” Nick pressed his palms to Kellogg’s chest, staring at his face. His lip curled, and the anger rising in him was a foreign feeling, filling him with an energy he didn’t want to like, but it felt so good. “You don’t know anything about her, everything she went through, just to find Shaun.” His hands hit Kellogg’s chest, feeling like he was punching a brick wall. 

Kellogg took his wrists in his hands, slamming them up against the wall. “Why do you care? She doesn’t give a shit about you, she only put you in this new body so she didn’t feel bad for letting you get fucked the way you were.” His mouth was near Nick’s, curled in an angry snarl. Kellogg’s voice dropped low, making Nick’s legs tremble. “Where do you think she got this extra synth body from?” 

Nick’s eyes widened and he stared straight ahead, searching Kellogg’s expression, hoping beyond hope he would find evidence of a lie. “Doctor Amari would never let them do that.” 

“That doesn’t matter.” He forced Nick back against the wall harder, and the detective struggled to remain standing, heels barely scraping the floor where Kellogg’s thighs prevented him from keeping his feet on the ground. 

All of his weight hung from his arms where they were being crushed against the wall, and Nick shifted his hips to relieve the ache in his shoulders. His mouth opened in a gentle oh, and he was trying to maintain his breathing. 

“What do you get out of telling me this?” Nick’s leg hooked around the top of Kellogg’s ass, his other knee curved up closer to his body. Kellogg shifted, pressing closer. He released Nick’s wrists, instead holding them trapped beneath his forearm, hands sagging forward. The ache in his shoulders was lessened when Kellogg took hold of his bent leg, spreading his thighs apart further, leaving Nick balanced against his leg. 

“Your girl isn’t as nice as you think she is.” He curved his hand around Nick’s thigh, jerking his legs open, getting his fingers hooked around Nick’s knee. He was hard, the tent in his pants pressing insistently against the seam. Nick groaned as he was squashed against the wall, the strain of his erection against his groin supplying a delicious friction that he couldn’t help but react to. 

Nick couldn’t bring himself to say the words he wanted to say, swallowing hard, as Kellogg pinned him against the wall. He lifted Nick’s leg, draping the detective’s knee over his shoulder to free up his hand. The stretch of his thigh ached, and his breath was shaky, but he was at Kellogg’s mercy, and a sweet heat was gathering in the pit of his stomach at that thought. 

“She’s still not as bad as you.” He whined, sweat gathering on his brow as Kellogg drew his hand along the edge of Nick’s stomach. He breathed hard, body heaving, as his hand left his sticky skin, before returning down the curve of Nick’s ass, and with a tug, he shoved Nick’s pants past his thighs, gathered up closer to his knees, before Nick kicked them off. His erection sprung upward, flushed and eager for touch, but Kellogg ignored it, jamming their mouths together. Nick arched toward him, rocking his hips against the rough fabric of his pants, his erection catching against Kellogg’s belt. 

He needed more, Kellogg’s touch intoxicating, his body desperate for touch. Kellogg’s fingers crept back around, avoiding his erection with a vengeance, as he bunched up the bottom of Nick’s shirt, getting it up around his chest. He let out a quiet sound as Kellogg’s fingers trailed down his side, before edging past his ass. One finger circled and then sunk into him, and he hissed, clenching around him all at once. 

“O-oh, goodness..” Nick’s voice quaked, hands tightening into fists above his head. 

He was still so slick inside; Kellogg quirked his finger and Nick tossed his head back, fists tensing above him. 

“Shit, the sounds you make, Valentine.” He twisted his finger inside him, sinking it down into him to the last knuckle. Nick turned his head to breathe, dizzy from the attention, his lips swollen from where Kellogg’s teeth cut into them. 

Nick gasped aloud when his fingers left his body, only to be replaced by something bigger and hotter. He wasn’t sure if it was the liquor that heightened the feeling, but it was so much more than he was used to, pleasure pummeling him over and over. His heart was hammering, their bodies pressed together, skin to skin. The friction against his red cock was almost too much at the very start when Kellogg shoved into him, Nick’s back hard against the wall. 

Kellogg pulled back for a moment, granting Nick a second’s respite, feeling empty, before he thrust his hips, and a cry was ripped from Nick’s mouth. He felt so  _ full _ , every inch of him on fire from the no longer unwelcome weight pinning him to the wall, and it was all he could do to keep from falling apart right there, unraveling from the sheer overwhelming pleasure as he tore through him, hips pistoning. His weeping cock was caught between them, and he wished he could touch himself if Kellogg wasn’t going to, the friction driving him crazy. 

Nick was forced back against the wall, head rolling along his shoulders. Kellogg released his wrists, and for a moment Nick was falling, unable to balance. Kellogg thrust at once, and Nick’s hands flew around his neck with a cry. He’d gotten so deep, moving his hips in an unsteady rhythm, and Nick needed him to do that again. 

“To the bed. I need you to move to the bed.” Nick’s mouth was up against his ear, each thrust drawing a new sound from between his lips. 

Kellogg gathered his hips in his hands, biceps tensing as he lifted him. Nick held on with a vice grip before the soft press of his back against the mattress was something he noticed, and then Kellogg’s weight was on Nick again, driving deeper into him. Nick’s leg was bent, caught in Kellogg’s elbow as he moved with him. His hands flew lower, tracing the shape of Kellogg’s muscles, before they delved up his shoulders. Nick started pushing Kellogg’s shirt off, fingernails tracking red lines along his skin. He shrugged out of the constricting fabric, hands all over Nick as he went harder. 

He pulled Kellogg closer, their mouths meeting. He tasted like smoke and the tang of liquor still lingered on his tongue. After his shirt was off, Nick took to his unmarked flesh, leaving bite marks along Kellogg’s shoulders. His heel hooked on the edge of Kellogg’s pants, and he shoved them down without another thought, eager for that skin to skin contact, the sticky heat of their bodies as he arched toward him. Kellogg took hold of his hips, plunging harder into him. He could feel how close Kellogg was, the way his thighs trembled each time he drew closer. Nick met his expression with one of his own, mouth open as he peered up at him. Something about the look on his face bade Nick take him by the arms and mash their mouths together, pressing their bodies close. He let out a shocked groan, so tense already. Nick clutched at his back, feeling the muscles move under his hands. 

Kellogg’s face turned away, and he moaned, words coming with some difficulty. “You have no idea how much I need you.” 

A twinge of an ache blossomed somewhere deep in Nick’s chest, and it spiked down, changing and burning as he was forced headlong over the edge with a sharp cry, body angling up toward Kellogg as he came. The roiling pleasure that built within him released all at once, and Nick barely even acknowledged Kellogg’s tumble over the edge to his climax after him, the way he relaxed against Nick’s heaving chest or the open mouthed kiss he pressed to Nick’s racing jugular. Nick’s hips ached as Kellogg let his leg down, knee still raised. “No. I don’t.” 

He blinked up at the detective, Nick’s words hitting him hard. The detective knew as soon as he said it. He decided perhaps there was a misunderstanding over his motives. “I’m starting to wonder why you stayed.”

“Not because of  _ this _ .” Nick answered, hands traveling down the mercenary’s sides until they came to rest at the apex of his hips before he pulled out of him with a soft groan. Nick’s breath came in hard, and he tried to ignore the empty feeling that remained. He was sore, and sticky, and somehow could not bring himself to just storm out of there. 

“Didn’t consider  _ the way we are now _ included in the  _ helping _ part of the deal?” Kellogg shifted beside him, lying on his side next to him on the narrow mattress Nick closed his eyes, forcing himself to ignore the way Kellogg’s fingertips danced along his side. “Thought that was your primary motivation here.”  

Nick rolled over away from him, wincing at the wet leaking down the back of his thighs. He stiffened when Kellogg’s arm coiled around his waist almost automatically, drawing him in closer. His hands tensed along Kellogg’s forearm when it tightened around his hips, and he felt the steady rise and fall of Kellogg’s solid chest against his back as they lay silently for a few moments, the mercenary’s heart beating loud between his shoulder blades. “Are you trying to get me to admit to something?” 

“Maybe.” A sleepy reply came from somewhere behind his ear, accompanied by the sound of a sigh. 

Nick opened his mouth to say more, words ready to be spit, but he stopped when he realized Kellogg was asleep. He turned in his grip, laying on his back, head turned to face him. Kellogg didn’t stir, breathing regularly. His chest felt funny, tight all of a sudden and Nick’s breath caught in his throat. This was nice, in a way. The quiet. It had been a while since he’d had someone’s arms around him. His thoughts fell unbidden to Nora, and he realized it was just his luck he would keep finding himself involved with the Institute long after his creation and subsequent dumping into the trash. He hoped Nora was happy with her decision, absently wondering if Preston was. 

The last thing Nick saw before his eyes settled closed was Kellogg’s sleeping face, something like fondness flaring up in the pit of his belly. He wasn't sure if he liked this new development or not, the way things had turned out. 


	8. Chapter 8

Nick stirred, at first not realizing where he was, before remembering. Upon discovering the overbearing yet not wholly unwelcome press of Kellogg’s limbs draped over his own was no longer keeping him trapped on the mattress he sat up, suddenly cold all over. He stood, slipping into the closest pair of pants, securing the belt around his waist. Dimly, he noted the trousers weren’t his, as he let his shirt tails hang over the belt. There was sound coming from the floor below, and Nick realized that must have been what woke him up. He crept down the stairs quietly, noticing the familiar outline by the door. 

“The locks aren’t going anywhere. You can relax.” Nick called from the foot of the stairs. Kellogg’s shoulders hunched at the sound of his voice, and he didn’t respond. Nick cleared his throat; he had no idea what else to say to make him feel better. 

“I don’t trust McDonough's security.” His voice was low, gruff. “Overheard some Institute guys comparing notes on him.” Kellogg turned, looking him up and down. 

“You’re not being rational here.” Nick added, hastily backing up the stairs. He managed to get a quarter of the way up, not willing to go up any higher. He didn’t want Kellogg knocking him down against the stairs. “This isn’t what I signed up for.” 

“Not what you signed up for.” Kellogg’s voice was mocking, when he rounded on him, angrily stalking over to the foot of the stairs. Nick had a slight advantage, being a step above him. “You didn’t sign up for a goddamn thing, Valentine.” He grabbed hold of the tops of Nick’s thighs, squeezing hard. Nick tried to back up but couldn’t with the tips of his fingers digging into the flesh of his legs. “You just didn’t know what you were in for, did you? I’m not the fucking nice guy you seem to manage to bring out.” Nick’s hand fell to Kellogg’s shoulder to steady himself, squeezing his shoulder hard to match the press of his fingers against his thighs. In the dark, he could barely make out how Kellogg’s hands were covered in charcoal, leaving black handprints where he gripped him. 

“What were you drawing?” Nick managed to wrench one hand off his leg, lifting it to his line of vision. He watched as Kellogg’s fingers curled into a fist. His knuckles were bloody, and Nick guessed his other hand matched when it closed around the fabric of his pants. Kellogg’s fingers were shaking as his gaze seemed to focus on Nick’s face. 

“Doesn’t matter.” Kellogg pulled his hand back, words acerbic. The look he wore was one Nick had never seen on his face, even when Nora had fought him to the death: It was fear. “Don't ask me about it."

"I take it the picture wasn't of Jenny." 

Kellogg didn't respond, his hand gripping Nick's thigh tighter. "If I told you to leave right now, would you?" 

Nick looked at him, confused. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"Maybe you should. Maybe you should get as far from here as you can. Put as much distance between us as possible." 

Nick's gaze slid upward, stopping at Kellogg's face, as he crossed his arms. "This is a development I didn't anticipate. Are sudden changes of heart something that comes with the territory?"

He didn’t answer, and Nick was sure it was because Kellogg didn’t like the response he gave. Kellogg’s eyes met his, and there was a wide eyed fear in his gaze Nick had never seen in him before, before he blinked and it was gone. Instead, his expression twisted into a cruel leer, and it was as if Nick was looking at an entirely different person.

“Those aren’t your clothes.” Kellogg spoke with a callous smirk upon noticing, pulling Nick in close by the belt. Nick’s hands flew to his bare chest automatically, hips canting toward him by themselves. He busied himself unbuckling the belt and easing the pants down over past Nick’s thighs. 

Nick’s face burned, cool air hitting his bare body. “No, they’re not.” This little exchange, as mundane as it was, sent a feeling of dread through him, as well as a small thrill of arousal. 

“Mmhm.” Kellogg undressed him with a calmness that seemed to disguise the maelstrom Nick knew was lurking just under the surface. Every touch of his fingertips, accidental as they were, was like lightning racing down Nick’s spine. This danger that lingered, a rage simmering under Kellogg’s skin, was intoxicating. Kellogg sank his teeth into Nick’s bared shoulder, the edge of the shirt collar wrenched out of the way, a handful clutched in his fist and it snapped Nick right out of his reverie. 

The detective reared back, body tensing as blood welled from the mark, and Kellogg had him pinned. He groaned, hitting the back of his head against the wall. Nick looked down, the side of his neck stinging as blood dripped down his chest. 

Kellogg would rather have had Nick hate him than _this closeness,_ this tender bullshit. It hurt, a billowing agony that threatened to well up every time he looked at him. “You piece of shit..” Kellogg breathed, mouth up against his pulse point, the blood dripping between them, his hand at the nape of Nick’s neck on the other side. “Look at what you’re doing to me.” His lips left a smear of red just below Nick’s jaw. 

Nick was listening to every word, frozen in place. His hands were caught against Kellogg’s back, looped under his elbows. Kellogg’s fist tightened its hold in his hair and his head was jerked back sideways. He looked down at Kellogg, breathing hard, his mouth caught in a rictus grimace. 

Nick panted, watching him from the corners of his eyes. “If you’re trying to scare me off, it’s not going to work.” 

“I should fucking kill you, leave your body for your girl to find.” Kellogg’s other hand curled around his throat, not even bothering squeezing. Just the contact alone sent a thrum of lust down to the pit of Nick’s belly, and he grew hard right then. 

“You wouldn’t.” Nick murmured, covering Kellogg’s hand on his throat with his own, pushing Kellogg to tighten his grip. “You can’t.” 

Kellogg’s grip fell, hand dropping, still entangled with Nick’s, and that was when Nick knew he was right. He crushed their mouths together, tasting his own blood in Kellogg’s mouth. Somehow that thought alone sent a heat building at the base of his spine, and Nick’s other hand slipped lower, fingers digging into the muscle of Kellogg’s ass as his body arched closer. The mercenary’s hips wedged in between Nick’s thighs, and his muscles tensed under Nick’s touch. Nick was the one to pull back first, breathing hard. “Come back to bed.” 

His shirt was sticking to the bite mark, and he could see red soaked through it in his periphery. It had stopped stinging, feeling like a hot throb running through his shoulder. Each time he moved the twinge of pain sent a ribbon of arousal down his spine, where it had settled, a pooling warmth in his gut. Kellogg let himself be led, before sweeping Nick closer, kissing him again. It was a gentle yielding kiss, where Kellogg could have easily shown aggression, and something about it sent a pinprick of pain to Nick’s heart. His mouth tasted like blood, and Nick was sure there would be char handprints smeared all over him the next morning. Kellogg didn’t pull too far away, only stopping a moment to breathe, before allowing Nick to take hold of his chin, Nick plundering his mouth with his tongue, taking the lead. One hand was clutching the back of Kellogg’s head, as he pulled him close, all of his unspoken words, every emotion he bottled up poured into the meeting of their mouths as he delved closer. 

Nick pulled back first, peering up at him from lowered lashes. A dab of bloody spit remained on his lip, and he wiped it off with the back of his hand. He touched the bite mark, pressing down on the bruised spot until Nick gasped, and his knees felt weak. Nick took hold of Kellogg’s shoulder, leaning against him. He lifted Nick’s face, kissing him again. The detective moaned despite himself, as Kellogg’s thumb probed the wound at his shoulder. His head rolled back on his shoulders and he groaned, as Kellogg dragged his teeth along the other side of his throat, leaving a long red scrape. 

A ragged cry tore its way from Nick’s throat and he shoved Kellogg back toward the bed, before moving to climb onto his waist. He needed him right this second. Kellogg took hold of his hips with one hand, guiding his erection where Nick desperately needed to be filled. He hissed, leaning back as he clenched around the intrusion burning through him like a red hot bullet. Kellogg rolled his hips up toward Nick’s waiting body, both legs bent at the knees on either side of Kellogg’s waist. 

Nick braced his hands against the wall above his head as he ground down against him, forcing his hips snapping down against Kellogg’s body, feeling him deep as he tossed his head back and moaned. He bounced fast, Kellogg’s grip on his waist painfully tight, clasping him with such a ferocity he could feel bruises forming as he pulled Nick down to meet his thrusts each time he lifted his hips, pistoning them up against Nick. His head bowed as he cried out with each sharp movement. Nick’s eyes, heavily lidded, met Kellogg’s. A shit-eating grin carved its way across Kellogg’s face, and the heat that was building in him was too much; Nick’s eyes fell closed and he could barely get out the words out, his tone apathetic: “You’re falling in love with me, aren’t you?” 

Kellogg didn’t stop. Nick almost wished he would, he almost wished that Kellogg would have done anything beside push him down onto his back, silent as the grave as he rose above him. Kellogg hovered over him, hips slowing their pumping, rolling slow and easy between Nick’s bent legs, every inch of him receptive to his heated touch. It was so good, so sweet, so  _ loving _ and Nick hated him for it. He hated how their foreheads touched, Kellogg’s mouth almost on his, as he drove into him, the distance between their bodies still too far. He needed him close, skin to skin. Nick’s hands reached for his face and he granted him that contact, letting Nick reel him in up close, even the meeting of their mouths languid and unhurried. He moaned, hating how Kellogg’s palm skimmed up the inside of his thigh, smearing charcoal like dirt along his leg. He hated how Kellogg’s hand closed around his erection, deliberately smoothing down the dripping length of it like he hadn’t been tearing into him only moments before. His chest felt too tight, like he couldn’t breathe properly, and Nick hated Kellogg for the feeling. It was too much, each lazy roll of his hips as their bodies moved in time drew another ache from the depths of Nick’s chest, his heart beating so loud he was sure Kellogg could hear it as he grunted under his breath with each thrust. He let out a breathless cry, body loose and empty, as if everything drained out of him. Nick’s arms clasped Kellogg’s waist in a death grip. Kellogg’s body was toned, hard, and made for fighting, and something about the lithe shifting of muscle between Nick’s thighs was arousing, a flare of lust rising up at the thought that Kellogg could overpower him led him straight over the edge to his orgasm. He hated how Kellogg wasn’t even trying, he hated how he wanted to fight him, to be able to say he tried to stop him, when he so desperately  _ needed _ the opposite. Nick needed Kellogg and that disgusted him. 

Kellogg lifted his head, looking down at Nick’s face when he felt the clench of his body beneath him. He met Kellogg’s expression with a wavering gaze, reluctant to even focus on him. Nick touched his lips with his fingertips and Kellogg closed his eyes, ramming into him with a shout as he came. A shallow whine escaped his lips at the feeling of his insides filling with a white hot liquid heat, something he didn’t think he would have enjoyed as much as he did, and Nick held onto Kellogg limply, head turned to the side as he winced when the mercenary withdrew. 

“You didn’t answer.” Nick exhaled, letting a hand drop to his side. Kellogg swept an arm down the length of his side with a sigh and he closed his hand into a fist at Kellogg’s back. 

“What do you want me to say?” He sat back, dirty gray fingers trailing along the line of Nick’s hips, as if he was memorizing the planes of Nick’s body. Nick pressed his lips in a hard line, biting his tongue to keep from speaking his mind. He wanted Kellogg to tell him no, for him to tell him it was all a lie, that all of it was meaningless. He would have been able to deal with that instead of the mess he had fallen headfirst into. 

“For starters,” Nick began, sitting up on his elbows, feeling sticky and sore and disgusting. “I thought you would have stopped when I asked.” 

Kellogg settled back, arms crossed over his chest. “And I didn’t.” 

“No.” He answered simply, not looking at him. Nick’s gaze was boring into the wall across from him. He was forcing his look elsewhere, his eyes burning. “ You.. you were gentle." 

"Yeah." Kellogg picked up a smashed carton of cigarettes, sliding one beat up stick out. He lit it, staring at the cherry on the end for a long few seconds before taking a slow drag. He offered the box to Nick who didn't even look his direction. "That so much a surprise, pal?"

Nick's fingers worked automatically, lifting a cigarette to his lips and lighting it in a practiced, fluid motion. He savored the first drag, the urge to cough not as strong as it was at first. Nick's eyes settled closed and he let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. 

"For a man like you? - Yes!"

He wanted it rough, marks dotting his body. Nick wanted it to hurt. He paused when he realized he said that last part out loud.

"Yeah, you want rough?" Kellogg called from right in front of him and moved closer. He could feel his presence, overwhelming in its closeness. His voice was a rumble, more felt than heard, when he approached, moving in close. His hot breath sent goosebumps rising over his bared skin. “I can do that.” 

Nick shivered, a searing pain picking up at his shoulder. He looked and Kellogg was putting his cigarette out on his skin. A strangled moan burst from his lips and he realized Kellogg was putting it out against the bite he left. His arm wrapped around Nick’s middle, yanking him closer with a breath. Nick shifted, back against the hard muscle of his stomach, feeling awkward as his head tilted to the side, allowing him purchase as Kellogg flattened the butt against Nick’s shoulder. The blistering sting was so good, and Nick groaned, body tensing. His mouth latched onto the burn, Kellogg’s tongue rasping along the wound. He whined, legs flexing as they extended in front of him. It hurt, but it was the kind of hurt he wanted more of, instead of the emotional agony that threatened to close around him like a steel trap every time Kellogg looked at him with anything below animosity. 

Kellogg’s arm slipped lower and his breath caught when his hand smoothed along the length of Nick’s cock, drawing him to hardness. Nick’s mouth fell open and he moaned, a hand coming up to rest on the side of Kellogg’s head as he kneaded the stinging wound with his tongue, letting him take what he wanted, leaving Nick a writhing mess. His head came back to rest against Kellogg’s shoulder and he glanced over at the mercenary, panting loudly in the quiet of the room. A quirk of his lips upward, giving the detective a teasing smirk, and Nick’s orgasm hit him hard. His fingers scraped through the shorn short hair on the back of Kellogg’s head, grasping for something to hold onto as he came. Kellogg tilted his chin up as he seized his mouth with his own, biting his lips until they bled. Nick knew he was a wreck, it didn’t even cross his mind that he wasn’t. He hated Kellogg and he hated himself for wanting him. He hated how Kellogg could elicit such desperate cries from him, how he gave himself over to every single scorching touch. He hated how he knew he couldn’t just stop this, how when it came down to the lowest common denominator, the sheer electric charge of their bodies moving entwined, he was addicted to Kellogg, plain and simple. 

Nick fell back against him, body aching as he went slack. Kellogg released him and Nick fell forward, shaking. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. Nick’s eyes closed and he heard Kellogg get up. It was a good few moments before he heard him approach once more, tossing Nick’s own coat over the detective’s prone form. He flinched, expecting Kellogg to lie down beside him, unable to say whether he honestly would have wanted him to be there beside him, but the moment never came. Nick sighed, running a trembling hand down his face, feeling where his bottom lip had split and started to swell. There was nothing he could do about it now. Exhaustion was overtaking him, and he let his eyes fall shut. The silence of the house washed over him like a wave, and he fell into a dreamless sleep. 

Sometime later Nick, somewhere halfway between sleep and wakefulness, turned over, and came face to face with the slumbering form of the mercenary. there was more charcoal covering his arms up to his elbows, and a smudge of it by Kellogg’s nose. Something about that image tugged at Nick’s heart, and he reached out to wipe the spot away. He shifted in his sleep, catching hold of Nick’s hand and holding it to his mouth, pressing his lips to each finger. 

“ _ Sarah _ ..” He breathed against Nick’s palm, and Nick froze. Heart racing, Nick woke fully with a jolt.

His eyes shut tight and the ache in his chest was threatening to rise up, and his breath hitched. He covered his eyes with his other arm, falling back and facing the ceiling. It shouldn’t have bothered him but it did. Nick couldn’t bring himself to snatch his hand away, fighting to control his breathing. It  _ hurt _ . He covered his mouth with his hand, not letting any sound free as a sob bubbled up. He hated Kellogg, he hated him so much at this moment, his chest in wrenching pain. Nick didn’t even know why but he hated everything about him. Nick jerked his hand away, clutching it to his chest as if he were struck down. He sat up, fumbling for his clothes. Kellogg took hold of his coat, tugging it toward himself, and Nick kicked it off. Breath coming in shaky, Nick ran a hand through his hair and cast a backward look at Kellogg as he heaved himself forward, tucking his shirttails under his belt. Losing his coat was one small price to pay for getting out of there before the mercenary woke. He didn't know if he could face him after that. 

Nick felt naked without his coat as he slammed the door behind him, heading out into the predawn light, the early morning cold bracing as it stung the bruise Kellogg had left visible in the crook of his neck. A few slow steps led him to the edge of the platform overlooking the rest of the city. This was the time he always felt he was best suited for, and looking out on the neon glow of Diamond City was soothing as he leaned against the railing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how about that for an ending lmao  
> this took a lot longer than it honestly should have and i'm sorry for that i've been stupidly busy and this is sort of the product of that   
> i've also been writing a nick valentine mpreg fic and that's been taking all my focus lmao  
> um comments and kudos are well appreciated i do like to hear what you think about this fic //fingerguns


	9. Chapter 9

 

Ellie stepped into the office several hours later, yawning, loosely hanging Nick’s coat over her arm. “Did you leave this in the doorway?” 

He lifted his head, gaze tracing the lines of her face. “I, I guess I did.” Nick smoothed a hand over the bandaged wound on his neck. She caught a glimpse of the bloodstain on his collar. 

“Nick..” She strode toward him, depositing his jacket on the desk before coming around to lean over him, fretting. “What happened?” 

He let her lift his chin, tilting it to the side as she palpated the bruise that radiated along the side of his neck. Nick hissed through his teeth, and Ellie took into account how his lip looked, where it split, still swollen. 

“I thought you didn’t leave Diamond City?” 

Nick glanced down, brow furrowed. He was tempted to tell her everything. “I didn’t.” 

There was a sharp intake of breath, and Nick lifted his gaze to meet hers. “Do I want to know who did this?” 

“I don’t think you should.” Not yet at least. Nick let out a slow breath, before glancing her way again. “What about you? I take it you had a good evening.” 

Ellie was taken aback, sweeping a stray hair behind her ear as her cheeks bloomed pink. “I guess. Chandra -- That’s Dr. Amari, by the way suggested I stay overnight. It’s safer to travel during the day.” 

“Oh?” Nick leaned back with a sigh, letting Ellie pull the bandage from his neck. She made a soft noise of shock, and he guessed she noticed the bite mark. 

“Y-yeah,” Ellie answered, sounding distracted. “It was nice, in a way.” She folded over his collar, so the air could get at his wound before dabbing at it with a wet cloth. Nick twisted in his seat, wringing his hands. It stung, but not in the pleasurable way it had been the night before. A heat rose to his face at the memory, and he crossed his legs. “She’s sweet on me.” Ellie continued, letting Nick focus on her words. “I guess that’s nice too.” 

“Mmhm.” Nick settled in the chair, relaxing. “Glad to see you’re getting out of here more often.”

“I wish I could say the same for you, Nick.” She pulled back, dropping the cloth onto the desk. “Now hold still.” Ellie pressed a fresh roll of gauze to the wound, wrapping it with a bandage around his neck. Nick grit his teeth, hand clenching into fists. 

She pulled back, a hand resting on his cheek. "Is that better?" 

"Much." He patted her hand. "Thank you, Ellie." 

She took a step back and sucked in a breath before letting it out. "I'm going to freshen up a bit, and then you can tell me what happened to you." 

Ellie ran a hand along Nick's shoulder as she passed. The warm action made it hard for him to want to lie to her again. 

As soon as she left the room, Nick jerked the worn jacket closer and pressed it to his face, breathing it in. It still smelled like smoke and the musky scent that seemed to linger just on the surface of Kellogg’s skin.

He fumbled in the pockets. Kellogg took his cigarettes, the son of a bitch. Wait. He paused. There was something in the pocket. He reached in and pulled out a piece of newsprint, crumpled and covered in a light dusting of char dust. 

At first he thought it would be an old picture, but then he unfolded it. On one side was a scribbled out note. He didn't bother to try and decipher it. 

That was  _ definitely _ not a picture of Jenny he'd found crumpled up in the pocket of his coat. Nick touched the corner of the page, not wanting to smudge the charcoal as he smoothed it out, standing over his desk. It was himself, sleeping, illuminated by an oil lantern drawn from an intimately close position. A knot rose in his throat and he swallowed around it. He felt dizzy all of a sudden and needed to sit down. Nick sank down further into his desk chair, leaning one elbow against his desk as he stared down at the picture. He sighed, running his hands through his hair. 

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, Nick.” Ellie stepped in, and was adjusting the scarf around her neck, where it badly concealed a fading red mark. “We almost did once already.” She looked down, wringing her hands. “Can you tell me what this is about, why you keep coming back hurt all the time?” 

He shoved the picture into one of the lower drawers, closing it tight. “One of my...  _ informants _ has been unruly.. as of late. It’s been difficult trying to get information from him. It ends in a fight every time.” 

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Ellie followed the line of his body with her eyes, lingering on the wound at his throat. 

Nick gave her a quick nod. “Sometimes.” 

 

* * *

 

He pulled the door shut behind him, his shoulders sagging as he let his hand drop to his side.

"I take it you found it." 

"You left me this." Nick let the paper drop from his fingers. 

"Could have been a real artist, people used to tell me." Kellogg spoke somewhere behind him, noting how it was spread out. Nick didn't turn. The sound of his footsteps drew ever closer until he was standing just right behind him, not touching Nick at all.

"You're not bad." Nick conceded in a small voice, giving him what he hoped was a thoughtful look, mouth dry, not real keen on being an art critic when he loomed so close behind him. Kellogg moved to stand beside him, fingers twitching anxiously. He looked as if he wanted to say something, the words stuck in his throat. Nick chanced a glance toward him, stomach clenching as he hoped the mercenary’s eyes wouldn’t slide his direction. Kellogg let his head drop; Nick heard him sigh. 

He looked the opposite way, crossing his arms over his chest.  "You drew me." 

"What a great detective  _ you _ are." Kellogg snapped, seizing him by the arm and turning him around. "You left me here alone." 

"You were asleep." Nick's gold gaze met Kellogg's expression, tired of this back and forth. Kellogg’s grip tightened, and Nick bit back a cry when Kellogg’s fingers dug into the flesh of his bicep. He was tossed back against the wall and he turned his head away, expecting Kellogg’s full weight on him in a matter of seconds but it never came. Nick opened his eyes, reluctantly looking to the mercenary. He was staring, inches from where Nick fell back against the wall. “Why did you come back?” 

He raised his hand and Nick flinched, expecting a blow to land. Instead, Kellogg’s hand lingered by his face, almost touching but not quite. He exhaled, eyelids twitching as he waited for Kellogg to grip his throat, and wring the life out of him. 

“You can’t just  _ do _ that to me,” Nick blurted, eyes opening, looking at him from just the corner of his eye. “You brought my coat back, you-- you drew a picture of me. You keep kissing me, and it’s so sincere. It  _ hurts _ .” His voice cracked and he found he couldn’t look toward him. “Why?” 

Kellogg closed the space between them in the time it took for him to blink, and Nick found himself face to face with the mercenary when he regained the courage to look him in the eye. 

Kellogg’s eyes searched his expression. “You wanna know why? You honest to God want to know?” His fingers raised toward the side of Nick’s jaw, skimming the very edge. 

His breath came in shaky, and Kellogg had to have noticed. Their mouths were so close, and Nick found himself desperately wishing for him to stop talking and kiss him, just so he wouldn’t have to answer him. 

“You have no idea, do you?” 

Nick narrowed his eyes, a hand coming up to rest on Kellogg’s chest, fingers wrapping around the strap of his armor. “That doesn’t matter. You want me to keep coming back and I do.” 

“Are you telling me you don’t want to show up here out of the blue any time you need an itch scratched?” Kellogg laughed, and Nick hated the sound of it. “That every time you come here it’s because you want  _ me _ to be satisfied?” He pressed him against the wall, speaking right against his lips and Nick put a foot forward, as if to stop him. “How deep in denial can you possibly be?” Kellogg growled, lips curled in a snarl. 

“This isn’t denial. You--” Nick’s gold eyes flicked down to Kellogg’s lips, still so close to his own. A thought occurred to him to press his mouth to the one in front of him. He lifted his chin in defiance of himself and his intrusive thoughts, mouth curving down in a moue of enmity. A breath escaped him and Nick settled back against the wall, conceding to the loss of distance between them.  “I’m disgusted by how much I need you.” 

“Disgust is something I can work with.” Kellogg’s fingers curled around his throat, and Nick took a breath, anticipating the squeeze. It never came. “Matter of fact, it’s something I’m intimately familiar with.” 

“Is it?” Nick’s voice was restrained, still half expecting Kellogg to clamp down on his throat. “Must come with the way you treat people.” 

“You weren’t complaining yesterday.” He drew Nick’s face closer, pulling him by the throat. “Or do you just hate me when I’m not fucking you?”  

“I hate you more and more with each passing time you  _ do _ .” Nick bared his teeth, his neck taut against Kellogg’s palm. 

“Mm, is that so?” Kellogg worked a knee between his legs. “I’ll try to remember that next time you’re face down in my bed.” He pressed his mouth to the crook of Nick’s neck, the sharp tips of his teeth barely scraping along the surface. Nick groaned, tilting his head to the side. A sound Nick vaguely recognized as laughter bubbled up from where Kellogg’s lips were latched onto his throat. 

“What’s so funny?” 

“You.” His fingers crossed over the front of Nick’s throat, grazing the edge of the gauze. The detective gasped, and Kellogg worked a knuckle against the bandage. A ragged groan tore out of him and Nick’s hips rolled toward the knee pressed between his thighs. “You hate me so much, and yet..” Kellogg’s knee started to rub at the growing erection, noticing how Nick canted his body toward his touch. “Doesn’t seem like it.” 

“You’re making it hard to focus.” Nick grit his teeth, breathing hard through his nose. 

“What is there to focus on beside your dick?” Kellogg shoved him harder against the wall, free hand working its way under his shirt, untucking it from under his belt. “Can’t multitask, Valentine?” 

“That isn’t why I’m here.” 

“But now that it’s happening, you’re not gonna complain, right?” Kellogg gave him a challenging grin, a hand working under his shirt, smoothing up past his ribs as he sank down to his knees. 

Nick closed his mouth, not even bothering to answer, face growing hot as he looked down at him. 

“Didn’t think so.” Kellogg added, tugging Nick’s trousers open. He let out a slow breath, turning his head away as the mercenary finished unbuttoning Nick’s shirt. “Tch, you weren’t kidding.” Kellogg hooked a finger under the waistband of his underwear, letting it snap against his stomach. Nick grabbed at his wrist and jerked his hand away. 

“Don’t,” He lifted Kellogg’s hand away from his bared skin. “The last thing I need right now is more marks.” 

The mercenary reached a hand down, stroking along the flaccid length of his cock through his underwear. Nick whined, trying to downplay his need, the subtle rocking of his hips toward Kellogg’s touch still so obvious. “Your lady friend worried about you?” He cast a look up toward Nick’s face, a sly smirk crossing his features as he pulled the detective’s shorts down in one liquid movement. His erection sprung upward, and Kellogg curled a hand around it. 

“She knows about this.  _ Us _ , meeting like this.” Nick breathed, turning his head away. 

“Yeah?” Kellogg’s breath was hot against the underside of his cock, and Nick let out a husky groan. “You tell her everything?” 

He shook his head, body trembling. “She thinks it’s for a case. I don’t have the heart to lie to her.” 

“Didn’t think you had a heart.” Kellogg dragged his teeth along Nick’s bared thigh, listening to his voice hitch when he spread the detective’s legs. 

“What kind of tin man do you take me for?” Nick crooked his knee as the mercenary lifted it, letting Nick’s thigh rest in the center of his palm. 

Kellogg pressed his mouth to the inside of his leg, leaving a bite mark that faded to a less painful looking red. He let out a low laugh, one that was less mirth than Nick was expecting, and Nick’s skin prickled. “Been a long time since I thought about that.”

“About what?” He held his breath, watching Kellogg slide a rough tongue along the bite mark he left. “The Wizard of Oz? That old pre-war relic?” 

Kellogg didn’t answer, smoothing a hand along the length of Nick’s cock, pausing to look at him. “Sarah used to read it out loud. Before Mary was born.” 

Nick forced himself to close his eyes, hands coming to rest on the back of Kellogg’s head, fingers laced. “I can’t stand it when you talk about them.” 

His gaze took a turn toward steely, hardening as he watched Nick tilt his head back. “They’re dead. I can’t bring them back but I can remember them, Valentine. It’s more than what I can say for you. I’m sure other people missed Jenny just as much as you.” 

“You never knew her, you wouldn’t know.” Nick growled through clenched teeth. “She didn’t have anybody else.” 

The beginning of a look of vicious deliberation crossed Kellogg’s face, and Nick’s heart lurched. “You didn’t know about her checkered past, did you?” He flashed him a ruthless smile and Nick squeezed his shoulder hard enough to hurt. “Oh, come on. It was in your file and everything.” 

Nick’s brow furrowed and he stopped listening, Kellogg’s words sounding hollow. 

“You weren’t the only sap she played up. Just the last one.” 

He swallowed, breath coming in shallow as his eyes lowered, peering somewhere behind Kellogg. “She loved me. That didn’t matter.”    
“No wonder Nora dumped you. You got no spine either. You’d let a pretty girl walk all over you no matter what.”    
Nick’s thigh shifted at his shoulder, and he grimaced, lips curling downward. “I would rather be a doormat than someone who would be willing to kill for money.” 

Kellogg scoffed under his breath, “That kind of thinking is what got you here.” 

He cast a look down at Kellogg, watching him as he buried his face between Nick’s legs. A choked gasp burst from Nick’s lips, and he scrabbled at the back of Kellogg’s head, trying for purchase as he arched his back. 

One thing was certain; he was good with his tongue, and Nick covered his face with his hand to keep from crying out. He couldn’t help but roll his hips toward Kellogg’s open mouth, hating how good it felt, how his body burned with embarrassment and pleasure as his erection twitched. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Nick’s voice caught in his throat as he fell back against the wall. He’d lost Kellogg’s steadying presence as the mercenary gripped his arm again, squeezing where the bruise had begun. That pain shot a red hot jolt down Nick’s spine, arousal settling in his belly. His body still burned, skin hot to the touch. “Why’d you stop?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Kellogg spit, forcing Nick against the wall. His head turned, cheek flat against the rough surface. Nick’s erection, caught between the wall and his stomach, was pressed to his sticky skin and the friction was distracting enough without the force of Kellogg’s hard muscles against his back. He groaned, taking hold of Nick’s waist, as he drew his ass closer. Nick’s face fell against the wall; he could feel the material cutting into his flesh where it rested. 

“I don’t want to have to see your face.” 

Nick’s expression curdled, and he lifted his hand to push himself back from the wall, not willing to keep this charade going. Kellogg caught his wrist, twisting his arm behind his back. The angle of his shoulder caused him to gasp aloud, and he moaned, feeling Kellogg’s erection against his ass. He was still breathing hard, carefully listening for Kellogg’s hot breath on the back of his neck. “Y-you son of a bitch.” He muttered, fuming. “Let me go. I don’t want to see you again.” 

Kellogg held his breath, jerking Nick’s arm up higher. The twist of his arm was agonizing, but Nick didn’t make a sound, hips pivoting languidly against the wall. He could tell the detective was lying, and he worked a hand down between Nick’s thighs. With a sharp press, Nick arched his hips toward Kellogg’s touch, as he sunk his finger into his wet hole deeper. A ragged cry tore from him, and Kellogg added two more fingers. The stretch was immense, his abused hole clenching around the intrusion. He thrust them deeper, smashing Nick’s body against the wall. The detective groaned, desperate for some friction. Nick was sure he wouldn’t last like this, body being dragged against the wall. He heard the telltale sound of a fly unzipping and then any consciousness he was hoping to cling to was blasted away in a stretch the likes of which he’d never felt before, body unable to handle it. He came with a shout, painting the wall white with his seed. The pressure eased only a little when he pulled his fingers out of him, and he shuddered bodily, as Kellogg’s mouth latched to the bare side of his throat. 

“I could say the same thing to you.” His voice was a rumble, low and resentful. “You keep coming back, making it so easy for me to fuck you.” Kellogg’s hips were slow, each rock into him deep. He was crushed against the wall, hands clenching into fists each time their bodies made contact. “You don’t want me to stop.” He breathed, taking the shell of Nick’s ear into his mouth and biting down. Nick’s knees went weak and he moaned, body tensing. 

“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” Nick answered, eyes closed tight, as he was pummelled against the wall. Kellogg coiled a thick arm around his throat, jerking Nick’s head back. He couldn’t breathe, his free hand clawing at Kellogg’s forearm, feet barely touching the floor as he heaved Nick back away from the wall. 

“You wanna talk about things you don’t understand?” He hissed, mouth against Nick’s ear. “Tell me about how you let me do these things to you. I want to know why you want me to hurt you.” 

Nick turned his head, breath coming in painful gasps. He fell silent, the arm twisted behind his back loosened and he let it fall before starting to stroke himself. 

“Fucking  _ answer _ me.” Kellogg bent Nick over. The hand on his cock flew to the wall to support himself, and the arm around Nick’s throat flexed before tightening. A long whine escaped his mouth as he struggled to breathe. The mercenary smoothed a hand along Nick’s chest, down the dark hair trailing along his stomach before closing his fist around Nick’s cock. A choked sound burst from his lips when Kellogg started stroking him fast, drawing him to hardness. 

“ _ I can’t _ .” Nick moaned, moving with him. Each impact sent another cry from his lips, and he couldn’t help but piston his hips back and forth between his touch. “It makes it easier for me to hate you.” He finally announced, spit dripping from his mouth as his head bowed back against Kellogg’s shoulder. 

“You’re pathetic,” Kellogg admitted, rolling his hips without a set rhythm, so close. Kellogg’s arm tensed at his throat, choking Nick, and with a stuttered thrust of his hips, Nick came again. He went slack and the mercenary came, releasing him. Nick fell to his knees on the ground, curling in on himself. Kellogg watched, eyes following the line of Nick’s back, as he sat back on his heels. He wiped at his mouth with the fleshy part of his hand, breathing hard. 

“ _ I’m _ the pathetic one?” Nick found his footing with some difficulty, hoisting his clothing up to cover the aching bare parts of him. “You act as if we’re friends.” He turned, facing Kellogg. His eyes blazed gold, livid. “We are  _ nothing _ , you are nothing but a nuisance to me. I wish I could say I hate you but I feel nothing but pity for you. You disgust me.” 

“I wish you did hate me, Valentine.” Kellogg added, backing up as he fixed his own pants. “Now get out of here. You made yourself clear enough. This is it.” 

Nick stiffened, closing the distance between him and the door. “I should thank you for returning my coat.” 

Kellogg opened his mouth to speak; Nick could hear him take a breath, words imminent, but pulled the door open without listening, and in a moment was gone without hearing what he had to say. 

The door clicked closed, and Kellogg sighed, taking a step and picking up the picture he drew before crushing it in his fist and throwing it into a far corner in anger. 

Nick’s hands were clenched into fists as he found his way home, taking the long way as he walked the winding streets through Diamond City. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //fingerguns  
> well guys i feel like everything is coming to a head in this fic and i am just glad all of y'all are here with me lmao  
> comments, kudos and everything are awesome. keep them coming. 
> 
> also please never let me write rimming again i can't do it


	10. Chapter 10

It was a long few cold weeks. Nick threw himself into his work, returning little things for people he knew wouldn’t care either way. It was better than half expecting that familiar shadow darkening his door, whatever passed for his heart skipping a beat or two, and a cold heaviness would settle somewhere in his chest whenever anyone pulled the door open, feeling something like fear and something like anticipation. He knew it wasn’t going to happen, could tell himself over and over that it was done.  _ He _ was done. 

Quiet snatches of stories carried on the wind suggested everything Kellogg had said was the truth. Nora had gotten to the Institute, had agreed to join them for everything. Nick had turned away from these rumors, still somehow knowing they were true. 

It was funny in a horribly ironic way. Nick knew this meant the Commonwealth would be changed, regardless of what choices she would make. It wasn’t much difference, but he knew whatever would happen would be what Nora wanted. Maybe that was good. 

Ellie was hesitant around him, he noticed. She didn’t look at him the same way, and he was sure he knew why. She saw him broken, torn to pieces, forced open and fucked mercilessly. He knew it changed how she saw him, how he had been destroyed. 

* * *

 

  
“Of course I’m worried for him, Chandra!” Ellie crossed the room, antsy on her feet as she paced. “You didn’t see how he looked. How… I found him.” Her hand flew to the hollow of her throat, still recalling how he had been draped like a broken doll in his seat, covered in  _ fluids _ . She was adult enough to know what it was, the thick white liquid mixing with the opaque color of coolant, and it distressed her to know there were things about Nick she wasn’t aware of, that she caught a glimpse of something darker beneath the surface. He was hiding more than just his injuries from her, and it scared her far more than it hurt. 

“Do you trust him?” Dr. Amari took her hands, getting her to pause her walking. Ellie opened her mouth to respond, but stopped, pressing her lips together tight. 

“Yes, I guess I do. He’s an adult, he can handle himself, but…” 

“But you said it yourself. You can’t force him to listen to you, no matter how much you want him to.” 

She stopped, mulling over her words. “You’re right.” 

Dr. Amari released her hand, and clasped Ellie’s arm in a comforting way, before she pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. “Come on, you’re all worked up. I think a drink is in order.” 

“Mm.” Ellie gave a monosyllabic reply, not looking at her. 

* * *

  
  


Nick settled in his seat and shrugged out of his coat, legs stretching beneath his desk. He found himself rereading the same line over and over again, not at all taking in any of it. He let out a breath and let the paper sag down against the flat surface. It was a short moment of decision before Nick tilted his hat down over his eyes and folded his hands over his stomach, hoping to catch a few minutes of rest before the next big case. It had been a quiet day anyway. He guessed that’s what happened when the Institute was looming bigger now more than ever. Nobody wanted to take that on. He understood why. 

He closed his eyes. 

A hand was at his throat in an instant, hot, squeezing his breath away. He gasped, struggling to draw a breath, lungs clawing at his throat. He whined, body reacting in a way he hadn’t felt for a while. It was a line of heat delving straight down to his cock, and he could feel his erection stirring. Nick groaned, and it came out like a growl, his throat folding beneath the welcome touch of the hand tightening around his neck. A mouth was forced onto his own and he tore at the assailant’s shoulders; Nick was crushed back against the wall, everything being taken from him as he moaned, body so open to being touched so roughly. He leaned back against the wall, his legs shoved apart. The stretch made his thighs ache, but it was only seconds later that he felt his trousers shredded apart and, oh, a burning heat surrounded his cock, wet and tight, teeth scraping down the length of his erection. His hands flew to grasp at his mysterious assailant’s head, scrabbling at nothing. He moaned, the mouth on his swiping a sweltering tongue across his teeth, their tongues meeting in his mouth. 

A ragged cry was torn from him as he felt something thick and hot shove inside him. Nick’s mouth fell open as he breathed, panting hard. He whined, a low keening sound. Nick needed more. He bowed his head, rocking between the mouth on his erection and the burning cock in his ass. The mouth on his was back, biting at his lips, drawing his bottom lip into their mouth and sucking on it hard enough to make him see stars. 

All at once it was gone, and then he was slammed down against his desk, the edge of it digging into the top of his hips. He couldn’t rock back against the intrusion being thrust into him, and that drove him crazy. That one point of touch had him writhing, each breath a sob and he begged. “O-oh, god, _Kellogg_ _please_.” 

The hands that were all over him left for another second, and then he was turned over. That voice rumbled in his ear, their chests touching, he could feel the vibration as he spoke: “Never had anyone call me god before.” 

Nick felt his knees pushed apart, two hot hands on the underside of his thighs. He was bent almost in half, and a familiar weight was on top of him. Nick’s fingers laced behind the assailant’s head, pulling their mouth against his. He all but screamed, body spasming around the intrusion as he came, arching up so hard he knew he would be sore. 

He opened his eyes, realizing with a snap where he was, and noting the sticky heat in the front of his trousers. It was just a dream. He heaved a sigh, panting. His hair was sticking to his forehead and he felt hot still, as he let his head fall back against his shoulders. 

Nick closed his eyes tight, running his hands down his face. He took a breath and let it out slow, wondering what the hell happened to him that he was dreaming about fucking Kellogg now, after he swore to himself he would never go back. Kellogg felt the same, a bitter anger, Nick was sure. He hadn’t shown his face around the office, but even so, thoughts of the mercenary were never far from the forefront of his mind. Much to Nick’s detriment. No matter how hard he tried to push those thoughts away. 

He pulled off his hat, throwing it down on his desk, and his arms followed, dropping onto the flat surface. Nick buried his head in the crook of his arm, letting out another sigh. He hated himself, his subconscious for supplying the memories, the thoughts of the mercenary that haunted him so badly. 

Nick shifted, his pants still wet and now cooling. He rolled his hips back against the seat of the chair. It felt so real. He could still feel the thrum of arousal peaking somewhere in his belly, and he started to grow hard again. 

He covered his face in his hand, unzipping his fly. The sensation of air around his sensitive erection drew a gasp, and his other hand curled around his cock. He was stroking slowly, rocking his hips toward his own touch. Nick bit down on his bottom lip as he moaned, already so sensitive. His breath caught in his throat and he struggled to keep his voice down, not hearing the office door open. Nick leaned further forward, hips pistoning into his hand as he lost himself over to the pleasure. The image his mind conjured up was something he never would have expected when he looked up to the door.    


“I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?” Nick breathed, leaning back in his seat as he kept stroking himself. 

“This something you usually dream about?” Kellogg crossed his arms over his chest, cocking his hip to the side as he leaned against the door frame. Nick didn’t answer, but the coloration of his face was answer enough, and the mercenary started to laugh low in his throat. “Having fun?” 

Nick came with a shout, hips pumping against his hand. He blinked again, realizing with a sinking feeling that it wasn’t his imagination, and his face _burned_. “What are you doing here?” 

“Interrupting you, clearly.” Kellogg sauntered toward him, and Nick closed his eyes, half expecting a biting remark. 

When none came he looked up at Kellogg and the grin that cut across his face widened. “Missed me?” 

Nick put himself away, and clenched his hands into fists, turning his flushed face. “No. You’re not supposed to be here. I made it clear I never wanted to see you again.” 

“Did you think I’d keep my word? C’mon, Valentine, do you  _ really _ ?” Kellogg took a step that carried him closer to Nick’s desk. He was craning his neck to catch a glimpse of Nick’s groin, and laughed low again when he noticed the wet spot in his pants. 

Nick’s brow furrowed, and his voice was tense. “You really are in love with me, aren’t you.” 

“Is that the only conclusion you jump to? Put your detective brain to work.” Kellogg leaned down, hands splayed on the desk in front of him. “Maybe I just like fucking you. Maybe you’re just so good that I can’t stop. And you don’t want me to stop.” 

Nick leaned up, their faces almost touching. “I want you to stop right now.” 

He paused, eyes settling half closed, his lips almost brushing Nick’s. “Do you now?” Nick’s head tilted back, letting Kellogg’s knuckles skim the edge of his cheek.  

“What if I told you I needed you right now?” Nick let his voice drop low, and the gold of his eyes flicked to Kellogg’s face, meeting his own heavily lidded brown eyes. “I don’t  _ want _ you,” his mouth brushed Kellogg’s chapped lips, and his breath came out shaky. “I need you.” 

“Sounds like you don’t want me to stop after all.” Kellogg laughed, lifting Nick’s chin and pressing their mouths together. Nick’s fingers caught at the mercenary’s collar, hands like claws reeling him in closer. Nick moaned, and he set a knee on top of the desk. Kellogg’s hand slid up the side of his thigh, catching on his belt. He grabbed hold of him, tugging Nick close. The detective panted, moving with him. Kellogg’s fingers slipped between his legs, massaging at his flaccid cock beneath his pants. He groaned, rolling his hips toward the touch. Kellogg trailed his mouth along the side of his throat, and Nick gasped aloud. His face burned, and he grabbed at the mercenary’s shoulder. Kellogg’s hand forced his legs apart, and he obliged, winding his leg around Kellogg’s own, crooking his knee around the back of the mercenary’s thigh. 

“You’re a bastard, you know.” Nick hissed through gritted teeth, growing hard. He groaned when Kellogg worked a hand down the waistband of his pants, mouth right up against his ear. 

“Yeah? You happen to know my parents?” He teased, biting down just hard enough for Nick’s voice to catch in his throat. His fist closed around Nick’s cock and Nick whined, squeezing his wrist. 

“Fuck you.” He spit, their mouths close. 

“That’s what I’m trying to do.” Kellogg crushed their mouths together, taking Nick’s bottom lip into his mouth and sucking on it hard enough to make stars explode in front of his eyes. He groaned, leaning against Kellogg’s chest. 

“C’mon, then.” He wrenched Kellogg closer by the coat, gripping the thick fabric in his fist. A wild look crossed his face and Nick knew Kellogg was barely holding onto his self control. Nick smoothed his hand along Kellogg’s chest, working his jacket off. It hit the floor behind him. The mercenary took hold of Nick’s waist, letting Nick peel his shirt off next. His fingers traced down Kellogg’s chest, feeling the criss cross pattern of the patchwork flesh that concealed all of the enhancements beneath his skin. 

He took a breath, and held it. “This one is new, isn’t it?” He palmed the slight protrusion just above where he assumed his heart would be. 

“One up here too.” He took Nick’s other hand, guiding it up to the nape of his neck. There was a small box, about half an inch across, just behind his ear, that stood out from his skin, as if it were plugged in instead of placed underneath. His fingers brushed it and Kellogg let out a full body shiver. 

“Does that hurt?” He couldn’t help but sound concerned, his voice betraying him, fingers twitching. 

“Shouldn’t.” Kellogg took his hand away, and squeezed. Nick half expected him to tighten his grip enough to hurt, cracking his fingers in his fist, but he didn’t. Kellogg’s pupils were blown wide, and Nick was fascinated. He lifted the detective’s hand to his mouth, pressing gentle kisses to each finger. 

“Stop.” Nick pulled his hand into a fist, drawing it closer to himself. Watching him made his heart feel heavy, like a bear trap closed around it. 

“What’s the problem now?” Kellogg didn’t release his hand, instead dragging him closer by the arm. “Change your mind?”  His presence was overbearing, and Nick cringed from him. He had to have  noticed, because his body language changed entirely. Nick wasn't sure if he liked the change. 

"Thought the lab boys were finished with you." Nick spoke, feeling his wrist when Kellogg let go. 

"Your girl showed up herself. Said there was some new enhancement to test, wanted me to be guinea pig number one." Kellogg gestured to the small implant behind his ear. "That's that." 

"And this one?" Nick put his hand to the mercenary's chest, and he could feel Kellogg's heart thundering beneath his palm. 

Kellogg covered his hand with his own and Nick stiffened, almost ready to tear his hand away. "Something like a pre-war pacemaker." 

Nick considered it for a moment, before he cocked his head to the side, noting how his heartbeat sped up. "Really."

Kellogg touched his face again and Nick bit back a groan. "Are we finished playing show and tell?" 

The detective shifted closer, legs spread. "I don't need any gentleness from you." 

"I can do rough." Kellogg grasped at his hip and squeezed. It ached, and he was sure he'd have a bruise there later but it sent a thrill of arousal straight to his cock. "First thing, I'm gonna need these off of you." He tore Nick's pants lower, and he kicked them off. Kellogg ran a hand along Nick's calf, pausing to snap the knee high garters keeping his socks up. The detective yelped and rolled his hips. Nick had his boxers down past his thighs in an instant. "Eager, are we?" 

"Shut up and stick it in me." Nick growled. 

"Maybe I should make you wait longer." He smoothed his palm between Nick's thighs, totally avoiding his swollen erection.

He whimpered, body hot and needy, as he held his legs apart for Kellogg. "What a slut you turned out to be, huh." His erection twitched at Kellogg's words and a vicious grin curved across his face. "Is this what gets you off?" He leaned in, the press between Nick's thighs darkly obscene. It took all of his willpower not to arch up right there, feeling Kellogg's lithe muscles working between his legs. 

"You'd be amused to know Nora did the same thing. Begged me to fuck her. Used to be nothing standing in the way between me and an easy lay, and I couldn't say no to a hot piece of ass like that, but look what you've turned me into." Kellogg met Nick's face, arms holding himself up on either side of Nick's prone form. Nick's legs were bent on either side of Kellogg's waist, where  he was doubled in close, pinning the detective to his desk. Nick flushed and held his gaze. "She was  _ pissed _ when I turned her down." Kellogg added. 

Nick's heart clenched in his chest and he suddenly felt cold. He noted how pale Nick was all of a sudden, and lifted his chin with a finger before kissing him deeply. Nick held onto his face, anticipating Kellogg's touch as he rocked his hips toward the mercenary. "And then she put the implant in your head." He sounded concerned, and Kellogg turned to look. "She could have put  something dangerous in there." 

"Didn't think you cared."

“I don’t. I didn’t.” He corrected himself, matter of factly, shifting on top of the desk. “Somehow I’m not comforted by the fact that you would rather sleep with  _ me _ .” 

“Mm. Would you rather I left right now?” Kellogg’s expression darkened and he ran a hand down the inside of Nick’s bare thigh, pausing at his sensitive erection. 

“Honestly, yes.” Nick tilted his head back, sitting up on his elbows. He was breathing fast, struggling to control himself. He needed Kellogg now more than ever and the bastard was taking his sweet time holding a conversation. 

“Can’t leave somebody in need, now, can I?” His tone of voice was teasing, and he brushed his palm against the head of Nick’s erection. 

“So considerate.” Nick snapped, the back end of a moan catching in his throat. He huffed, turning his head away. Kellogg spit into his hand, slicking himself up as he pressed into him. Nick opened his mouth wide in a silent cry, clamping his hands down on the edge of the desk behind him. He let out a trembling whine, breath harsh in the silence between them. Kellogg sank into him to the hilt, and Nick tried not to wince as his body spasmed around the intrusion. He wasn’t used to it as much as he was, and Kellogg loomed over him like a great silent wave, ready to crash down on him at any moment. Nick pulled himself up by the back of Kellogg’s arms, almost sitting up. He rolled his hips, desperate for the kind of contact he was dreaming about. 

“ _ Move, _ damn it. I need more.” He called, arms around Kellogg’s neck. 

“I can do that.” Kellogg responded, voice a clipped groan as he started to move his hips, pressing closer to Nick as he did so. The detective held on tight, and wondered what his life had become, until the mercenary pressed his mouth to Nick’s and he forgot everything but the blazing touch that held him spellbound. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took way longer than it should have lmao also i feel like i'm getting closer to the end. that or being able to set up easier for the nickellogg mpreg shit //fingerguns 
> 
> comments, questions, kudos and all that stuff are super welcome!!


	11. Chapter 11

Nick was dizzy when he pulled away again, lips red and swollen. He licked away the taste of Kellogg, eyes half lidded. A whine escaped his mouth and he rolled his hips, body clenching around him as he moved against him. He let Kellogg run his hands up his sides, catching on the tails of his shirt. Nick held his breath as he pulled it off over his head, and then attacked the bare flesh beneath. He moaned, mouth open, and Kellogg caught a glimpse of Nick’s eyes following every one of his movements. A smirk crossed his face and he leaned in. 

"You're the one in love with  _ me _ ," Kellogg whispered, mouth traveling up his chest and toward Nick’s neck, "Aren't you?" He chuckled under his breath, taking Nick's earlobe in his mouth and sucking hard. The detective gasped aloud, dragging his nails down Kellogg's bare back.

"That isn't a no." Kellogg continued, pressing Nick's back down against the desk, ramming him without thought. Nick held his gaze, mouth open in a silent cry. He couldn't get the words out even if he wanted to answer. His heart twinged, and Nick pulled Kellogg in close. Their lips met and he moaned into the mercenary's mouth. Kellogg grinned against his mouth, and turned his head a little to put his mouth close to Nick's ear. "Answer me or I won't let you come." He wrapped a tight hand around the detective's aching cock, slowing the movement of his hips until it was agony to the both of them. Kellogg could deal with it; the anticipation swooping low in his gut at the look on Nick's face.

"Please." He shook his head. "Don't, don't make me tell you what you don't want to hear."

"I'm not the one lying here, pal." Kellogg thrust hard, just once, and Nick let out a cry, trying to turn onto his side, desperate to come. "One simple yes or no, and I'll let you finish, okay?" Nick's hair was sticking in wet curls to his forehead and he moaned, a distressed keening sound like he needed it now more than ever. Nick's hands climbed up to Kellogg's face, squeezing his chin and kissing him with wild abandon.

"Still not an answer." Kellogg let out a groan, shifting his hips when Nick tightened around him, unable to keep still. He bent forward, hips twitching toward Nick's body as his cock throbbed, left wanting. Nick's chest heaved, and he gasped for breath, his mouth falling open. Kellogg rolled his hips slow, taking in all of Nick's little sounds as he sank into him deeply. His hand came to rest at the back of Kellogg's head, and Nick brought his face closer. He stopped for a moment, and Nick captured his gaze, holding it. A deep need to look away rose in him, but he fought it, maintaining eye contact. Kellogg's thumb traced the edge of his mouth and a foreign heaviness settled in his chest, an overwhelming weight. He took the tip into his mouth and ground his incisor into the meaty flesh of the pad of his thumb. An aroused look crossed Kellogg's face that was more familiar to him than anything else, and he dug a sharp tooth into his skin. The mercenary drew a breath, hips stuttering where he held them still. 

"Do you think you can avoid answering? Are you trying to distract me?" 

Nick growled in response. "That depends. Is it working?" 

Kellogg's reply was a lustful rumble, as he pressed an open mouth to the side of Nick's throat. "Fuck,  _ yes _ -!" 

He moaned, legs coming up to cross above the taut muscles of Kellogg's ass. The mercenary took hold of Nick's hips and rammed him harder, and Nick held on tight. He was pressing up toward him, surging closer. 

"You can't get out of this." He had a hand in Nick's shirt, scraping blunt nails down the side of his ribs. The detective groaned under his breath, mouth curving down in a grimace. 

"You don't want to know what I want." Nick ground out, head turned away. 

Kellogg spoke against his thundering pulse, "How about you try me?" 

Nick's breath hitched and he squeezed his legs tighter. He considered his words carefully before opening his mouth. "Why are you so interested in what I want? You never cared before." 

"You're right." Kellogg's mouth settled in a hard line as he bowed his head, casting a look down at Nick. "I don't have any reason to care." His fingers brushed Nick's jaw before he jerked his head up, baring the detective's throat. Kellogg watched the line  of his throat as Nick swallowed hard. "You're nothing but a diversion, something to pass the time with." He spoke clearly, each word cutting. 

"Good. When you leave again, or when someone inevitably puts you down like a mad dog, I'll be glad to see you go." Nick found he could meet Kellogg's face, holding his gaze there. 

"You know. For a detective you're bad at lying." The mercenary scraped his teeth along the length of Nick's throat. He hissed through his teeth when a set of red lines rose to the dusky surface of his skin. 

"You tried that once, remember? Look at where that got you now." He took hold of Nick's chin, lifting their mouths together. He sighed against Kellogg's lips and the mercenary released him. 

"These are all baseless accusations." Nick spat, sounding far more weary than Kellogg gave him credit for. 

He pulled a frown, corners of his mouth curling down. “Yeah, and that’s why you’re underneath me, beggin’ me to let you finish, right?” 

Nick turned away, sharply. He frowned, brow furrowed, and his chest felt tight. “Do you want me to say yes, that I can’t stop thinking about you?” He drew a breath and held it, before speaking at once in a low voice, half expecting Kellogg to stop him. “Or would you rather have the truth?” 

Kellogg didn’t answer, instead giving him a soft grunt in response and then ramming him head on. Nick threw himself onto his side, clawing at the desktop. His breath came harsh, body rocking against the intrusion. Kellogg didn’t want an answer, Nick realized. He wanted Nick to be a writhing mess, trembling even now. 

He pumped his hips down against Kellogg’s body, going fast. He was desperate to come, and he didn’t care if Kellogg knew how to play him like a fiddle, getting him so close so easily and stopping him there. The mercenary took hold of his throat again, not quite squeezing his neck, but the contact itself sent Nick’s heart pounding louder and he was sure Kellogg could hear it, let alone feel it as their bodies connected. He moaned loudly, fingers catching on the edge of the desk as Kellogg held his legs apart wider. 

As Kellogg worked his hips, he spoke in a hushed tone, as if for Nick’s ears only even though they were alone and no one else could possibly have heard them. “When I fuck you, do you tell yourself that I’m only doing this because you’re the closest person on hand that doesn’t flinch at the sight of me?” His mouth brushed Nick’s ear and he shuddered despite himself. Kellogg’s fingers twitched at his throat, and Nick covered his hand with his own. 

“I like to think that’s it.” Nick muttered, swallowing hard under Kellogg’s palm. “I know it’s not. Far from it, even.” His gold eyes glowed in the shadow Kellogg cast over him. “You came to find me.” 

“And you were more than willing.” He added, watching Nick’s expression twist in contempt. “You can’t deny that.” 

Nick opened his mouth to speak but instead a choked gasp came free from his lips, and he knew Kellogg was aware of just how much Nick had needed his touch. “I’m not denying it.” 

“No. You’re not.” Kellogg conceded, mouth moving to Nick’s. He came at once when Kellogg sank his teeth into Nick’s abused bottom lip, voice breaking as he felt Kellogg pull him tighter to his chest. He started pistoning his hips faster, and Nick was at his mercy, lip bleeding. Kellogg’s fingers scraped across Nick’s face, brushing the hair from the detective’s eyes. Nick wanted to flinch, he wanted to feel the pounding throbbing ache of being punched in the face. He searched Kellogg’s expression, and the look he wore was somehow one Nick found he didn’t hate. His eyes, half lidded, fell to the mercenary’s hand. He reached for it but stopped, as if he thought better of it. A corner of Kellogg’s mouth curled up in a smirk, and Nick’s face flushed, when his fingers twitched, brushing Nick’s hand. He drew his hand away, but Kellogg caught his arm by the wrist, pinning his hand down against the edge of the desk. 

Nick tilted his head back, eyes closing. “Why did you come back?” 

“I think you’d prefer if I lied, am I right?” Kellogg’s other hand lifted from his throat, instead coming up to rest against the side of his head. He’d stopped thrusting, breathing hard as he looked down at Nick. “Can’t stand the truth when it’s staring you in the face.” Nick swallowed hard, breathing through his nose as he gazed up at him. The detective felt as if he should look away, that it was too much, the horribly oppressive weight of Kellogg’s hand in his hair, the feeling he was being crushed by the tight feeling in his chest whenever he took to meeting Kellogg’s eyes, a jolt spiraling through to his stomach, and somehow he knew he enjoyed that feeling. 

“It’s not like I would know the difference.” 

“No.” Kellogg cocked his head to the side, as if considering him in a different way. It felt as if he were looking straight through him, and Nick felt as if it were a violation, even now as he was fucking him. “You wouldn’t.” He closed his fist around Nick’s hair, tugging his head back until the tendons stood out in relief. Kellogg pressed an open mouthed kiss to the very base of his throat, in the divot of his collarbone, before he spoke there against his sticky skin: “You’re one hypocritical walking tin can. Acting all high and mighty because you’re too much of a coward to act.” 

“You’re one to talk.” Nick hissed, breath picking up as Kellogg bent his legs up closer toward his chest, the burning stretch of his muscles a welcome distraction. “Any time the Institute calls, you come running like a loyal dog.” 

“Used to do that for Nora, didn’t you?” Kellogg’s voice was rough as he turned his head, hearing Nick’s heart beat louder. “You were hoping she’d notice your subtle little advances. Too bad you never took a chance and fucked her.” 

Nick grabbed hold of his shoulder with his free hand, the hand pressed to the desk clenching in a fist. A burning rage took hold somewhere beneath his heart and he trembled from the force of it. “Not everyone is like you.” 

Kellogg fell silent, before he let a short burst of laughter that felt more like a physical blow than anything else. “If everyone was like me, I’d be dead by now.”

“I wish that were the case.” Nick muttered, and he heard Kellogg chuckle. It sent tremors through him and Nick shut his eyes tight. “You were dead once. I wish you stayed that way.” 

Kellogg worried his lip between his teeth, sounding flippant. “Do you think she would have let you stay with her if I didn’t stick around?” He sucked in a breath, cocking his hip closer against Nick, and the detective let out a cry of shock, before groaning softly. “Maybe you’d be tryin’ to fuck her without any parts right now.” 

“We’d manage.” Nick hissed, body shaking from over stimulation. Kellogg ran a hand along Nick’s body, smearing the wet along his chest and stomach and the detective all but howled when he tweaked one of Nick’s nipples. 

“Couldn’t do that in your old chassis.” Kellogg teased, rolling his hips, taking his damned sweet time with it. 

Nick’s mouth opened in a quiet oh, and he took hold of him tighter, rocking his body down toward the intrusion. They had built up a rhythm again, and Nick bit back a cry, watching Kellogg’s face as he thrust in hard, and came with a groan. The back of Nick’s head hit the desk and he fell back, slackened, as Kellogg pulled out with a low sound. 

Kellogg worked his mouth as if he wanted to say something but the words never came. His gaze fell upon Nick’s tired and sore body, and Nick was surprised to see it harden when he stirred, sitting up on his elbows, letting his legs dangle off the edge of the desk. “Gonna want me to leave again?” He murmured, moving in closer when Nick sat up. 

He leaned in close, and Kellogg’s hands flew to his bare waist. Nick turned his head away, unwilling to face him just yet as he put his head heavily against Kellogg's chest. If he listened, he could hear the sound his heart. It was almost mechanical, a ticking hum baseline to each loud even beat. His eyes settled closed, and he could feel Kellogg's chest rise and fall with each breath. 

"Let me know if you hear something worth listening to." Kellogg let his hands settle on Nick's hips, and the detective shifted, a leg on either side of his waist. 

The sound was soothing somehow, the rhythmic boom a rush in his ears. "I want to be there when your heart stops beating." 

Kellogg's mouth went dry at that morbid thought, and he scratched a nail down the side of Nick's pelvis, leaving a long red line. "Keep doin' this to me and you'll cause it." The implication still remained, settling between them like a dead weight, and he wondered if Nick was aware. Nick opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped. 

"You don't want this to end, do you?" Nick smoothed a palm over the left side of Kellogg's chest, where a small scar remained right over his heart. 

"Maybe. If I'm lucky I'll see my family again." Kellogg covered his hand with his own, before closing his fist around it and pulling it away from his chest. 

"What makes you think you'd go to the same place as them?" Nick's eyebrows went up. That wasn’t what he meant but he wasn’t going to mention it. "I didn't take you for the kind of man who believed in that." 

"And you don't? Thought that old time religion was a big pre-war thing." Kellogg let his hand drop, still clasping Nick's, and it fell to his side. 

"Lost my faith in god a long time ago." Nick answered, callously, without looking at him. He pulled his hand free, and cringed when Kellogg's grip on his waist tightened. "I don't think he exists, and if he does, he's long since abandoned us." Nick lifted his gaze to meet Kellogg's eyes. They looked hazel-green in this light, and Nick was entranced. 

Kellogg noted how easily Nick had become distracted, and a cruel grin made its way across his face. "Like looking at this ugly mug all the time?" 

His face colored, and he frowned. Just the look on Nick's face was amusing, making Kellogg's smile widen. "I'll take that as a yes." 

"That's as close as you'll get to me telling you everything." Nick spoke softly. "I can't hate everything about you, can I? That's too much work. I like to try breaking it up day by day." He sneered right back at Kellogg. "The bad things about you outweigh the good." 

"Mm. That's a better set of stats than I was hoping for. " Kellogg laughed, low in his throat, still somehow threatening as he nuzzled at Nick’s collarbone. He fell quiet, and he could hear the soft sounds of their breath falling into a gentle rhythm. Nick found he liked it, being held close, being wanted like this. 


	12. Chapter 12

Nick wondered if Ellie would be back that night, or if he could get away with not letting Kellogg leave just yet. 

“What are the good things then?” Kellogg gave him a wicked look, “There’s gotta be something else you like about me.” He tilted Nick’s chin up, thumb sliding along the edge of his jaw. He relaxed against Kellogg’s touch, mouth open, before he realized what he was doing, and snapped out of it. 

Gold eyes ablaze, Nick studied his face. He pressed his lips together tight enough to hurt, brow furrowed. “If I had my way, I wouldn’t be willing to be this close to you at all.” 

“Mhm. But you did say you didn’t hate everything about me.” He pinched Nick’s ear, and the detective let out a soft sound before pulling him in close. He would rather have Kellogg’s mouth on his, stealing his words away, if it meant he didn’t have to point out how he liked the way the muscles of Kellogg’s shoulders moved under his clothes, or how the mercenary had kind eyes that still followed his every movement like a hawk, ready to fight, or how good he was at making Nick cry out each time he jerked his hips forward against him, or-- 

No. This was bad. He didn’t want to think about Kellogg like that. How his smile made Nick’s heart clench each time he saw it, even if it was at his own expense. Nick frowned deeply, hands traveling up through the sparse dark hair that was scattered across his freckled skin where the sun didn’t hit it. 

“Did you think I meant more than just how easily you get me to come?” 

“I don’t know. That’s an achievement by itself.” Kellogg answered, leaning in again, hands splayed at Nick’s sides. His mouth was distractingly close to Nick’s own open mouth, and an urge to kiss him rose again. “It’s not my fault you’re hopelessly addicted to me.” 

Nick froze, staring away from him. Kellogg went on, a humored smirk crossing his lips. “Or maybe I’m just that good, huh?” 

"Do you tell yourself that so you don't have to face the reality of this?" 

Kellogg took hold of Nick's chin, and forced his gaze back. "The  _ reality _ of this is that any time I manage to tear myself away from you, you wheedle your way back into my life." 

" _ I _ wormed my way back into  _ your _ life? You just show your face around here expecting me to drop everything and get on my knees for you." Nick balked, expression curdling. 

"And my expectations were more than right." Kellogg answered, tightening his grip on Nick's chin. "If I didn't show up here, you'd be kicking my door down, desperate for a good fuck. You're still desperate," he fondled Nick’s thigh with his other hand, "But I don't have to replace my door. Again. So it's a win-win for everybody involved." 

"And what do you get out of this deal?" Nick flexed his leg, trying to ignore the way Kellogg squeezed his thigh. 

"Does that question even bear answering?" His fingers dug into Nick's fleshy thigh, squeezing hard enough to hurt. He kept silent, not wanting Kellogg to know how much he got to him, the bruising ache resulting where Kellogg’s fingers ground into the muscle of his leg sending satisfied pleasure spiraling down his spine. "Give yourself some credit. Did you ever think maybe you were my choice? C'mon, I could have had my pick of anybody, and any time I tried to even  _ think _ of somebody else, my thoughts went straight back to  _ you _ . It's always been you." 

Nick's breath started coming in difficult, and he blinked a few times, listening to him. "That's not something I asked for." 

Kellogg was frowning. "You think I asked for this?" 

"No." Nick breathed, "You don't ask for things, you just take." He lifted his hand to Kellogg's wrist, smoothing his palm along the point of his veins, where they stood out like wires under his skin. If he focused, he could feel the tension in Kellogg's hand, where it made the muscles in his arm bunch. 

He scoffed, and let Nick's hand cover his own, thumb coming to rest in the crook of his fingers. "Truer words have never been spoken. And you - you never even bother to ask. So tell me, who ends up better off in the end?" 

Nick grit his teeth, jaw working in anger. "I would rather live without trying than making a mistake I can never take back." 

A burst of derisive laughter bubbled up from Kellogg's lips, and he cast a dirty look Nick's way, making sure the detective held his gaze long enough that it was piercing. "Made too many of those in your life before?" 

He didn't bother answering, letting the ball of Kellogg's thumb swipe across his lower lip, and it stung. Nick took a breath and Kellogg was pressing his thumb to the split in his lip. "Why ask if you know the answer?" 

He stopped, thumb holding still where it paused on his lip. "I want to know your opinion on it. On your mistakes." Kellogg's fingers pinched at his lip, before letting go. "How much do you regret?"

"Enough." Nick muttered, worrying at his lip with his teeth. He pressed hard on the bite mark, and hissed, the pain a sweet underscore to the heat of their bodies being so close. He ground his top teeth down against his lower lip, and groaned under his breath; the pain sent a shockwave through him and Nick rolled his hips toward Kellogg's unmoving body. "I regret this. If that counts. Didn't think you cared what I thought."

"What part of this do you regret - me, or the sex?" 

There was a moment of hesitation and Kellogg's gaze lit up. A smirk cracked its way across his face. 

"Is both an acceptable answer?" 

"I don't think that's true." Kellogg leaned in, grinning wild, his gaze still somehow tender. Nick wanted to cringe back, wanted Kellogg to hit him again. Anything to get him to stop looking at him like that.

"If some stranger came up to you and kissed you just like this-" Kellogg pressed their mouths together and Nick took hold of his shoulders, fingers resting on the sides of the mercenary's neck. He pulled back too quickly, a hand on the detective's chest to hold him back and Nick burned, caught halfway between chasing after with his mouth, feeling stupid that Kellogg could so easily manipulate him like that. "You'd be fine with it?" 

Nick was adamant, face feeling hot. "No. It’s not just  _ you _ . It’s all of this. You're a terrible person, and I can't believe I am choosing to associate with you. The reasoning behind this seems to elude me." 

"Because you don't want to be alone." Kellogg ventured. 

Nick's gaze snapped to him; he was fuming. "I wasn't alone until you bothered to ruin my life." 

"Your life was on the rocks anyway. Y'think Nora would keep you around in that junky old body of yours? You would have been trashed eventually if she never joined the Institute." Kellogg let their mouths linger close, and Nick knew he was tempting him. 

"It's almost preferable to this." Nick added, words caustic. "I wouldn't have to deal with you like I am now."

“You wound me.” Kellogg’s voice was low; he was wearing a sly look, and Nick could see where Kellogg’s eyes lingered on his face. 

“I could kill you right now instead,” Nick whispered, brow knitted, as he met the mercenary’s gaze, holding it steady. “I know you want me to.” Kellogg fell silent, breathing turning shaky, chest heaving. Nick could feel where the tension in his shoulders was building, he could feel where Kellogg’s hands tightened at his hips. He knew Kellogg wasn’t expecting that. “You’ve been around too long.” 

“I’ve been around just long enough.” He growled, pulling Nick’s body taut against his. Nick’s gold eyes flicked down the length of his half bared chest, and he knew he struck a nerve there, judging by how he bristled, all hollow bravado. He held his tongue, watching Kellogg work his jaw. He’d never seen him this angry, or maybe this was hurt. Either way, it made his stomach clench in a way that wasn’t entirely unpleasant, seeing him so upset. 

Kellogg’s fingers trawled up through the back of Nick’s hair, curling into the ash brown strands and tugging his head back. Nick didn’t fight it, instead letting him pull his head back by the hair. Kellogg’s other hand made its way up to his throat, and his thumb settled into the hollow between where the tendons stood out. 

The detective grit his teeth, swallowing from behind Kellogg’s palm, voice soft and dangerous. “You’re as much a relic of a time long past as I am. Our world’s passed.” Kellogg stared him down, and Nick licked his lips, mouth feeling dry all of a sudden. “Your family’s dead. Mine died before it could be started. There’s nothing we can do to bring them back.” 

Kellogg pressed his lips together tight, and Nick focused on how much older that made him look, so much closer to his true age. “I like being alone. Nobody to worry about.” 

“Nobody to stab you in the back when you least expect it.” Nick snarled, and then paused, surprised at how angrily that came out. 

“Sounds like you’re still upset about your girl leaving you for a courser, huh.” The corner of Kellogg’s lip quirked up in a half smile. “You know, she doesn’t even want to think about you anymore. She’s got a hundred thousand synths at her beck and call, why should she?” 

Nick averted his gaze. He didn’t want Kellogg to see how deeply his words cut him to the bone. “I stopped caring about her when I realized how much she’s changed.” 

“Oh?” He felt a shift, and Kellogg wasn’t in front of him anymore. He’d turned around, fixing his clothes. “Then it shouldn’t bother you when I say she asked me to keep an eye on you so she didn’t have to.” A slow breath escaped his lips at the mercenary’s words and Kellogg cocked his hip against the desk, turning to face him, hearing how shaky his exhale was. “But it does, doesn’t it.” 

Nick slid off the edge of the desk, grabbing hold of the edge when his knees wobbled under his weight. A purple bruise started to bloom on the inside of his thigh, and he ran a palm along it, relishing the throbbing feeling before getting dressed. He cast a glance over his shoulder at Kellogg, who was all too interested in watching him button his shirt. 

“The way you presume to know everything about me isn’t in any way endearing.” Nick straightened his collar, before running a hand through his mussed hair, barely managing to neaten it. 

“I wasn’t trying for endearing, pal.” Kellogg answered, gaze turned away. He heard the flick of a lighter and then the almost inaudible sound of the crackle of a cigar being lit. 

Nick swiveled toward him on the balls of his feet, automatically. “What were you trying for then?” 

Kellogg shrugged, lifting the cigar to his mouth and taking a long languid drag. “Does that matter?” 

“I’d say so.” 

He made a dismissive sound in the back of his throat and his gaze slid toward Nick’s face. “You have whatever passes for  _ feelings _ in your tin can head for Nora and the best thing she ever did for you was put you in this new  _ body,  _ which you don’t even appreciate, and it’s pathetic. You’re pathetic.” 

Nick frowned, working his mouth as if waiting to spit an epithet that never came. “Why is that pathetic, because you can’t be bothered with real human feelings?” 

“You haven’t been a  _ real human _ in years.” Kellogg added in a cruel tone, turning on his heels to meet Nick face to face. There was a loud crack as Nick’s hand connected with his face and a heartbeat later he closed the space between them. He knocked him to the ground and climbed atop his thighs, raining blows down on Kellogg. The cigar was crushed beneath Kellogg’s broad back. He wasn’t sure where this anger welled from but letting it out like this felt so good. 

He leaned back, panting, and wiped the hair from his eyes with the back of his fist. Kellogg watched him, a thin line of blood trickling from his nose. “That feel good?” His voice was hoarse, and Nick was sure it was because he punched him in the throat. “You’re always so reserved. Didn’t think you  _ had _ the reasoning to be mad like that.” His hands crawled up Nick’s sides, coming to rest on either side of his ribs. Nick’s chest heaved and he bowed his head, hands clenched into fists as they rested against Kellogg’s chest. 

He took a deep breath, sucking it in through his teeth, before letting it out and falling down against Kellogg’s chest. “The real Nick died a long time ago. I’m… not a real human, and I never was. I’m just some sorry excuse for a machine.” 

Kellogg was silent, a hand resting at the small of his back. He didn’t move, the only evidence time hadn’t stopped was the loud beating of their hearts counterpoint. “What do you want me to say?” 

“Don’t say anything. You wouldn’t understand.” Nick’s fingers pulled a fistful of his shirt into his hand and squeezed it.

“You’re right.” Kellogg snorted, both hands settling on either side of Nick’s spine, and he sniffed wetly, “God forbid I want to help.” 

Nick turned his head, nestling in the crook of his neck. “I don’t want your damn help.” 

He made a sound of disgust and ran his blunt nails down the fabric of Nick’s shirt, feeling the detective’s heart hammering away under his hand. Kellogg sat up, his back against the side of the desk, and Nick gripped him tighter. He brought up a knee, shifting so he was comfortable. Nick was settled against his chest, the loose fabric of Kellogg’s shirt still in his fist. He was balanced in the mercenary’s lap, knees dangling on either side of his waist. Nick breathed in the sweat and leather scent of him, quietly doubting what he really wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow the only chapter without porn i feel like this is a milestone lmfao


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my shortest chapter yet, and I hate everything they're so cute and I hate it lmao

Nick swung his leg over to the opposite side, turning in the mercenary's lap. He was almost held bridal style, and Kellogg's hand settled just under his knee, thumb smoothing along the side of his leg. He shivered in his touch, and leaned closer. 

"Comfortable?" Kellogg taunted him, sarcastic as he squeezed Nick’s calf, a surprisingly tender motion. "Don't get up on my account." 

Nick didn't answer, only curling closer to him. "How do you put up with so much?"

"I don't." His other hand hovered somewhere behind Nick's back, warm against his spine. "I just kind of like having you around, and putting a bullet in your skull would put a damper on that." 

"I'm flattered." Nick replied, deadpan. "Does this apply to everyone you know?" 

"As long as some of 'em are useful." Kellogg retorted, bending his knee so Nick's back could rest against it. He draped his arm across Nick's back, leaning his elbow on his knee. 

Nick was comfortable like this, despite himself. He hated how easily Kellogg fell into this domestic role, a perfect fit for every single thing Nick needed. He knew how that had to be Nora's doing - no matter how hard he tried he couldn't hate her the way he hated the lingering heat of Kellogg's hand slung low on his back. Each gentle touch sent a white hot pang of hate low in his chest, and Nick closed his eyes, his words a scornful drawl. “Useful? Is that what you call it?” 

Kellogg twined an arm around his waist, fingers absently dancing along the bottom hem of Nick’s shirt. “What else would you call it?” 

“I would suggest a thing called  _ friends _ , but I know you don’t have any of those.” 

“Your sharp tongue’s gonna get you killed someday.” Kellogg drew him closer, a hand slipping under the loose hem of his shirt, and he bit back a laugh when Nick took a breath, holding it when Kellogg’s palm smoothed through the coarse hair on his chest, lingering where his heart pounded. 

“Good riddance. Maybe then I can get some peace and quiet without you. “ Nick sighed, letting out the breath he was holding. 

“Psh. Peace and quiet, my ass. You don’t get anything when you’re dead.” His voice was a purr against Nick’s ear. 

“You would know, wouldn’t you?” He answered, and Kellogg’s hand dropped from his chest. 

His mouth curved down in a cruel frown, and Nick stiffened, anticipating  _ something. _ He hated this - that split second of eternity where he wasn’t sure what Kellogg would do. He couldn’t tell whether the mercenary was angry or upset. 

“Not really. That’s the nature of being dead.” Kellogg sounded nonchalant, and it sent a shiver down his spine. His mouth traced a line down the back of his neck, and Nick groaned under his breath, cock stirring in his pants. Kellogg’s other hand worked its way to open his fly, and he shoved his trousers down. Nick’s breathing hitched when Kellogg ran a hand along his quickly filling erection, and he shifted before spreading his legs. 

Nick turned again, facing away. His knees were bent on either side of Kellogg's hips, back against the unmoving surface of Kellogg’s solid chest, and he was hard beneath him. 

"There's some in the drawer." Nick hissed when Kellogg made a request for lube. He listened as Kellogg drew the desk open and rifled through his papers. Nick thought he heard a sharp intake of breath from Kellogg, and then the drawer was shoved closed. 

"Found it." He announced, triumphant, before popping it open and squeezing out a dollop. Nick winced, unprepared for the cold sensation. A long moan was drawn from his lips as soon as the mercenary sank two fingers into him. He shifted, pushing back, needing more than just being spread. Kellogg chuckled and made sure to avoid the spot that made Nick shout, swiping past it with only seconds of contact as he twisted his fingers, curling them just right. 

Nick clasped his hand over his mouth to keep from being loud and whined, digging his teeth into his fingers as he stuck them in his mouth. He needed it, the pain was grounding, gave him something to focus on when he didn’t want to lose it so quickly. He didn’t want to give Kellogg the satisfaction. Under the sound of the blood rushing in his ears, he noted the sound of Kellogg undoing his fly and then he was tugged backward.

Kellogg pulled him down hard, and he slowly slid down the length of Kellogg's slick cock. He moaned, bowed forward as Kellogg snapped his hips up behind him. 

His hands took hold of the tops of Nick's arms and Kellogg used it as leverage to start going faster. With a cry, Nick clenched tighter around the intrusion, arms pulled behind his back. He was at Kellogg's mercy and the hot breath on the back of his neck served to remind him every time Kellogg lifted him off his cock and drew Nick back down that this was not his time to be in charge. 

The mercenary released one of his arms and he let it fall forward, holding himself up as Kellogg slowed down just enough that it was Nick who started riding him faster, desperate for touch. It must have been his plan all along because Kellogg released his other arm. Both hands were outstretched in front of him, splayed on the ground between his open thighs. It was how he kept his balance as he rode Kellogg slowly, sliding up and down his thick cock with some difficulty. 

Kellogg pressed an open mouth to Nick's shoulder, his free hand snaking around to Nick's straining erection. A strangled cry burst from him when Kellogg wrapped a slick palm around the head. He wasn't used to not having to look at him as he supported his own whole weight. It felt wrong somehow, as if this was some stranger. A delicious thrill of arousal coursed through him at the thought and his erection twitched in Kellogg's hand. 

"You're getting off on reverse cowgirl, who knew this was your thing." Kellogg muttered thickly in his ear, and he suppressed a shiver. "Or is it how you're doing all the work." 

"Shut up." Nick breathed, body sensitive. 

"Mm, make me." Kellogg had his mouth on the crook of his throat, and when he sucked stars exploded in front of Nick's vision. A weak cry was drawn from his lips and he was unrelenting, rocking down faster, so very eager to feel him inside. He leaned further forward, arms straining as he moved down against Kellogg. 

“I wish I could.” Nick fought to get the words out, body clenching around him as his eyelids fluttered shut from the pleasure threatening to overtake him, the pressure making his temples pound, body so close. “Oh, you son of a bitch, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.” It became a repeated litany, muttered under Nick’s breath as Kellogg folded his arms around his waist, not letting him pull too far away as his hips pumped upward, meeting Nick’s movement as he bounced. 

“Yeah,  _ fuck _ . Keep saying that. Makes it so much better when you’re begging me to let you come.” He tightened his hand around Nick’s erection, and Nick knew he was serious. It was soon too much, and his voice broke when he let out a breathless moan. 

“Oh, God,  _ please,”  _ Nick called, back arching perfectly as his arm hooked around the back of Kellogg’s neck, and a sharp whine broke free from his lips as he came into the mercenary’s hand. Kellogg attacked the side of his throat, biting and leaving what Nick knew would turn into bruises later, hips pistoning without a real rhythm, until the tension broke, and he came with a shuddering groan under his breath, pushing deep into him, squeezing Nick tight around his middle, arm flexed. The detective let out another soft cry, struggling to catch his breath. He swallowed, gasping for breath when he pulled out, falling slack. 

Kellogg released him, and Nick fell back against him. He tilted his head back, groaning under his breath. “How are you so good at this?” 

“You think all I do is killing?” Kellogg breathed against his ear, mouth pressed overwhelmingly close. A low laugh made its way up from his chest and he took the shell of his ear into his mouth. 

Nick winced, exhausted. “I’m sure you have other base urges you take care of.” 

“The way you say that sounds like  _ you _ don’t. I was in your head, Valentine.” He murmured, wiping his hand clean on Nick’s coat where it hung from the chair near them. 

“No one wanted a broken down synth halfway to the dump.” Nick answered, listening to Kellogg’s heartbeat. It was steady, as it always was. Even when he was exerting himself, it was even, as if he didn’t ever break a sweat. 

“Nobody?” Kellogg lifted his chin with a finger, drawing his face closer. Nick shrugged away from his touch, and pushed off of him, getting to his feet. There was a trickle of cooling stickiness on the back of his legs and he frowned, pulling a drawer open and taking a small hand towel out. He leaned against the desk, cleaning himself off. 

“Don’t give me that bullshit.” Nick declared, throwing the towel at him. “You only want me because Nora  _ ordered _ you to.” 

“Is that what you think?” Kellogg stood, snatching the towel off his chest, and taking a threatening step toward him. Nick bristled, but didn’t stand down, staring at him, brow furrowed. He took a breath and Kellogg moved closer, their bodies almost touching. The mercenary studied his expression. “She thinks this is a waste of time, that you’re some tossed out garbage. A failed experiment.” 

Nick’s chest ached, and he could feel the tightness rising in his throat. He swallowed hard around the lump that arose, and let his gaze drop. “Don’t say that.” 

Kellogg worked his mouth, mulling over his words, before opening it to speak again. “Look, you can’t say I was ordered to do something when she didn’t even know until after she found Shaun. She… suspected. Had some of the fluids from your old shell tested. And when she found out, she thought she could use it to her advantage.” Kellogg took hold of his wrist, voice a grumble. “I’m nobody’s lapdog. I hate that bitch for thinking she could just order me around like she had right to. The Institute lost that right when they tossed me out like some useless trash.” 

He stared, listening to Kellogg speak, unable to believe what he was hearing. Something about his words was sincere, and he knew he didn’t matter to Nora as much as he thought he did, but still. Nick didn’t want to believe it. “Then what are you trying to say?” 

Kellogg released his wrist roughly, throwing it down. “Never mind.” He watched Nick settle back, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Are you leaving?” It was phrased like a question, but Kellogg knew he meant it as a statement, by the tilt of his head and the way his side was resting against the edge of his desk. 

“Not unless you want me to stay, but you made yourself clear enough.” He stepped away, and went for the door. Nick took a step, ready to follow him but stopped. Kellogg flexed his fingers at his sides, and Nick could see he was hesitating, about to do  _ something _ . He shifted from foot to foot, moving toward Kellogg. 

“Why are you stopping?” Nick stood in front of him. He wanted to cringe back when Kellogg lifted his hand, fingers catching on the edge of his jaw. Nick’s eyes settled closed despite himself, the contact somehow soothing. Kellogg leaned in, pressing their mouths together, speaking right against his mouth. “You’re the most clueless detective I’ve ever met.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i dedicate this chapter to SP whose INS oc i borrowed for a reference lmfao

 

Nick eyed him with trepidation. "What is that supposed to mean?" 

He gave him a once over, and Nick noticed the mercenary was staring. Kellogg's lips twitched and Nick was prepared for another answer that would send him reeling. 

"Or is this just denial?" Kellogg's voice was low, mouth pressed to the corner of his jaw. 

"It isn't  _ anything _ ." Nick insisted, pulling back from him. His face felt hot when Kellogg managed to look him in the eye. "I don't know what delusions you're suffering under but I don't want any part in this."

"No, didn't think you would." Kellogg took a step away, and somehow that didn't make Nick feel any better. His chest felt tight and he let out a soft pained sound when he inhaled, catching the mercenary's attention. "Don't want  _ anything _ at all to do with this." His tone was rough, and Nick found it hurt to look at him. Kellogg took in a deep breath, and held it, shoulders squared. He spoke again, sounding more weary than Nick gave him credit for. "Are we still done or can I expect you to show up uninvited again?" 

"You know my answer." Nick folded his arms over his chest. 

"Will that change in a week without me?" Kellogg sneered, and it sounded far less threatening than Nick figured he wanted to sound. He raised his fingers to the side of his throat, where a shiny red scar still lingered. Kellogg's gaze followed. "I should have shot you the first time you showed up on my doorstep." 

"You should have." He agreed, taking a step toward him. Nick blinked, but that was the closest he got to revealing weakness. Kellogg cocked his head to the side, tilting his gaze toward where Nick’s hand lingered on the healing bite. “Does it hurt?” 

Nick knit his brow, worrying his lip to keep from saying what he wanted to say, words sticking. “No.” 

He clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth, taking another step to come around Nick. “You wish it did, don’t you?” Nick didn’t answer, but his face burned to know how transparent he was, how easily Kellogg could guess about him.

“Why do you care?” Nick snapped, words clipped. “You still would be fine with hurting me if I didn’t want it.” 

Kellogg sucked at his teeth, gaze falling down to the floor and back up at Nick’s face, before backing off. The silence that settled between them was deafening. Nick almost preferred it when he was up close, his presence a wordless threat. 

“If I had the intent to hurt you bad enough, I would have done it already.” Kellogg’s voice was subdued, and Nick’s look burned through him. “You would be nothing but scrap.” 

“I  _ was _ nothing but scrap!” Nick swiped his hand across the space between them, “If you care to remember,  _ you _ made me like that.” 

Kellogg stiffened, and Nick knew he had gotten to the core of it. “You didn’t stop me.” 

“I didn’t think I had to.” Nick answered, watching Kellogg’s reaction. He didn’t get a rise out of him, but somehow the reaction he had garnered was just enough. He paused, and took a breath: “I wanted you to keep going, and you did.” 

“That I did.” Kellogg turned to look at him. “What are you getting at?”

“How can you claim to be so in tune with what I want?” Nick hesitated, thinking over his words carefully. 

“I never claimed to be anything, pal.” Kellogg reached a hand out as if to shove him but pulled back at the last second, thinking better of it. “Every single thing you’ve said about me is all conjecture, some kind of bullshit you want to believe, because you don’t want to face the goddamn music.” 

“If there’s  _ anything _ I don’t want to face -- its you.” He spat, and Kellogg growled under his breath, taking hold of Nick’s forearm. The detective breathed hard through his open mouth, watching Kellogg with a feral look. “You just waltz right into my life and then proceed to make yourself at home. I never wanted this.” He couldn’t help the tremble that threaded its way through his voice. “I still don’t want this.” 

Kellogg’s jaw flexed and he knew the mercenary was considering his words. It was a long moment before Kellogg spoke again. “All you think about is yourself. Did you ever once think about what I want?” 

“No!” Nick said it at once, jerking his arm back, the word always at the tip of his tongue. “I don’t care what you wanted, what you want now. What you  _ need _ is to be put down again. You  _ need _ to leave me alone.” 

Kellogg held his tongue, and Nick stared, gaze hard. “Why aren’t you denying it? No sharp remark?” He exhaled slow, and the tense coil of his shoulders loosened. “You know this is burning out. You can feel it, can’t you?” 

Nick could see where the mercenary’s hands clenched into fists, the way the tendons flexed and jumped when he spoke. “That isn’t what you want.” 

“What does it matter what I want?” 

He exhaled slow, mouth pressed together in a grim line. He tilted his head back, as if contemplating the idea of outright telling Nick the truth. 

“Well?” Nick backed up, and the wall at his back made him gasp. He bit down on his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth. Kellogg took one ominous step toward him and Nick turned his head, expecting him to close the distance between them. 

“Why do you think it fell to me to keep an eye on you? Out of all of the possible synths, it came down to me.” He was standing still, and the anticipation of the moment of action was making Nick twitch. “When she shoved you in that new fleshy body of yours, did you ever once stop to think maybe Nora managed to put in some secret programming?” 

Nick’s skin crawled, and the feeling of having been violated was stronger now than ever. “Are you trying to tell me she did?” 

Kellogg didn’t answer. “Do you doubt she’d do something like that?” 

He stopped in his tracks, considering Kellogg’s words. “She’s done worse, has’t she?” 

Kellogg opened his mouth to respond, got half a word out and then recoiled as if slapped before he fell silent. Nick's expression crumpled and his breathing hitched. "You can't tell me, can you?"

"You remind me of someone I used to know. Always prying for answers, and when he found out some bullshit he didn't like, he acted as if it was a secret  _ I _ was keeping from him personally." Kellogg was staring at him, and Nick didn't particularly enjoy the way it made his chest ache. 

"I didn't think you ever had friends." 

" _ Friends _ isn't the word I'd use." The mercenary paused, gaze tearing from Nick's with a finality that felt sudden. 

"Who was it?" Nick didn't expect him to answer. He was right. Kellogg scoffed, and took a slow step, foot landing square between Nick's shoes. 

"Doesn't matter. It was somewhere around thirty years ago."

Nick’s face curled into a snarl, “No, I didn’t think it did. Does anything matter to you?” 

“Why don’t you tell me?” Kellogg had a threatening hand hovering just at the edge of Nick’s throat. He wanted him to tighten his grip, to clamp down hard enough to leave marks. “Do you think this matters, or is this just another party trick?” He let his palm skim up the dusky skin of Nick’s throat, catching on his jaw. “You’re not the first person I fucked just like this, pal.” 

“I’ll be the last.” The detective’s head tilted back, and he regarded him with a sick look. 

A low chuckle sounded from Kellogg’s throat, and it sounded raw, like he was thinly suppressing anger, or maybe that was hurt again, rearing it’s ugly head the only way Kellogg knew how to show it. “Want me to tell you how I took another egghead scientist just like this?” Kellogg’s fingers pressed into Nick’s cheeks, squishing them. “Had her bent over her desk.” He let his hand drop from Nick’s throat, instead crossing behind him. Nick led a slow march back to his desk, hands splayed over the surface as Kellogg’s palm danced its way down his spine. He shoved the detective forward in one liquid movement, and Nick let out a sound of surprise as he was bent forward against the cold metal. 

Kellogg had a hand curved around the edge of Nick’s trousers as he wedged them down slow. The detective pretended not to notice, staring stoically at the wall away from him. He swallowed hard and Kellogg noted it, hand pressing down on his back, feeling the muscles writhe beneath the thin fabric. Nick kept his thighs tight together, despite the uncomfortably growing erection. Kellogg took a breath and held it, drawing a finger up between his legs, pressing incessantly into him. He was still slick inside, and it was only a few seconds before Kellogg had him panting, hips rolling little circles back against his touch. His lips were pressed tight together and he was desperate not to give Kellogg the satisfaction of hearing him moan, the very thought of Kellogg having his way with someone else besides him lending a burning to settle somewhere below his heart. 

“Gonna stay silent?” He murmured, leaning in somewhere above Nick’s back. “Suit yourself. You won’t come until you beg for it.” 

Nick didn’t answer. 

“The Institute girl I fucked wouldn’t shut up, I had to gag her with her own shirt, could you imagine?” He ran his fingers through the soft dark hairs at the nape of Nick’s neck, and Nick turned his head away at the feeling. It was too sweet, too loving, and it turned Nick's stomach. He chuckled low again and it sent Nick reeling, rocking back hard against his finger and writhing without cease when the way he shifted his hips sent a pleasurable jolt of friction up his spine. He could feel where Nick trembled, the pleasure almost too much at once. His dick twitched and Kellogg had an overwhelming urge to just shove into him. The anticipation was making the mercenary shake, as he easily pulled his erection free from his own pants, and pressed into him at once. Nick drew in a sharp breath and held it, hips rocking against Kellogg’s own. 

“Had her begging to let me take her, just,” Each word was punctuated by a thrust of his hips, “like, this.” Nick moved with him despite his best attempts to keep still. All of his breath was knocked out of him when Kellogg thrust hard, sending him crashing down against the desk. He was holding Nick down with both hands down on his shoulders. Nick clawed at the metal surface. He whined, unable to stand up as Kellogg used him. 

“Kellogg,  _ please _ .” He managed to speak, forced down against the desk. He needed to be touched, desperately. His erection tented his trousers, and a wet spot had begun to gather where the head pressed out at attention. One hand flew behind him to take hold of Kellogg’s wrist, attempting to wrench one of his arms off Nick’s waist. He allowed Nick to pull his arm closer, and Nick’s voice broke when the mercenary closed his fist around Nick’s cock. He whined, body pressing upward as Kellogg rammed him faster. Kellogg squeezed the head hard enough that Nick had drawn up close to him, body clenching faster and harder around him as he pulled out and rammed him without any clear rhythm, and Nick knew he was so close. 

“A-ah, Conrad--!  _ Conrad _ ! Oh god,  _ Connie, I need it! Please! _ ” The name spilled from his lips before he could stop the words, voice aching and desperate and somehow not his words but someone else’s, someone long dead. Kellogg’s grip grew tighter like steel as he spilled out inside him, hot seed filling him up. It hurt, just like the way his own climax tore through him, leaving him a wreck, and he knew he had hit some part of Kellogg’s personality that was deep beneath everything else, a blow that he somehow was afraid would change everything about their interactions up until that point.

“Don’t you dare say that name again.” Kellogg’s lips were on his ear, breath hot. “That isn’t something you can call me.  _ Ever _ .” Nick could feel where Kellogg’s fingers had traveled up his spine, coming to rest at the nape of his neck again. He exhaled, feeling where the mercenary dug his fingertips into the tendons that stood out in relief beneath his sticky skin. Nick didn’t move, fingers flexing on the surface of his desk. He wondered if he should mention that he had half-remembered from a fever dream that that was what Kellogg loved to hear from Sarah, that he loved to hear from everyone he bothered to make love to instead of rutting like an animal. He wondered what had possessed him to say it, his voice breaking with need, the way it made Kellogg’s whole body seize with pleasure as it brought him to his orgasm. He found he liked that reaction it garnered from the mercenary, the way Kellogg's anger, or maybe hurt again, or perhaps _both;_ one that segued into the other until they were unrecognizable burned so hot Nick could feel it too. 


	15. Chapter 15

He licked his lips, as he pulled out. Nick could tell he was finding the words to say, jaw flexing, working in anger. He wanted Kellogg to get mad, to pummel him against the beaten metal of the desk. He knew he deserved worse than that. 

Instead, Kellogg withdrew, shoulders heaving. “Don’t..  _ Ever,”  _ Kellogg spoke, and took a moment to steady his voice. Nick could not believe the way he sounded. “ _ Ever  _ say that to me again.” 

Nick pushed back off the desk, standing up with some difficulty. He felt sticky and sore, the front of his pants wet. “I hope it hurt.” 

Kellogg’s fingers tightened at the back of his neck, squeezing enough to send shivers down his spine but not enough to leave a bruise. “You really want me to hate you, don’t you?” 

“Do you?” Nick asked, not turning to face him as he fixed his trousers. 

He inhaled sharply, and Nick expected him to respond, but the sharp remark never came. He breathed, taking his time. “You got any cigarettes? I know you gotta have some around..” Kellogg’s voice sounded dry, and Nick fumbled in the desk before passing the beaten up pack to him. The mercenary palmed the pack, lifting a cigarette to his lips. He allowed Nick to strike a match, letting the tip catch with a silent crackle. 

“Thanks.” He exhaled, the stale smoke clouding around their heads. 

Nick took a cigarette, bringing the filter to his lips and facing Kellogg for once. He lit the end of his own cigarette off the mercenary’s, a hand up in guidance. Kellogg’s eyes flicked toward his own and Nick outright refused to look up at him despite feeling Kellogg’s gaze on his face. 

He took a shaky breath through his teeth, the dim glow of the cigarettes illuminating their faces. “What do I have to do to get you to leave me be?” He asked it softly, eyes glancing up to Kellogg’s closed off expression. The mercenary exhaled, holding the filter close to his mouth. He caught a look at Nick, and the detective could feel the heat from the lit ember as he moved closer. His eyes settled closed, head tilted to the side facing away from him. Nick could feel the heat draw close, and he wished Kellogg would just jam the burning cigarette into his skin. Maybe then this foreign guilty feeling would go away. 

“You know we both don’t want that.” Kellogg let his knuckles skim the edge of Nick’s cheek. "Speak for yourself." Nick let Kellogg's rough hand scrape down the side of his face, calluses rasping down his smooth skin, before it came to rest on his shoulder, wrist angled away so the detective wouldn't be burned by the cigarette that still lingered between his fingers. 

"It’s too late for that, Nicky." He spoke after some consideration, and Nick made a face of disgust at the nickname, more annoyed at that than the arm snaking around his narrow hips. "You already dug your grave. How long's it gonna take until you lie in it?"

"You don't know me as well as you think you do." 

A low laugh burst up from his mouth. "Yeah? I'm not betting on whether or not I know you; I'm wondering when the inevitable hits and you admit it."

“The inevitable.” Nick repeated, searching his worn face. “What does  _ the inevitable _ mean to you?” 

“What the fuck do you think it means?” Kellogg reached past him and ashed the cigarette out on his desk, before casting a glance at his expression. 

He stopped, holding his breath, as if watching Kellogg’s reaction. There was a beat of silence, the mercenary’s hand trawling slow along Nick’s side as it returned to where he was holding him.

“Have you stopped drawing Jenny?” He bowed his head, conceding that he couldn’t answer Kellogg’s question, that he didn’t even want to consider what else it could mean, the raw ache uncurling coldly in his chest. 

Kellogg froze, and Nick automatically knew the answer. “What about me?” 

“What about you?” He was avoiding the question, and Nick felt the merc’s hand on his side twitch, tugging at a fold of the loose shirt draped over his belt. 

“You. Drawing me. Have you stopped that too?” He felt his face being lifted, and knew Kellogg was touching his cheek. Nick avoided his dark gaze like it burned him, staring at the corner of the room. “I’m not going to find any new surprises tucked in my coat pockets, am I?” 

Kellogg shifted, and Nick was unsure what his answer would be. It was the indecision that seemed to stop time, and Nick never knew what Kellogg was thinking in moments like this. The mercenary exhaled, and Nick breathed in, holding it. “I learned my lesson the first time letting you see it.” 

That wasn’t the response he was waiting for, and all the air whooshed out of his lungs in a rush. Kellogg’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Why? What kind of satisfaction could you possibly get out of drawing this  _ weak _ ,  _ human _ body?” Nick asked, the words spilling out of him too fast for him to stop. His heart was pounding in his throat, and he felt sick, bile burning up a path through his throat. 

“I wasn’t joking when I said I could get used to looking at you.” 

Nick’s breath came in short shuddering gasps, and he rubbed his mouth with the fleshy heel of his hand, unable to even consider it, trying to hide the downward curve of his lips. He lifted his cigarette to his lips to hide the way his breath hitched at Kellogg's words.

“This isn’t love. It’s not anywhere near close enough. I know  _ love _ , I’ve been in love once.” Kellogg stood stock still, noting how his words sent Nick into a panic. “This,” he sighed, and Nick turned to look at him, “I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want it to stop, and I know you don’t either.” 

He looked back at Kellogg, startled. “You…” 

“Yeah, me.” Kellogg took him closer, and Nick pulled at his upper arms, stiffly dragging him in, and pressing their mouths together like he’d been longing to do it all night. 

Kellogg let out a low groan, his broad hand catching at Nick’s cheek as the detective’s grip tightened on his arms, sliding down to his forearms. He took hold of Nick’s ass and  _ squeezed.  _ The detective made a sound halfway between a moan and a cry of shock, before pressing him against the wall. 

Nick had him pinned to the wall, hands clutching his wrists in front of him. Their mouths met for a second again, like a breath of fresh air after resurfacing from underwater, before departing, and as if by magnetism were drawn back together. Nick wanted to take hold of his thick jaw, to plunder his mouth, seeking out each little mystery but Kellogg’s hands were held tight in front of him. Kellogg had to have known, and he released his wrist, hand clamping down on his bicep. He huffed, exhaling slowly as the merc pulled back. Nick let his hand rest on the back of Kellogg's neck, as he averted his gaze. "You made your point." 

"I think some more persuasion may be necessary." The faintest of smiles crossed his lips and Nick allowed him purchase, reeling him in closer, lifting his head to let Kellogg catch his lips with his own.

"Conrad," he breathed, tasting the word, letting himself get accustomed to how it felt in his mouth. A sting of pain wrung its way through his chest, and Kellogg paused, holding still. He froze there. 

"Everyone who ever called me Connie is dead." 

"I understand if you want me to stop." Nick answered, head tilted down toward Kellogg's. 

He didn't answer, tilting his head to the side and finding purchase in the slack of Nick's mouth. Kellogg's fingers took hold of the flat planes of his hips, and Nick couldn't help but cant his body toward the unmoving solidity of Kellogg, a languid ache unfurling somewhere in his chest like a flower toward the sun 

"But that doesn't mean I'm going to." He muttered against the merc's mouth. Kellogg's lips quirked up, more of a snarl than a smile, but he didn't respond, taking Nick's bottom lip between his teeth and pulling just hard enough for the detective to chase after, mouths meeting in the middle. 

"If I wanted you to stop, I'd get you to stop. Trust me." Kellogg swiped a thumb under Nick's waistband, catching on his jutting hipbone. He hissed at the contact, and closed his golden eyes. 

"Is that a threat?"

"More like a promise." Kellogg answered, and let out a sharp laugh. Nick held his breath, stomach clenching anxiously. 

"You haven't done anything to me yet." 

"Are you prompting me to hurt you?" Kellogg's fingers smoothed across the muscles of his abdomen. "You couldn't just ask?"

Nick tensed, his mouth open. "I'm not in the habit of asking for something you're going to do anyway." 

"So you say."

Nick closed his mouth, letting out a soft breath. "You think I'm going to die too, if I use your name. Is that it?" 

"I don't have to answer that." Kellogg shifted back, letting the tails of Nick's shirt fall back down. Nick turned away, lifting the cigarette to his lips. 

It was irrational, sure, but nothing about this was  _ rational _ . Nick had him stuck. 

"What I am trying to figure is whether you don't want me saying it because you think I'll die or you don’t want me saying it just because."

"I don't want you saying my damn name because--" He stopped, the words itching to be spoken "Because it's making this  _ arrangement _ sound like something it isn't."

"It sure looks like something to me." Nick added coolly, regarding him with an appraising glance, one that lingered, and the merc noticed how Nick’s gold eyes followed every line of his body. "Arrangement or not." 

Kellogg huffed, taking another step away from Nick."And what does it look like?"

"You're cutting yourself off from me, facing away like that."

"And you're the big body language expert." 

Nick blew a cloud of smoke and it settled around them before he looked up at Kellogg, frowning. "I know more about it than you do." 

"Mm. You learn that through dealing with people."

"This "arrangement" is all it is. You could call it friends with benefits but you and I are not friends." Nick spoke, thinking on his words. His face felt hot, and the cold ache in his chest was incessant, pressing in on his lungs and making it feel hard to breathe. 

Kellogg scoffed, but didn't say any more. 

Nick glanced to him, brow furrowed. "Got something to say to that?" 

"No." 

Nick settled where he stood. "Right."

"What are we then?" Kellogg turned to regard him, mouth pressed in a thin line. He had an elbow cocked at his side, leaning against the desk. “Tell me right now, what you think this, this _fucking_ _bullshit_ is.” His hand hit the dented metal of the desk and Nick jumped at the sound. “I can’t stand you, I can’t stand how you just dance around the subject like it’s nothing.” 

Nick took a step toward him, and his words came out scathing. “We’re not  _ lovers _ , we’re not  _ friends _ , and this never should have happened.” 

“No, but it’s happening  _ now _ , so we can either fight it or let it happen.” Kellogg’s palm smoothed across his hip, catching around the side of his waist. 

Nick covered his hand with his own, feeling Kellogg’s other hand come to a stop just at the small of his back. “You say that like it’s an easy thing.” He edged his hips closer, letting the merc pull his body against his own. 

“You’re not fighting me right now. I’d say that’s a start.” Kellogg’s hands slid down his back, coming to rest right on his ass. Nick’s face colored and he pretended not to notice when the mercenary eased their bodies together, taking a long moment to grind Nick’s pelvis against his own. The detective fought a low groan, mouth open. He took advantage of it and plunged closer, tongue bumping Nick’s teeth. Nick’s mouth opened wider, and he tilted his head to the side to make the most of it, their tongues swiping together, bodies moving in tandem. Kellogg plucked the cigarette from his numb fingers and put it out, before casting a wild grin the detective’s direction.

Nick only pulled back an inch, breathing hard. His words came out quietly. "I'm not going to fight you on this."

"Uh-huh." Kellogg listened to him breathe, Nick's hands coming to rest at the tops of his arms again. "You have to have a bed, right?" He pulled Nick in nearer, nuzzling his jaw. 

Nick groaned under his breath when Kellogg took his earlobe into his mouth. He bit down and the groan escalated into a whine, Nick's hips pistoning all of a sudden toward him. 

"Sounds like you can't wait that long."

"Behind the door is my bed." Nick answered, feeling hot all over. He needed Kellogg to bite him again, the rush of pain and pleasure something he knew he needed. 

"Getting sick of fucking anywhere but an actual bed?" Kellogg taunted, pulling away suddenly. The loss of contact was too much and Nick took hold of his arms and marched him to the bed. Backing up onto the mattress, Nick let Kellogg climb on up close. Neither were undressed yet, but Kellogg had a vice grip around Nick's waist, grinding down against the detective's hard-on. His hips rocked up, their erections pressing together, hot and hard, when Kellogg moved opposite. He still had an iron hold on Kellogg's arms, fingers traveling up his shoulders and to his face. He laced his fingers behind the merc's head, letting Kellogg tear his pants down. The muscles in his legs jumped, and Kellogg ran a rough palm over his thighs before separating them again. 

He held his breath, watching as Kellogg spat in his hand before pushing two hot fingers into him and  _ twisting _ them. A ragged shout was dragged up from his throat and the flush on his face traveled down the line of his neck as he tilted his head back, the tendons in his neck standing out in stark relief down past the open collar of his shirt. Kellogg had the sudden urge to rasp his tongue along his throat, biting down just above his adam's apple and acted just so, feeling the detective writhe beneath him. 

Nick's chest heaved, and he looked down at where Kellogg's fingers pressed into him so easily, face hot. Nick's knees bunched up, closer to his chest, and his cock stood at attention, dripping down. Kellogg's free hand closed around his erection, and Nick whined, digging his heels into the mattress. His thighs shook with the overwhelming pleasure, and he couldn't help the sob that escaped him as Kellogg wrung him out, squeezing each sound from him with the slick push and pull of his body. 

"Shit, I really could get used to seeing you like this, all ready and waiting for me," he muttered, mouth on his pulse. "Ready for more?" 

Nick nodded, swallowing hard, unable to get the words out as Kellogg's fingers pulled out, leaving him gaping, open to him.

A desperate whine broke free as Kellogg sank into him to the hilt, sheathed so perfectly, and Nick clawed at his shoulders, mouth an oh. His voice hitched and Nick was pressed down against the mattress, legs brought up toward his chest. The merc ran a hand along the underside of his thigh, palm catching on the tender inside of his knee. 

The angle was straining, but Nick didn’t care. The ache was welcome, taking his pleasure higher and higher. Kellogg’s fingers crept along his legs, and he pressed a kiss to the inside of Nick’s calf. His face burned hotter than before at that, and Nick’s breath shook. Kellogg leaned in, hips pumping faster, and the angle sent shockwaves through him, thighs quaking.

Nick jerked him forward, getting the merc closer. His legs fell sideways, still bent at the knee to let him close the gap between them. Kellogg's hand fell just beside Nick's head, where he was supporting his weight. The detective groaned in frustration, he was still not close enough for their mouths to meet. 

Kellogg's body crashed down against his slowly, hips rocking. Nick crooked his arm around Kellogg's neck, his free hand at first stopping at the mercenary's lithe shoulder before making its shaky way down to his hips. It made a pathetic attempt to force Kellogg's thrusts harder, but he knew that's what he wanted just from the touch alone.

It burned, and Nick's voice drew louder, a crescendo as he managed to yank Kellogg's face closer to his own. His mouth pressed to the merc's, seeking out the eager little things that made Kellogg's hips stutter in their steady rolling. Each swipe of Nick's tongue across the inside of his mouth, tasting tobacco smoke, sent Kellogg further and further from the rhythm he started with, and they both knew it wouldn't be much longer now. 

He slowed the desperate rolling of his hips, watching how Nick's expression changed. His gold eyes opened, casting a weak glance up at him.

Each gentle roll of his hips sent a spike of pleasure through him, mouth a perfect o, and Kellogg cracked a grin at Nick's face. "I think I could do this for the rest of my life, if you wanted me to."

The detective didn't answer, instead tugging the merc right on top of him. The lack of space between them, the sticky heat of their bodies moving in time, was overwhelming and Nick had trouble concentrating on anything else. Nick gasped aloud, clutching at him, and pressed his face to the muscle of Kellogg's shoulder, mouth on the cord of his neck. He was so close, his climax threatening to overtake him. Nick's blunt nails scratched down the back of his neck, and the resulting sound the merc made sent him over the edge. He clung to Kellogg, each quick little piston of his hips sending come painting them both. 

" _ Fuck _ ," he breathed, right in Nick's ear as his thrusting picked up. His rhythm was long gone, their bodies pressed together tight as Nick looped his legs up around his muscular ass. 

"I want you to finish," the detective swallowed, the words coming with some difficulty. "I want to watch you come." 

"Yeah?" Kellogg asked, breathless, before rising up over him and rolling his hips fast. There was the slightest flush to his face and Nick wondered why he hadn't noticed it before. Kellogg bared his teeth as he came, really pushing into him, mouth curled into a triumphant snarl. 

The detective winced, the weight of exhaustion swiftly falling upon him. Kellogg only seemed winded, breathing hard as he collapsed on top of him. 

They lay like that, silent in the afterglow for a few minutes. Their hearts beating loud in syncopated time the only sound to be heard, and Nick relinquished his grip, letting Kellogg pull out once more. He lay beside the detective, glancing his way.

Nick settled against him, quiet, still sticky. Kellogg threw an arm around his shoulders, holding him close. His eyes were shut and his breathing evened but Nick was sure he wasn't asleep yet.

He let out a quiet breath, and sat up on his elbow, just looking at him. "I don't hate you." 

"Didn't think you  _ did _ \- not ever. Curiosity, maybe. Disgust, even. But not hate." Kellogg answered to his surprise. "What kind of a man willingly kills people for money and doesn't lose himself in the process?" He added, feeling Nick take a shaky breath. 

"A question I didn't want to know the answer to." Nick spoke in a small voice, feeling at a loss.

“No, you wouldn’t.” Kellogg’s voice was matter of fact, and his fingers twitched at Nick’s back, absently running them back and forth across the line of Nick’s shoulder. “I don’t blame you for thinking I’m a total monster.” 

Nick let out a sigh and bowed his head, averting his gaze. Kellogg shifted and put both arms around the detective, letting him settle back against his chest. His arms flexed around Nick’s back, and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

Nick considered the position they were in, the ache in his chest quieted as he listened to Kellogg’s heartbeat and wondered when it all changed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i uh accidentally ND kellogg???? i'd say whoops but im not sorry


	16. Chapter 16

Nick was asleep first, wrapped haphazardly in the blanket entangled across his legs. His shirt tails covered most of the exposed parts of him, whatever the blanket didn't manage to hide. Kellogg was caught up in his embrace. It was charming in a way, how Nick looked while sleeping. His hair was mussed, falling across his forehead in dark curls. The merc was comfortable like this despite himself, despite the soul wrenching familiarity of this entire scenario. He reached out and brushed a stray hair off Nick's face and the detective started, before relaxing once more, still fast asleep. He nestled closer, letting out a breathy huff right at the crook of Kellogg's neck. It was with a pang Kellogg knew he had to leave before Nick woke up again. He made it clear enough he didn't want the merc to stay. He was watching the steady rise and fall of Nick's chest, feeling his own breath come in short stilted gasps, the squeezing ache of his heart feeling tight in his chest. It would be tricky to extricate himself without waking the detective, and he didn't know how deep of a sleeper Nick was. 

Kellogg managed to peel himself away, and held his breath to monitor and gauge Nick's reaction. He fell onto his side and pulled the worn pillow closer to his chest, arms around it tight. Kellogg backed up, one step at a time. He turned to go when he knew Nick wasn't going to stir. 

"Leaving so soon?" A groggy voice called from somewhere behind him. Kellogg didn't turn, and grunted an affirmative. 

Nick tilted his head up, pressing his lips together tight, the sound of him breathing through his nose harsh and hitched. Kellogg couldn't see it but he just  _ knew _ . "Right." The merc held his tongue, letting Nick gather his thoughts. "I should have expected this from you." 

"Just returning the favor, Valentine." Kellogg spoke aloud, "How many times you left me first?" 

Nick took a deep breath and then let it go. "This time it’s different." 

"Yeah." Kellogg agreed in a quiet voice. "You still don't want me here, though. I'm not going to stay and play house here with you."

Nick bristled, the blanket falling from his body when he stood. His knees wobbled from the intense pounding he took, but he remained standing. "Is that what you think this is?"

"Why don't you tell me what it  _ is _ then, if not some fucking domestic bullshit you dreamed up?" 

"That  _ I _ dreamed up?" Nick took a step, threatening despite himself. "What is  _ wrong _ with you?"

Kellogg froze, expression darkening. "Plenty of things. You don't want me here. I'll go." 

"No." 

His breath came in short gasps again, feeling cold all over at Nick's vehement disagreement.  

"You're not going anywhere tonight. Tomorrow, if you want to go, you can go. But not now." There was a vulnerability in Nick's voice he was surprised to hear. "You're not just going to leave after this. It’s not going to go back to the way it was, no matter how much you or I want it to." 

"That's what I was afraid of." The merc muttered as an aside to himself, before considering how quickly he could close the distance between them. "Why do you want me to stay?" 

Nick wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, mulling over the words, before speaking again. "What are you so afraid of?" 

"You can't just answer a question with another question." Kellogg ignored the response. 

"You know what I think? You know this is changing instead of ending how I wanted it to, and you're scared. You're still a coward, no matter how tough you pretend to be." Nick kept going. "You're afraid of losing someone who was never yours." 

"You? I don’t know, I think if anyone belongs to anyone else it's going to be the person I fucked at least a few dozen times in the past month alone." Kellogg spat, watching Nick blanch. A dark part of him soared at the sight, and Kellogg pressed onward, much closer.

"I'm not yours." The detective breathed, feeling the overwhelming presence of the mercenary encroaching on him. His back was against the wall. 

"No." Kellogg stated at once. "I'm  _ yours _ . You got me, you got all of me." 

"I don't want you." Nick's breathing picked up at his words, head tilted back, looking down the line of his nose at the merc and Kellogg stared right back. 

"You can say that all you want but we both know that’s a lie." The merc looked him up and down. "You demand I stay and then tell me you don't want me." He shook his head, chuckling darkly. "You are a walking contradiction, pal." 

Nick's eyes narrowed and he took a step back toward the bed. Kellogg didn't follow. "If you're leaving then go. You belong to me, don't you, so I get to choose for you. Make up your mind and get out of here or come back to bed." 

His dark eyes tracked each minute movement, taking a predatory step toward Nick. "And if I just waste your time some more, then what?" 

"You're not the time wasting type." Nick gripped the footboard of his bed behind him. 

"And you know this  _ how _ exactly?" Kellogg crept closer, a hand catching at the bottom hem of his shirt. 

"I just know." Nick took his lapels in his fingers. He let Kellogg draw him in, still holding to the cool wrought iron of the bed in one hand. When their mouths met it was sweet, Kellogg's broad palm coming to rest just under the hollow of his cheekbones. It was a gentle seeking kiss, and Nick pressed closer, yearning for more. The merc coiled a hand just at the top of Nick's thigh, reeling him in so there was no space between them.

“This is different.” Nick breathed, and the mercenary laughed, actually genuinely laughed, a sound the detective barely even recognized as laughter, sucking in a breath and looking him over with a slow glance. His face felt hot when Kellogg’s eyes met his once more. 

“I have half a mind to stay if you want me to,” the merc spoke, after some consideration, fingers clasping at his thigh. “ _ Do _ you want me to?” 

“You know my answer.” Nick leaned in again, catching the mercenary’s bottom lip between his teeth and biting down just enough to get an appreciative hiss and a tightening of Kellogg’s fingers at the hem of his shirt. He pressed Nick closer to the wrought iron edge of the bed, and there was a pause before Nick’s mouth met his own, and the detective fell quiet, hips rolling toward him. Kellogg’s fingers gripped tight enough to leave marks at the top of his thigh, just under the curve of his ass. 

He let Kellogg's hand drop down below the hem of his shirt and there was a beat of quiet before Kellogg took hold of his cock, half hard already, and stroked once, slow. Nick gritted his teeth and watched as the merc drew his legs apart with a gentle touch before dropping down in front of him. 

"What are you doing?" Nick’s voice was a jolt to himself; he hardly recognized it, the way it sounded was foreign to his ears, and he couldn’t help the breathless sound that escaped him at the sight of Kellogg on his knees in front of him. 

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" Kellogg took a second to draw his tongue across the quickly filling head, listening as Nick swallowed with some difficulty. He chuckled and wrapped his mouth around the swollen tip, giving a teasing hum. His mouth fell open in an oh, and Kellogg cracked a smile, lips curling up around his erection. His tongue scraped down the length, and his teeth followed as Kellogg took him into his mouth. He took a second, sounding as if he was going to gag but took hold of Nick's waist and  _ squeezed _ when the detective gave an experimental jerk of his hips. 

"Ah..." He breathed, the flush returning to his face when the merc wrapped a hand around the base of his cock, stroking and sucking all at once. Nick couldn't remember the last time he felt this good. He gave another slow roll of his hips and Kellogg took it easily, guiding the steady pumping of his hips. Nick knew he wouldn't last long like this, body coiled taut like a live wire, every nerve thrumming too tight. With a gasp that segued into a sustained groan, Nick came, hips snapping against the pliant mouth below. He bowed his head, blunt nails scratching down Kellogg's shoulders, body doubling over as he felt him lap up all of his spilled seed, and he realised with a jolt the mercenary  _ swallowed _ . 

Kellogg was slow to stand, but when he did, Nick gaped at him like a fish, watching Kellogg lick his lips and wipe his mouth. He chucked his knuckles under the detective's jaw and lifted their mouths together. Nick could taste himself in Kellogg's mouth and somehow that made his face burn hotter when he pulled Kellogg in closer. 

"Still not done?" The merc whispered, and the color of Nick's face grew redder, the color spreading down the open collar of his shirt. Nick took a second to open his mouth, finding his words. 

“What about you?” 

“Oh, so  _ now _ you care?” Kellogg taunted him, thumbs rubbing absent circles along his hips. He leaned in close, and Nick tilted backward to avoid being too near. The mercenary gripped his waist tighter and yanked him forward, Nick’s fingers still catching on the end of the bed. “It takes you coming to change your mind. I’ll remember that for next time.” He grinned, more a feral show of teeth, all threat. 

“Next time.” Nick mused, and let go of the bed, fingers curling into loose fists. “I take it you want me to  _ return the favor _ ?” He gestured to Kellogg’s groin.

“How about you bend over instead?” 

The detective’s eyes widened in surprise, and he took a breath, tongue wetting his lips. “What?” 

“I know for a fact you heard me.” Kellogg’s hand crept up higher, edging up Nick’s side. “How do you want this?” 

"You're asking me what I want. This is a first." Nick gripped at his back, fingers trailing lines down. 

"I belong to you, don't I?" Kellogg was throwing his words back in his face, tone mocking. "Should I call you  _ 'master' _ or ‘ _ sir' _ ?"

"Don't even start with that." The detective's brow knitted and he pressed his lips together tight. 

"That kill your boner?" Kellogg took the shell of his ear into his mouth, relishing the way his dusky skin flushed. "Or make it worse?" 

Nick didn't answer; he simply moaned, and Kellogg bit down. His cry hit a crescendo and Kellogg drew back only a fraction of an inch. "Like that,  _ sir _ ?" 

"Ohh," Nick groaned, head falling back, "don't.." 

"Don't  _ what _ ?" Kellogg traced his mouth along Nick's pulse point, feeling his heartbeat pound louder. 

He shoved the merc back and took a step away, crossing the room to the  head of the bed. He was breathing hard, and Kellogg's mouth curled into a smirk to know he did that to him. "Don't do that to me." Nick's mouth was twisted in a frown, hand gripping the headboard. The merc coiled an arm around him and turned Nick to face him, the back of his legs bumping up against the bed.. 

Kellogg watched as Nick pulled him closer on the bed. He came up close, and the detective drew him in. The merc gave him a grin and Nick shivered, tugging Kellogg almost atop him onto the bed before shifting and climbing into his lap. Kellogg let out a low growl and Nick's legs straddled his waist. 

"You really get off on taking control, don't you?" The mercenary let Nick work his fingers beneath the worn old shirt Kellogg wore. He let Nick peel the cloth from his body, and the detective had his mouth on the scarred surface of Kellogg's skin, tracing around the freckled surface. 

"And you don't?" Nick asked, incredulous. "Or do you just get off on anything?" 

"Sounds about right." Kellogg took hold of his hips, and Nick shifted, body growing hot. "If it gets my partner off I'll try it." 

Nick took a breath, and reached down to grasp Kellogg's cock in his hand. The merc groaned, arousal obvious. "You just happen to be easy to please." 

Nick bit back a cry when he sank down onto Kellogg's erection, body spasming around the intrusion. 

"Case in point, pal." The mercenary rolled his hips just once and Nick bounced on his cock, mouth slackened. He gripped the headboard tight in his fists, rocking down on his cock. Nick was using the bed as leverage, able to push down  _ hard _ , his own erection twitching each time. 

"That doesn't prove anything." Nick bowed his head, moaning under his breath with each movement. 

"No?" Kellogg clasped his waist tighter, stilling Nick's movement. He tried to rock his hips, unable to get off the way he wanted.

"Are you going to stop me every time you disagree with me?" Nick asked, voice shaking. 

"Maybe. I kinda like the view from here." He reached up and pulled Nick's shirt open, fingers smoothing across his collarbone. Nick blinked, breath hitching as he looked from Kellogg's hand to his face. He took advantage of the merc's weakened grip and ground down hard, letting out a breathless grunt with the effort. 

The mercenary groaned out an expletive, hips pistoning up to meet Nick halfway. He fell forward a little, mouth open wide, as his hand fell to Kellogg's shoulder instead of the headboard.

"I like seeing you like this too though." Kellogg's thumb followed the line of his throat, coming to stop in the center of his lip. Nick lifted his gaze, a jolt of white hot pleasure coursing through him at the meeting of their eyes. He moaned helplessly, face flushed hot, and pushed down. Kellogg's hips snapped up hard, and Nick bounced again. His thighs flexed and Nick started moving faster, a breathless cry coming to his lips when his pleasure crested. He let out a sound like a sob when he knew he couldn't take any more, and Kellogg took hold of his hips again. The  mercenary started pumping his hips up into him hard without stopping. Nick let out a sharp cry, doubling over toward him. Their mouths met and Nick's legs shook with the effort to stay so close, pleasure running through him each time their bodies collided with a wet sound. 

A broken whine escaped his mouth when Kellogg gave him a few short strokes, and then he was coming, hips pumping between his hand and the burning sensation of the cock inside him. Nick held onto him tight, and Kellogg's lips spread in a grin. 

"What's so funny?" Nick was panting, moving with him.

Kellogg lifted him easily, rolling Nick onto his back and taking his time to thrust back into him. Nick gasped, clawing at his shoulders when Kellogg started ramming him again. "You, you're so easy to please.." He was speaking right in Nick's ear, barely winded. "How many times have you come tonight alone?" 

Nick didn't answer, already feeling a deep pervading exhaustion. Kellogg buried his face in the crook of Nick's neck and rolled his hips. The thrusts stuttered, any semblance of rhythm he had was lost. He let out a lasting groan and Nick winced, feeling the wet heat that spilled inside him. He could hear Kellogg take a breath, sounding satisfied. Nick let his head fall back and Kellogg's mouth was on his jugular in seconds. The merc pulled out with a sticky sound, dropping down next to him. 

"Still intent on getting out of here?" Nick asked, listening to his breathing. 

Kellogg swallowed hard, and then muttered against his throat. "I'm sure  _ you're _ happy I'm staying."

Nick opened his mouth to comment but thought better of it. "And you're not?"

Kellogg made an annoyed sound, arm draped across Nick's waist. " _ Happy _ is too strong a word." His lip curled into a frown. "I'm not settling for this bullshit." 

"You're not settling for anything."

“Am I?” Kellogg fell quiet, and Nick expected him to snap something else, but his words never came. Instead he let out a sigh. “Are you happy or just fucking  _ satisfied _ you got your way?” 

Nick took a breath, and looked him over for a moment before averting his gaze. “It doesn’t matter.” 

He shut his mouth, and then spoke again after a long moment of deliberation. “I’m leaving the city in the morning.” 

Nick held his tongue for another beat of silence, before saying the first words that came to mind. “I expected this a lot sooner.” 

“I’m sure you did.” Kellogg retorted, and looked away, fingers playing with the fold of Nick’s collar. His fingertips brushed the nape of Nick’s neck, and the detective shivered. Kellogg’s fingers twitched and for a moment Nick was sure he would wrap his hand around the back of his neck again, and when it didn’t happen Nick’s heart clenched. 

“Neither of us deserve being happy.” 

“You got that right,” Kellogg smoothed a knuckle against the side of Nick’s neck, the gesture making his chest feel tight. He took a shaky breath and the merc drew his fingers through Nick’s mussed hair, and the detective’s eyes coasted shut. His voice shook when he leaned in closer to Kellogg. 

“Try not to leave in the middle of the night.” 

“Of course not.” The merc's arm tightened around Nick’s waist, and he buried his face in the detective’s hair, breathing slow, his tone taunting, words muffled through Nick's dark hair. “I’m not  _ you _ .” 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what im doing anymore someone please stop me before i sin again
> 
> alternatively ALL ABOARD THE HELL DINGHY TO TRASHLAND

"You're leaving." Nick approached him slow, taking in the fact that he was reloading his gun. 

"Looks like it, doesn't it." Kellogg snapped, and then quieted. "If the Institute was after me, they'd have shown up by now. Nora's not interested in reclaiming old garbage."

"She's keeping tabs on you with  _ that _ , isn't she?" He gestured to the box up behind Kellogg's ear. 

His fingers brushed the spot, not looking to Nick. "Not when it’s something that sticks out. It's too obvious." 

Nick's brow furrowed and he frowned, voice cold. "Of course."

Kellogg cast a quick look at him, sucking his teeth. "You can't get me to stay, you know." 

"I never said--"

"No. You never said it, did you? Gonna keep lying when shit doesn't go your way?" Kellogg put the gun away, lowering his hands, and turned to face him. 

Nick clammed up, expression guarded. His gaze turned flinty and when he spoke his words were clipped. "Get out. I never want to see you again." 

"There we go with the lying again." Kellogg added with a shrug. "Wish granted, pal." 

Nick bristled, standing up straight. He didn't move, didn't even take a breath. 

Kellogg took a threatening step his way, hand raised, half-expecting a flinch. He studied Nick's expression, eyes narrowed. "Times like this you remind me of someone I used to know. Same stubborn set of the jaw." 

"Did they tell you to get out too?" 

There was a cold laugh and Kellogg had Nick pinned, both hands on either side of him. "More than once, actually. Then he'd get in touch and beg me to come back and the whole thing would start over again." 

"He?" Nick stared, somehow not focusing on him. 

"Yeah, is that a surprise?" Kellogg growled, looming in close. Nick's expression colored and Kellogg took a second to pull back before looking at him again. "Doesn't matter now. He's dead, or will be soon." 

Nick considered his words, hands twitching at his sides. "Would that be your fault too?" 

The mercenary laughed at his own private joke, and it stung as if he was slapped. "Shit, maybe. I wouldn't be surprised if something I did sent him to an early grave. Seems like just my luck." 

Nick leaned back against the wall, letting out a slow exhale, head tilted to the side. "I'm not going to run begging to you the way your  _ friend _ did." 

"You already did. A few times even." 

"I'm not going to do it again." Nick found himself studying the lines of Kellogg’s face. He found himself wondering what it would have been like if he’d known him years ago, how he would have been when the wasteland hadn’t been so cruel to him. 

“That a promise?” The merc’s mouth lingered open, and Nick fought the urge to kiss him. “Or a threat?” 

“I’m not the one who keeps coming back to stay.” Nick answered, mouth curved down in a sneer. “No, of course not.” The expression he wore twisted, and the detective hid his surprise as soon as it bubbled up. “You just  _ come _ a few times and then you leave again.” 

“You don’t want me to stay. I know  _ I _ never want to stay with you.” Nick wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, not looking to the mercenary. “You can’t force that on me the way you forced everything else.” 

Kellogg’s head whipped toward him, gaze burning. “I  _ forced _ you?” His hands twitched at his sides and Nick’s heart clenched, both hoping and fearing Kellogg’s hands around his throat. “Did I force you every single time I fucked you?” He looked down, breathing heavy. “Did I force you to say my name?” 

Nick’s breath caught and he tore his gaze away with some difficulty. “No.” 

“Didn’t think so.” He exhaled, and Nick took a breath and held it, half anticipating a rough palm at his throat. When it didn’t come, the detective cast a withering look his direction and found Kellogg was gone, the door open as if he’d been waiting for him to follow.

Nick took a few weary steps out the door, feet carrying him past the rest of the marketplace, down to the quiet western stands, and found the merc surveying the city, leaning against the railing nearest his house.

"Know how many times I used to pray, expecting an answer, back when I was some snot nosed brat who didn't know any better?" Kellogg heard him approach. He was looking up at the sky, arms folded over the railing as he rested on it. "Learned to take my own salvation instead of sitting around and waiting for it." 

“Thought you were leaving.” Nick looked him over, before placing one hand on the railing. He faced him after a long few seconds. “Had second thoughts at the last minute?” 

“You only hope so.” Kellogg answered, lifting the cigarette held between his fingers to his lips. He didn’t look at Nick, only focused his gaze on the way the sun reflected off the old metal of Diamond City. After a moment of vicious deliberation, he ashed the cigarette and glanced at the detective. "Gonna miss this shithole." 

Nick's gaze fell to the distant lights of the market below. "Didn't think you were capable of that kind of feeling."

The dig wasn't as cutting as he hoped it would be. "Spent years here. This place is just as much home as any other part of this whole shitty area." Kellogg caught a glimpse of how Nick's face twisted. 

"What's the matter?" 

He snatched the cigarette from Kellogg's loose fingers and sucked in a burning drag. The merc watched the ember burn to the filter without saying a word. 

"Do you think telling me this is gonna change  _ my _ mind or  _ yours _ ?" Nick blew out a steady pillar of smoke that was whisked away by the wind. His lips trembled as he spoke, and Kellogg kept his eyes on him. “Is that your big plan?” 

“You’re stubborn. I know you. This won’t make you back down so easy.” 

He scoffed and dropped the filter, crushing it underfoot. “ _ You know me _ .” Nick repeated him, sounding incredulous. The detective cast a look his way and Kellogg ducked his head to avoid catching his gaze, pretending to look down at the market below. “If I didn’t want you to go, I would have said as much.” 

“Then why’d you come back here?” 

Nick opened his mouth, and then snapped it closed, expression darkening. “Why did you?” 

“I  _ live _ here, pal.” Kellogg tapped his fingers on the ledge anxiously, before turning to him. 

“Lived.” He corrected the mercenary, and Kellogg’s expression fell for just a moment. Nick could have sworn he saw the mercenary look so vulnerable right then, like he'd been punched in the gut. “You  _ lived _ here.” 

Kellogg fell quiet again. “What I meant.” 

“I don’t think you want to leave again.” Nick took a reluctant step toward him, and the merc watched as he approached as if toward a wild animal. He took a breath and kept speaking, the words tumbling from his lips unbidden. “No, you don’t. Because you’d do anything to keep me close.” 

“Stop.” He was backed against the railing, and Nick knew he had uncovered the truth. 

He looked Kellogg over, gaze lingering. "I'm not gonna stay here and let you talk me into fucking you again." 

"That isn't a difficult task." Nick remarked, stopping just a hair before their bodies touched. Kellogg took a breath to steady himself and Nick took advantage of his open mouth, meeting him halfway as he surged toward him, lips meeting. 

Kellogg took hold of his coat, the loose fabric on his back clenched in the merc's fists, simply out of reflex. He let out a soft sound, and Nick pressed closer, a hand coming to rest just under Kellogg's chin. The merc hissed, the railing digging into his back, before letting go of his coat.

"What was that?" He asked, breathless. 

Nick answered with a grunt: "Think of it as a goodbye." 

The mercenary reeled him in again and pressed their mouths  together. He held tight to Nick's coat, twisting it in his fists behind the detective's back. 

"And that one?" It was Nick's turn to be breathless, a flush creeping back up onto his face. He could have blamed it on the wind but Kellogg knew better. 

"Another long goodbye." The  mercenary ventured, voice low. 

"Do it again." Nick wasn't looking at him; the blush more prominent now. 

"Yes,  _ sir _ ." Kellogg cracked a halfhearted grin at his face, "Should I let you back in my bed too?" 

Nick's expression was guarded once more, and his face burned. He  wanted to say no; he wanted to defy him for the last time. Instead, Nick choked on his answer. "Yes -  _ please _ ."

The mercenary gave him a look and Nick was pulled close against him again. “Never heard you ask so nicely.” 

He lifted Nick’s chin, lips brushing his. The detective shivered, before catching the mercenary's face in his hands and responding in kind.

 

* * *

  
  


"Leave the coat on." He handcuffed Nick to the headboard, running a hand down the smooth length of his chest, his shirt hanging open. "I have half a mind to fuck you with my gun." 

"W-what?" His voice cracked, obvious pleasure spilling over and coloring his face redder. Kellogg took in the sight and wondered why he ever wasn't attracted to him.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

“I--” Nick’s breathing hitched as he trailed the barrel of the gun down lower, the cool metal leaving goosebumps in its wake. He drew a breath and held it when Kellogg avoided his cock with his touch, before dragging the edge of the barrel along his growing erection. Nick moaned out loud, wishing he could cover his mouth to hide how much this  _ danger _ was turning him on. A shaky nod, and Kellogg drew it closer, the anticipation tearing Nick apart.

A broken cry was wrenched from his lips when the barrel first  _ pushed _ into him. Cold and unyielding as it was, the length of it sank into him with little resistance and he couldn’t help but make a sound of pleasure. His face burned, and he turned his head away, unable to take Kellogg looking at him like that. 

"Pull the trigger." Nick muttered, face hot. 

He jumped as the merc pushed the barrel deeper, the trigger clicking as he pulled it. He was expecting a bullet to score through his guts, and when it didn't come a low gasp escaped him. Kellogg chuckled darkly and pulled it out, which made Nick gasp. He spun the barrel, a different chamber lining up. Nick closed his eyes tight, anticipating another pull of the trigger as he pushed it slow into him. It was rigid but warmed quick from the touch of his flesh, and it was a sensation he was unused to. 

“Again.” He breathed, eyes coasting closed as the mercenary thrust the gun into him, his voice catching and segueing into a sharp cry when Kellogg brushed his sweet spot. His hips pumped upward, desperate for his touch. The merc eased his thighs apart with a tender touch, not even touching his aching cock. 

“One more time. Please.” Kellogg’s mouth brushed his chest and Nick gasped loud, his nerves overstrung, his entire body on edge. 

He had unloaded it, but Nick couldn't see the bullets that sat like fat jewels on the bedside table. 

The flush trawled down his chest, settling beautifully against his tan skin. Kellogg groaned under his breath, stroking himself to the sight of Nick so wholly giving himself over to trusting him. 

"I can't stand seeing you all fucked open like this without being the one inside you." The mercenary moved in closer, pulling the gun out of him and using that hand to hold himself up, knuckles pressed against the wall. He unfastened the handcuffs, letting Nick’s hands free. 

Kellogg was thicker than the gun, he noticed this first thing, as the merc bottomed out inside him, pressed so close whenever Nick took an aching breath their bodies were chest to chest. 

His mouth fell open, slackened, and Kellogg took advantage, tongue swiping across the edge of Nick's teeth, and sending him reeling. The detective groaned as the mercenary rolled his hips in a gentle rhythm, eyes opening slow. He was surprised to see the merc's dark eyes not on him for once. Kellogg was breathing hard in his ear, murmuring something he knew he shouldn’t be hearing. The easy and steady rock of their hips meeting was so sweet, so perfect that it had the detective clutching at his shoulders, his pleasure cresting, about to break. He knew this would be the last time he came like this with a loud cry. It didn't make him feel any better. 

Nick tugged the gun from his slick hand, their mouths meeting as he pressed the barrel to the side of Kellogg's head. The click of an empty barrel was never so unsatisfying. The mercenary recognized the sound immediately, but didn’t seem to act like it bothered him, instead shoving in particularly hard and emptying out inside him with a breath caught through his teeth.

"Did you want to kill me? Is that what you were trying to do?" Kellogg whispered, mouth tracing his jaw. "Maybe then you'd be free."

"You've already been dead once." Nick's words were clipped, quiet. “What’s one more time, for old times’ sake.” 

Kellogg pulled out, disregarding the face the detective pulled at the discomfort of his sore ass leaking hot fluid. 

"So've you." He gave a nod toward the gun. "Did you think I'd fuck you with a loaded gun?"

Nick went pale and dropped it like it was red hot. "You tricked me." 

"Yeah. You can call it that." Kellogg grasped the butt in his palm, twisting it in his hand. "Would you have done it if you knew I took the bullets out?" 

Nick opened his mouth and then closed it again. 

"Probably not." The merc finished for him, casting a look at the gun. 

He looked down at his hands and then back at Kellogg. “The only way this’ll end is if one of us is dead.” 

“And better me than you.” Kellogg answered, tossing the gun down between them. “I won’t stop you.” 

Nick took the revolver in his hand, testing the weight. The handle was still warm from Kellogg’s hand. He lifted it, peering down the sight. 

“Why don’t you do what you should have done months ago?” The sound of the mercenary’s voice knocked him back to the present, and Nick looked him over at where he sat on the edge of the bed, feet hanging down. 

The detective stood and pulled up his pants, body weak. His shirt fell open on either side of him and the flush was gone, but he still remained sticky with sweat. Crossing the small loft to the table where the bullets lay, still shining in the candlelight, he picked one up and loaded the gun. “I should shoot you. I wish I could bring myself to do it.” 

“Pull the trigger.” 

He lifted the gun, aiming for Kellogg. Nick’s eyes shut tight, and he pulled the trigger, the sound echoing in the quiet room, ringing in his ears still. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh yeah this was a thing that got written. uh sorry it took so long I've been sick and also working. I'm thinking this is starting to be the beginning of the end. //fingerguns
> 
> SPOT THE REFERENCES TO A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SET OF HEADCANONS LMFAO let me just beat my readers about the head and neck with those references.


	18. Chapter 18

A ragged sigh dredged its way up from Nick’s lips, and he opened his eyes to see Kellogg looking smug. A hole was left beside his head, just above the headboard. The barrel of the gun still smoked. 

"Maybe I should take my own life instead." Nick lifted the gun to his head, considering it for a moment. Instead of pulling the trigger, he tilted the barrel back, regarding him. "And that's just what you want me to do, isn’t it? If I'm dead, you're free to do whatever it is you do." 

Kellogg lifted an eyebrow. "What do you think I do?" 

"Kill people, maybe drink yourself into a stupor." Nick answered, letting his hand fall, gun still at his side.

He scoffed and shifted on the bed, moving toward the edge. Kellogg took hold of Nick's arm and reeled him in close. He held Nick's hands in his own, lifting the gun to just under his chin. "Shoot me." 

Nick hesitated and his expression darkened, turning cruel. His hands tightened over the detective’s, lifting the gun.

“No.  _ No _ , I’m not going to kill you right here.” 

Kellogg forced him to press the gun hard to the tender flesh of the merc's throat. His breath caught, and Nick watched the bobbing of his adam’s apple as he swallowed. 

Nick's finger slipped - the detective pulled the trigger; Kellogg inhaled sharply and jumped when all he heard was the click of an empty chamber. The mercenary’s grip weakened as if he had truly expected a bullet to tear through the air and into the soft tissue of his jaw. 

Nick jerked his hands free, throwing the gun down. Kellogg looked at him, breathing hard through his nose. He couldn't tell if Kellogg was more angry or upset. 

The mercenary snatched up the gun, checking to see if the chambers were loaded. "Don't waste any more of my damn bullets. If you're not intending to pull the trigger then don't point it." 

The look Nick gave was cutting; "You honestly want to die, don't you?" 

Kellogg frowned, closing the barrel. "An aggravated sense of self preservation was one of the many  _ gifts _ the Institute decided to give me. I can't do it even if I tried."

His brow furrowed and Nick reached up to touch his face, but stopped. Kellogg’s hand shot out, catching Nick’s arm by the wrist and lifting his hand again. He squeezed hard enough for the bones of his knuckles to grate together. 

He caught his breath in a rush, head tilting back as his face flushed redder. “Why?” 

Kellogg sneered; “Why do I want to kill myself? Isn’t that the kind of question you’re not supposed to ask?” He crushed his fist around Nick’s hand, and a cry burst from his lips, the detective’s knees going weak. He was hard; painfully so. Another sob broke free when he inhaled, and he grabbed hold of Kellogg’s wrist. The merc tugged him closer with his free hand, a fist in his dark hair. Their mouths met, and Nick couldn’t help but roll his hips toward the edge of the bed where Kellogg’s legs hung over the side. 

“Look at us. We’re both fucked up beyond saving.” Kellogg breathed, dark eyes open and peering at him for once. Nick’s gold gaze was focused on his face, searching for an answer. “You get off any time I hurt you, and me.” He scoffed under his breath. “I’m the damn idiot that keeps falling for it.” 

The detective took a breath, and held it, mulling over his words. His legs were shaking, and he moved closer, straddling his thigh. He held perfectly still, fighting the urge to grind his erection down the mercenary’s thick and muscular thigh. Nick’s fingers twitched in his grip and he only tightened his grasp on the detective’s hand. He called out wordlessly and jerked his hips toward Kellogg’s body. 

The mercenary’s hand traveled down the back of his neck, garnering shivers from Nick as he curled his hand right between Nick’s shoulder blades, holding on to his shirt tighter than ever. 

“When Nora shot you, you wanted her to do it.” 

“Yeah,” Kellogg breathed, and he wasn’t sure if it was an answer or if it was in the way Nick panted, breath hot against his throat when Kellogg’s hand coasted lower, catching on the rim of his trousers. He shifted, pants uncomfortably tight where they tented between his legs. Nick let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and with it came a soft sound, caught somewhere between a sob and a whine through his teeth. 

“I hate you now more than I ever did.” The detective bowed his head, sliding his body closer to the crux of Kellogg’s hip and thigh. 

“I don’t blame you. I hate me too.” The mercenary replied, and the unguarded way he spoke gave Nick pause, gaze shooting up to catch a glimpse of an aching look his way. “Shit, I bet even Sarah’d hate me if she could see me now.” 

Nick pressed his forehead to the broad muscle of Kellogg’s shoulder. “Can you stop talking about  _ her _ right now?” 

“Jealous?” Kellogg snorted, his grip on Nick’s back tightening. 

“She’s dead. And never coming back.” He breathed, allowing Kellogg to work his waistband down past his narrow hips. “Same with  _ Jenny _ , same with everyone else either of us ever loved.” 

“Is that your excuse for letting me into your pants?” Kellogg asked, head cocked to the side in amusement. He tugged Nick’s worn trousers down, palming his erection with a steady ease that had Nick rolling his head forward along his shoulders, breath coming in hard. He turned his head, hot breath a point at Kellogg’s neck as he moaned out loud, forcing his hips to stop moving toward the perfect stroking of his calloused hand. “You loved her. Who am I to interfere?” Nick muttered, mouth an oh as he pressed it to the juncture of the merc’s throat and shoulder. His hand ached where the mercenary squeezed it, and he clenched his fist around Kellogg’s arm, relishing the pain that shot down his wrist where he knew he’d have bruises the next day. 

Nick’s cock sprung upward when he released it, precum splattering his stomach, and Kellogg smoothed a palm along his jutting hipbone, fingers slipping between his legs. Nick leaned back a little, casting an arm around Kellogg’s shoulder to maintain his balance as the mercenary pressed two fingers into him. Still slick, Nick gasped aloud, grasping at the back of his neck and scratching down the side with blunted nails. 

"That's a funny way to put it." He rumbled, mouth right by his ear. "Do you think you don't have a chance to compete with her? She's just bones now." Kellogg's mouth traveled the bare side of his neck, lips dusting past the scar he'd left last time. "Maybe even less than bones." 

"I wouldn't want that anyway. Not from you." Nick's eyelids were heavy, and his voice hitched when Kellogg swiped a palm along the inside of his thigh.

"Makes it seem  _ tainted _ when you know I fucked other people?" He teased, and Nick bit his tongue, a burning settling in his chest that felt unnecessarily like anger. His hips stuttered forward, and Nick let out a sound like a groan. "Or is it you don't think someone like me should even  _ think about _ someone like you - let alone fuck them into oblivion?"

Nick didn't answer, and Kellogg crooked his fingers, coaxing a breathless expletive from him as he pushed down toward his hand. His expression had shifted, and Kellogg's mouth was curled into a vicious rictus. "You wouldn't have let this go on as long as it has if it were anyone else. Something about  _ me _ keeps you easy to manipulate like this." 

" _ I don't love you _ ." Nick spat, head falling back as his hips worked toward the mercenary's fingers. “So don’t act like I do.” 

"Never said you did, pal." Kellogg answered, drawing his hand away. 

When he no longer felt the aching stretch of the merc's fingers, a plaintive sound escaped him: "Don't stop just yet." 

Kellogg leaned in, pushing him down  against the bed and catching his mouth with his own. Nick matched his movements perfectly, a hand coming up to cup his cheek as he drew his tongue along the sharp edges of Nick's teeth, prodding a moan from the detective. It caught in Kellogg's mouth, muffled, but still so needy. 

"Your reaction says otherwise though." He breathed when he finally pulled back. They were belly to belly, Nick's hips cocked up toward him for easier access. 

"How can you expect me not to react when you kiss me like that?" 

"If you hate me as much as you say you do then it shouldn't be too much of a step." Kellogg lifted the detective's knee in his free hand, hooking his elbow on the underside to separate Nick's legs easier. Instead of an answer, Nick let out a long groan that culminated in a stuttered cry as he sank into him, their bodies pressing together. 

He swallowed hard, working his mouth in an attempt to speak: “Not when it’s  _ you _ . Not when you know everything about me, when I’m an open book for you to look through.” 

The corner of the mercenary’s mouth quirked up and he jammed his hips in hard, causing Nick to let out a shout, words cut off. “If it were anyone else you wouldn’t bother, right?” 

Nick cast a dirty look up at him, and the merc leaned in, a steadying hand right beside his hip. “If you took a chance and fucked Nora, we wouldn’t be like this.” His voice was a low tremor crashing through Nick like a tidal wave. “Would you be happier?” 

“The fact that you’ve given this thought isn’t assuaging my worries.” Nick averted his gaze, face burning when Kellogg moved in close.

“Didn’t think it would.” He put his other hand on the opposite side, holding himself up over Nick’s prone body. Working his hips hard, Kellogg’s mouth fell open and the way he looked at Nick, dark eyes appearing almost amber in the light, sent an ache spiraling through the detective. It settled cold in the pit of his stomach, and he reached up, pulling the mercenary in. Their mouths met, and it was all teeth, Nick taking lead, nipping and biting at his lips. The detective grasped at his shoulders, body arching toward him perfectly. “And I don’t think you would be.” 

Nick’s gaze lifted with some reluctance to his face, and he kept his eyes frozen on the mercenary’s expression. “Why is that? Do you think I’d be always missing something I couldn’t get from Nora?” 

A low chuckle rumbled through him and Nick narrowed his eyes. “Got it right on the nose, babe.” 

“Don’t.” Nick squeezed the back of Kellogg’s neck in warning and his smirk widened into a full blown wild grin. 

“Thought we had something here.” The mercenary was mocking him openly now, rolling his hips hard and fast. It was a marvel he could even string words together. Nick opened his mouth to reply and instead of an acerbic remark, out came a loud moan, and his nails dug into the bare flesh of Kellogg’s neck. 

“Is that what you think?” The old detective managed to find his voice after a moment of fumbling breathlessly, “There’s nothing you offer me that I couldn’t find elsewhere.” 

“Oh? I figured it was my charming personality. That and my dick,” the mercenary started pressing Nick’s thighs up closer to his chest, ramming him. His voice barely skipped a beat, still so steady. “Or is it my voice that gets you off?” 

“I’d prefer it if you stopped talking.” Nick admonished, voice catching as he let out a sharp sound, body clenching around him. His orgasm was threatening to overtake him, teetering just on the edge. He felt as if his body was full of fire, the way Kellogg’s mouth burned when he pressed it to the underside of Nick’s jaw, letting out a quiet laugh as he sucked a red mark into his skin. 

“Sounds like just the opposite.” His mouth trailed up the side of Nick’s cheek, coming to rest just on top of his lips. Their lips brushed together and Nick’s head slid back as he arched up, his climax crashing down around him. 

“How about that..” Kellogg breathed, clearly amused. He eased out of him, and Nick collapsed, chest heaving. The mercenary let his gaze drag down Nick’s body, lingering on the flushed look the detective gave him, somewhere between distaste and a grim satisfaction. 

“That doesn’t mean a damn thing..” Nick spoke, voice weak. “You’re just too good at this.” 

His smirk was cocky. “I know.” 

Nick sat up with some difficulty, and the mercenary leaned back, kneeling on the bed in front of him. 

“You didn’t get off.” 

“Didn’t think you cared that much.” He groaned under his breath as the detective shuffled forward. Nick wrapped a hand around his erection. He gave a grunt in response, and Nick wasted no time pulling Kellogg in closer as he stroked him. The mercenary coiled an arm around Nick’s waist, rolling his hips slow, letting Nick control the speed of his stroking. Kellogg pressed their faces close, and he groaned under his breath. Nick glanced at his expression through his eyelashes, half expecting the merc to be looking back at him, but this wasn’t the case. He watched as Kellogg leaned his forehead against Nick’s, breathing fast. 

“Ohh,  _ fuck _ .” He exhaled, lifting his face to kiss Nick deeply. He moaned into the detective’s mouth, tongue delving against the sharp edges of Nick’s teeth. The detective let his arm rest along the line of Kellogg’s shoulder, a foreign sense of pride in getting the merc to rock toward him, his touch the one thing Kellogg could focus on. “You’re so fucking good to me, Valentine.” 

“Does that include the few times I tried to shoot you?” 

“Especially that.” Kellogg’s hips shifted, and the way he thrust stiffened, muscles tensing up. 

“Maybe I should do it more often. You’ll get lucky eventually, and I can live without you showing up anywhere.” Nick answered, squeezing his erection. Kellogg let out a choked sound, and his hips pumped one last time before he came, spilling out into Nick’s hand. 

“You’d miss me, I know it.” He sighed, laying his head on the detective’s chest, hearing his heart still thundering. 

“Mm.” Nick didn’t respond, his fingers threading along the bare cords of the mercenary's throat. His other hand curled closed, sticky with drying semen. He didn’t know how to answer him. Agreeing left a bitter taste in his mouth, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well uh this happened lmfao id like to thank my awful sense of humor because this goddamn thing made me laugh so hard as i was writing it  
> also wow same kellogg same


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is. The final chapter. It's shmoopy wish fulfilment garbage and I both despise and love it. I hope you guys love it too because I've been slaving over this for a while now.

Nick awoke to silence with a jolt. He sat up with a groan, a white hot thread of pain running through his arm. It felt stiff and the fingers were barely able to bend halfway to his palm. He rubbed the wrist with his other hand, feeling how swollen it was. 

His head settled back against the bed when he realized he was alone. It was a cold feeling that sank to the very bottom of his chest, and Nick couldn’t help but wonder if that was because he truly needed him; or if he had become so used to the mercenary being around, the expectation that he would be there was what hurt. Nick rolled over onto his side, carefully positioning his sore arm. The door opened somewhere behind his back and early morning daylight streamed in. He closed his eyes tight, anticipating the sound of Ellie’s voice. Instead, the room remained silent. The door clicked closed once more and he held his breath. 

There was a solid  _ thok _ as something glass was placed down on his dresser. He wanted desperately to turn, but something was stopping him. That something had his heart in a vice, his whole body feeling cold. 

“Didn’t think you’d be up yet.” That familiar voice, honeyed gravel, sent a chill through him and Nick’s shoulders clenched. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be gone?” He muttered, curling in on himself. Kellogg didn’t answer; instead, all he heard was a sigh and then a weight settled onto the bed beside him. 

“Yeah. Should have been twenty miles out hours ago.” Kellogg responded, pulling his boots off with a muffled sound. He let out another weary exhale and turned to look at him. “Should have been a lot of things.” 

Nick fell quiet.  “What are you doing?” 

He didn’t answer, instead shifting onto his knees beside Nick on the narrow bed, and turning his face. A look of confusion crossed the detective’s expression, as well as faint anger, before Kellogg pressed their mouths together at once, and Nick pressed on toward him, hands coming up to clasp his shoulders. His hand fell, splayed, at Nick’s side, holding the mercenary up above him. Nick’s fingers slowly dredged down his sides and when their mouths pulled apart, he looked more confused than ever. The merc gave him a once over, before leaning in to kiss him again. The detective drew in closer, and couldn't help but press his lips gently to the mercenary’s, closing the distance between them. His fingertips traced the very edge of the merc’s mouth, and Kellogg cupped his jaw with his free hand, devouring his mouth like he needed the detective’s very touch. 

“I wish I could hate you, but I don’t. Not anymore. Not even close.” Nick breathed, fingers resting on the sharp edge of Kellogg’s jaw. Nick’s gold eyes flickered from the mercenary’s lips to his dark eyes, which focused on his own face with such intensity it made the center of his chest burn. 

“Yeah?” He asked, eyes half lidded. “Gonna tell me how much you love me?” 

“What kind of jackass do you take me for?” Nick answered, and the mercenary let out a quiet hum, covering his body with his own. Nick couldn’t help but haul him up closer, letting their mouths lazily meet. “You’ll pry those words out of me once I’m dead.” 

“Let’s hope that’s not for a long time then,” Kellogg said after a moment’s hesitation, and Nick’s eyes flashed, growing wider when he realized what that meant for them. He froze, gold searching the mercenary’s expression. He spoke again, softer. “Not for a long, long time. I’m not letting you go.”

“You say that like I don’t have a choice.” 

“Do you?” 

He closed his mouth. The word sticking to his tongue was: “No.”  Kellogg watched how he sat back on his heels, considering it. “You came back, waltzed right in here like you owned the place, and for what? Because you wanted to kiss me?” 

The mercenary shifted beside him, a hand tracing down Nick’s side. “Something like that.” 

He made an exasperated sound in the back of his throat, and Kellogg’s fingers stopped just on the rise of his hip. The merc made note of how he was favoring one arm. 

“Did I hurt you that badly?” Kellogg made a grab for his arm. Nick winced when his fingers closed gingerly around his swollen wrist. “You should have told me.” 

“Don’t tell me you would have cared.” He pulled his arm away, bringing it closer to himself. The look the mercenary gave him told him otherwise. “Are you growing a conscience all of a sudden?” 

Kellogg scoffed under his breath. “Nobody else got close enough for me to care about them.” 

“And I did?” Nick frowned, not able to lift his gaze to the mercenary’s face. 

“Look, if you don’t want me here I can leave. Should be going soon anyway.” He got up off the bed, not looking back at him. “So bye or whatever you think is appropriate enough for this.” 

“You’re not leaving.” Nick spoke quietly, “You’re not  _ going to _ leave. I know you don’t want to.” 

Kellogg let out a long breath and sank back down on the edge of the bed. “You know what - you’re fucking right. I’m not leaving.” 

His breathing sounded stifled, and Kellogg put one hand to his shoulders. Nick didn’t respond. 

“ _ Hey _ .”

“Don’t touch me.” Nick pulled from his grip, and turned to face him. “I almost wish you  _ would _ go, but I don’t want you to.” Kellogg brushed his cheek with his fingertips, and Nick’s eyes coasted closed, eyelids twitching. “When you touch me, it makes these damn decisions so much harder.” 

“Then don’t make any decisions.” Kellogg brushed their mouths together and Nick all but melted against him. He lifted his hand, cupping his face in his uninjured palm, and kissed him again. The mercenary let out a satisfied grunt, dark eyes casting a tender look his way. Nick didn’t catch it, eyes closed. 

“You say that like it’s an easy thing.” He breathed, letting the mercenary draw back. His eyes opened weakly, and his mouth fell open, as he caught his breath. 

“Maybe it is, once you get used to it.” Kellogg spoke warily, not looking at him. That was all Nick saw, the way he stopped his gaze, the way it pierced the distance away from them. 

“Maybe for you.” He hissed, some small part of him hurting in a way he didn’t like, but still, knew he deserved, at the fact that the merc wasn’t looking at him anymore. When the mercenary’s eyes shifted back to look at him, when Nick’s words settled into him like water into dry soil, it sent a cold hook of an ache curling between his lungs and he found it hard to catch his breath. The detective stared and the words he’d been longing to say died on his lips when Kellogg’s brow furrowed. 

“And not you, I take it. Because none of us can ever compare to the paragon that is Nick Valentine, huh. Everything has to be exact and precise and you’ll be damned if it’s anything but.” Kellogg’s tone was cutting, but still so much more than anger alone; if anything he sounded disappointed. His fingertips dug into the very edge of Nick’s jaw, and the detective couldn’t tear his gaze away. “Am I right or not?” 

Nick opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a rasped sound. He licked his lips, just the tip of his tongue touching the center of his lip, and Kellogg fell distracted at the sight. “You’re mad at me for this, and why?” The detective looked up at him, gaze harsh. “Because you made terrible decisions, and you ruined your own life. None of that was ever my fault.” Kellogg’s gaze lowered for a moment as he let Nick’s words hit him. 

“You’re one to talk, Valentine.” Kellogg didn’t even bother raising his gaze to look back at Nick. The detective cast a look at him, one quick glance up and down. “Acting like you’re too good for the rest of us, scraping by the skin of our teeth. Do you think I liked it, killing people like that?” 

Nick scoffed. “You enjoyed it.” 

“I was good at it. Didn’t mean I  _ enjoyed _ it. There was a kind of satisfaction in seeing a job well done, but it wasn’t something I’d actively go out of my way to do.” He shoved at his shoulder, and Nick let him push him back. “I’m not the monster you seem to think I am.  I'm just as human as... well, I can't say  _ you _ ."

“You’re just as much a synth as I am now, you know.” 

“Doesn’t change a thing.” 

He exhaled, breathing hard when Kellogg leaned back, anticipating much more than just silence. He stood up, and there was a moment where Nick’s chest tightened, waiting for him to move. The merc’s fingers twitched and Nick started, sitting up on his elbows. “What are you waiting for?” 

“Didn’t think you’d want me sticking around.” He took a careful step toward the bed, knee just on the edge of the mattress.

His face twisted, mouth falling open, and Kellogg met his gaze with a slow raise of his eyes. “Gotta problem?” 

“If I did, would you think I’d tell you?” He ground out through his teeth and Kellogg chuckled low in his throat, a knee pressing his weight to the space between Nick’s legs. 

“Of course not.” The chuckle grew to a full laugh and Nick grabbed hold of his arms, pulling him in closer. The mercenary’s grin cracked wider and it was a long quiet moment when the detective’s palm skimmed the rough expanse of his cheek, fingers curling behind his ear. His smile dropped to a slightly disquieted look, lip crooked. “What are you trying to do?” 

“You came back, just to kiss me. Better make it worth the wait.” He pulled the merc in slow, and Kellogg eyes coasted closed. Nick lifted his jaw, and pressed their mouths together. Kellogg took hold of the back of his head, calloused fingertips smoothing through his hair. A sound of longing broke free of Nick’s lips, and was soon swallowed by the mercenary’s mouth on his own. His other hand clasped desperately at Kellogg’s shoulder, pulling him down bodily to meet Nick’s own form. The disheveled detective drew back only for a moment, breathing hard as his head fell back against the mattress. 

"You don't want me to stop." Kellogg spoke, quietly, and raised his eyes to meet Nick's. 

The detective lifted his hand, fingers scoring along the rough edge of his jaw. "No, I don't. Didn't think I'd have to say it." 

"No, you wouldn't.." He chucked a thick finger under Nick's chin, and he bared his teeth at the pressure lifting his jaw. "Not when you're like this, huh." Kellogg worked his knee along the inside of Nick's thigh and the detective's breath hitched. His leg twitched up, knee bending up and out of the way. "Shit, of all the stupid things I could manage to fall for, it's this."

"Sounds like you have a problem with it." Nick smoothed a hand up the muscular cords of his throat, and the merc tilted his head to the side. 

"Do I?" He turned his head, his mouth making contact with the fleshy part of Nick's palm, just under his thumb. He spoke against his palm, voice a low rumble. "You're not telling me to leave anymore so I guess we're settled like this." 

"I could do that if you wanted me to." Nick gave him a snide answer, and the mercenary gently bit down on the inner flesh of the curve of his thumb, lathing the dusky flesh with his tongue. Nick fell quiet, breath shaky. "But I don't want _this_ to end."

He smirked, but didn't respond, taking his thumb into his mouth. Nick groaned under his breath, the merc's mouth a perfect wet heat. He knew what he was doing, peering up at him through lowered eyelids as he took hold of Nick's wrist in both hands. Next he took his fingers into his mouth, lavishing attention across his salty skin. As he sucked on the proffered digits, Kellogg took the liberty of unzipping Nick's fly and working his hands down the man's smooth thighs, removing his trousers.

"I want you to finger yourself." Nick’s breath caught at the words. He leaned an arm behind himself, face screwed up in concentration as he worked a finger into himself, panting desperately. 

It wasn't enough. 

"Kellogg,  _ please- _ -" he cried out in desperation, hips working as he tried to bring himself to completion the way only Kellogg could. The merc gave him a feral grin, knowing that he couldn't possibly satisfy himself that way. “ _ Conrad _ .” He hissed, the anticipation agony, and Kellogg knew he had him by the sound of his shaky breath. 

"Had enough? Need me to take over yet?" The mercenary was mocking him again, tone patronizing. 

He shook his head, not giving in just yet. “You son of a bitch.” 

“How about you beg.” 

Nick knew it was coming and it was better to just grin and bear it. 

“C’mon, you know how much I love it when you beg.” 

He scrabbled for a grip on Kellogg’s chest, and hauled him forward. “ _ Please _ , I need more.” 

“Oh yeah?” The merc gave him a taunting look, mouth curled up into a lazy grin. “How much do you need it?” 

His mouth fell open and Nick took advantage, pressing their lips together. His fingertips gripped the collar of the mercenary’s shirt tighter, head tilting to the side as he allowed Kellogg to plunder his mouth with his tongue, scraping along the rough edges of his teeth. Nick moaned, tightening his fist around the cloth of Kellogg’s shirt. The merc pulled back first, the sound of their mouths parting sticky and sweet. He looked the detective up and down, breathing hard. He sounded distracted when he spoke again, and Nick’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Yeah, shit..” The merc breathed, and Nick’s fingers swept up under his jaw, coming to rest at the spot just behind his ear. 

“Kiss me again and I’ll let you do whatever you want.” He murmured, and Kellogg pressed their mouths together again, Nick’s hand coming up to the nape of his neck. 

“What do you want me to do then?” Kellogg’s eyes were heavily lidded, his breath hot and sticky at Nick’s throat. 

“I want you to let me come.” He spoke, lips brushing Kellogg’s. 

“I can do more than that, pal.” He dragged his mouth along Nick’s jaw, coming to a stop at the shell of his ear. He gave it a long slow lick and Nick fought a groan and a shiver. “How many times do you want to come? I can keep going all night.” 

“I know.” He breathed, and Kellogg took the curve of his ear into his mouth and sucked hard. He groaned, stars exploding in front of his eyes. “Keep going until I don't regret waking up this morning and letting you stay." 

Kellogg frowned, and it was gone in a blink. "Do you?"

Nick didn't answer, but instead reached down, fingers wrapping over the belt around the mercenary's waist. "Why do you ask? Is that what  _ you _ want, for  _ me _ to be happy?" His lip curled, and Kellogg opened his mouth to snap a cruel response but some small foreign thing twisted painfully in his chest, stopping him, and he fell quiet. "If that's what it takes to keep this going." 

"To what end?" 

Kellogg didn't answer, taking hold of Nick's jaw with his palm and kissing him, fingers squeezing his cheeks together. The detective surged up closer, moving to straddle his waist. His knees were on either side of the merc's thighs, and he threw a careful arm around Kellogg's shoulder to keep from falling. He took a breath and held it when Kellogg’s palm cradled the slight curve of his lower back, blunt fingernails scratching along the peek of bare tan skin above his trousers when Nick’s shirt caught in his hand. 

The detective’s thighs shifted when he arched closer, kneeling higher as he dropped both elbows, letting them rest on Kellogg’s shoulders. He laced his fingers together behind the merc’s head, and looked down at him, forearms resting just in the crook of his neck on either side. 

“Comfortable?” His palms skated up the detective’s bare thighs, feeling the muscle flex beneath his touch. 

Nick rolled his hips slow, letting out a soft exhale. “As I’ll ever be.” 

Kellogg’s mouth spread in a half smirk, and looking down at him like this, Nick had never noticed how the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled before. “When you’ve got your fill of looking at me, let me know if you want me to continue.” 

Nick let his eyes settle closed, and brushed his mouth toward the mercenary’s. 

“Your arm feeling any better?” Kellogg spoke, tilting his head back. The tips of their noses brushed and Nick found himself meeting Kellogg’s eyes. In the light they looked so much more vibrant. 

“I think it was only bruising.” He murmured, catching and holding the merc’s eyes. 

“Yeah? I thought you liked it when I bruised you up.” 

He didn’t answer that time. Kellogg had worked his hands higher, letting his palms rest just at the crux of Nick’s hips, thumbs pressed gently into the divot of his flesh. “Don’t go daydreaming on me, Nick.” 

His eyes blazed gold when they snapped back to attention, holding Kellogg’s gaze. “I’m not- I wasn’t-..” 

“No.” There was something open and unguarded in the way he followed the line of Nick’s throat with his eyes, the way he took a breath, mouth slack. “I want you here in the moment. Right now.” 

“I am.” Nick’s gold gaze latched onto his, and Kellogg’s hands coasted closer together, meeting somewhere at the very end of his back, smoothing the pads of his fingers just over the last ridge of his spine. “You’ve got me where you want me.” 

“I noticed.” Kellogg pressed a sweet kiss to the underside of his throat, sucking at his skin. Nick’s breath hitched and he held on tighter, grasping for purchase in the dark shorn hair at the back of the mercenary’s head. "Oh, _damn_ , I still can't get enough of you." He breathed, mouth sealing around the line of Nick's jugular. He sucked,  _ hard _ , and it was all Nick could do to maintain composure, his words lost, the only sound coming out of his mouth an unintelligible grunt of arousal. 

“What about you? Is this all you wanted?” Nick barely got the words out around a sharp cry when the mercenary bit down just at the edge of his collarbone. “You have it. You have  _ me _ , all to yourself.” 

“Hm.” He grunted, holding his position, as the detective rutted against him, arousal obvious. “Ready for more?” 

Nick’s expression colored and the mercenary’s heart soared. He found he enjoyed that look, just before he leaned in and pressed their mouths together. His reaction was hard, closed off for just a moment, before he opened his mouth to Kellogg, and his hand clutched at the rough side of his face. 

The detective pulled back first, but it was only to breathe, never getting too far away from the sweet heat of his mouth. He whispered right at Kellogg’s ear, breath hot and insistent. “You’re not going to stop, right? You promise?” 

“Promises are made to be broken.” Kellogg muttered and Nick frowned, before he shoved the mercenary down against the bed, hands clenched at his shoulders. The was a faint twinge of pain in his hand but he ignored it, mouth on Kellogg’s own. 

“Then show me some action,” Nick growled, and the mercenary bucked up toward him. Nick bounced in his lap, and he groaned under his breath. 

“Yeah, I’ll show you some fuckin’ action.” Kellogg took hold of his hips, not giving him an inch to pull away and shoved into him hard enough to send him howling, blunt nails scratching down through the dark hair on the mercenary’s chest, leaving jagged red lines vertical down to his ribs.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was sometime around, Nick hazarded a guess, noon when they finished. He was a panting wreck, and somehow the mercenary was still as cool and collected as ever, albeit draping his arm around the detective, letting it settle slung low at his waist. 

Kellogg reached an arm lazily across the bed, over Nick’s back, to the dresser beside it, and lifted the dark glass bottle from the ring of condensation that had gathered below it. “Was gonna leave this here and get the hell out of dodge, but you know me, I make some shitty goddamn decisions.” 

“Mm.” Nick let out a monosyllabic reply, fingertips tracing a bullet hole scar just above where he approximated Kellogg’s heart was. 

"Surprised you're not offended that I count you among some of the worst decisions I've ever made. You're up there with the big shit."

"Maybe I should be. Or flattered." Nick was watching him, catching the flash of teeth as he lifted the bottle to his mouth. "That you think I've messed up your life as much as  _ Sarah _ did."

He scoffed and popped the bottle cap off with his teeth, before offering it to Nick. 

"Beer this early in the morning?" He accepted it slowly, a tentative half smile rising to his lips.

"What can I say? That you drive me to drink?" Kellogg laughed. 

Nick tipped the bottle to his lips and spoke in a low voice. "Or just the opposite." 

"Maybe." His eyes followed the bob of Nick's adam’s apple as he swallowed. "The absence of you makes me wish I was drunk, and just being around you makes me feel like I  _ am.” _

"Poetic." Nick snorted and took another long drink. “You sure you haven’t hit the bottle yet?” 

Kellogg didn’t answer, sitting up with his back against the headboard, elbows resting on his knees. “Where do we go from here?” 

“You leave eventually, and I’ll..” He sat up on his elbow, looking at the mercenary with an undaunted stare, before he blinked a few times, gaze averted, coming to a realization, and the confident look was gone. “I’ll go back to solving cases alone.” 

“I sure as hell have no intention of getting back to the Institute.” Kellogg let a hand drop to his side, off his knee. Nick studied it for a moment, each whorl of his fingerprints, every little scar, of which there was a multitude, little cuts that had long since healed; he took the mercenary’s hand, and examined his fingers. Kellogg flexed his fist, gentle this time. 

“You bite your nails.” 

“What a great detective.” He muttered, thumb brushing the smooth top of Nick’s hand, right over his knuckles. “Solve that unanswerable mystery all by yourself?” 

“As if you could do any better.” 

“I dunno. It’s pretty damn dangerous out there for just one detective, out answering life’s big mysteries, solving crimes and stopping the bad guys.” Kellogg shot an amused glance at where their hands touched, and slipped his palm in close against Nick’s. “Might need a bodyguard.” 

“I have the perfect man for the job in mind.” The detective closed his hand around the merc’s, fingers lacing together. “ _ Some redemption _ .” He glanced from their hands to Kellogg’s focused gaze. “It had a long time coming.” 

“Do you now?” He moved in close, tone teasing, free hand clasping the old metal of the headboard, lifting their clasped hands above Nick’s head on the mattress and holding them down. “Maybe you should tell me about him, if I have some competition. Who is this big bad  _ redeemed  _ asshole?” 

“I think you know him pretty well.” Nick murmured, allowing Kellogg to press in closer, letting him stretch out on his side beside him, nearly looming over him. His free hand slid up the mercenary’s back, coming to rest just between the solid muscle of his shoulder blades. 

“Mm. I bet I hate him.” Kellogg closed his eyes, mouth curled in a smirk as he closed the distance between them, head tilting only a fraction to allow the best angle for their lips to meet. 

“I do too.” Nick rose up to crush their mouths together with a tender sigh, knowing this was the worst idea he had ever agreed to and he found, for once, he didn’t care. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and end scene. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this. Thank you so much for supporting me with comments and reviews and kudos and all that fun shit.

**Author's Note:**

> (So I'd like to thank Em and Ant and the rest of the Toaster Love chat for supporting me through this bullshit trashheap. I am aware I am a beacon of sin, thank you. This whole fic made me end up elbow deep in the fallout wiki. Did you know it's entirely plausible Kellogg speaks some form of chinese?)
> 
> This was originally intended to be 3x as angsty with a lot more dubcon but it turned into this monstrosity. Please don't hate.


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